Whistle while you wee-wee

I have been told that I have a nice….er whistle!
I recently found myself whistling a merry tune….and it got me thinking….which immediately raised my eyebrows, as I moved the tune to a higher note…as if to raise a question! Apparently raising ones eyebrows helps one to stay on pitch and in tune?

People who say that whistling is not an art are dillusional - the whistle range start at a high "E" above a high "C"? Its called the Whistle Register and most people cannot achieve that.

I wonder how many times I have come up with an award winning tune and didn’t even know it, whistling the next broadway winner or operatic genius while fixing a broken chain on my bike, or standing in the shower?
It also got me thinking…what is the most whistled tune in the world ever? Monty Pythons - 'Bright side of life'? The spaghetti western classic….the one when Clint stares his opponents down as he rides into town!
The wolf whistle – made very popular by Italians? Is that even a tune though? I would suggest it is!
Christmas Carols also provide ammunition for bourgeoning whistlers…
What tune do I whistle the most? 'Wow' - he says with a long drawn out whistle! I will get back to you on that one!

I know whistling can be annoying especially when the person is unaware they are actually doing it when performing a mindless task which then translates into a tuneless whistle – generally referred to as a pucker whistle, the most common form of whistling used in most Western music.
But, and this is a big But, it can also be very beautiful…

It brings me to my current most annoying thing…men (cant speak for woman – so perhaps there a few tales they might like to share?)
There are men who moan at the urinal and on the loo. Why do men moan or sigh when they aim at the urinal? It is disgusting and there is no need for it - ever!
Even worse are those men who just about sound like they are on their last legs when taking a number 2? Why? Its not like giving birth so does not require sound effects!

And a note to anyone whistling while at the urinals…never ever whistle the wolf tune!

Hear about the clown who had Coulrophobia?

I have a friend who has a phobia of clowns, its called Coulrophobia ….It stems back from a painting of a clown he had hanging on his bedroom wall, above his bed when he was growing up. The Clown wasn’t smiling and there is something very sinister about a clown who has nothing to smile about…
The word clown comes from words meaning "clot" or "clod" which came also to mean "clumsy fellow".
There is a saying that humour mostly has a victim but when its not funny the only victim is the comedian? Is that why clowns wear funny noses and big shoes? Plan B anyone!
"I know can you guess whats in my pocket"? Er no thanks Bozo I would rather not…can you keep it tidy please there are kids about you know?

I think my friend has a point…sometimes there is just something, well not quite right about a man who dresses up in strange goofy attire, wears huge shoes, dons a red nose and calls himself an entertainer of children… Oh and also, why are there so few woman clowns? clownettes?

According to some phobia studies, an estimated 20 to 30% of the entire population find clowns scary, or at least a little unsettling.
A common theory as to why a number of people find clowns scary involves a connection between the presence of clowns and a personal trauma suffered during early childhood. For a young child, a circus can create a sensory overload with all of its unusual sights, sounds and smells. Heavy makeup, colourful costumes and over sized er shoes? Can become very unnerving to a child.

There is also the concept of what role clowns play in society. According to the established "rules," children have the right to behave as children and adults have the responsibility to act like adults. Some people find clowns scary because they are permitted, even encouraged, to become adults acting like children.
Subconscious fears of molestation by a masked or disguised attacker may be one reason some people find clowns scary.
Clowns are often portrayed as emotionally unstable or even psychotic in many forms of media. The idea of a "killer clown" has been used in horror films and novels for decades.

There are actual treatment centres, which specialize in treating coulrophobia and other unusual social phobias.
So what does treatment usually involve? Group sessions of call and response? "Hi everyone my name is Gareth and I am terrified of clowns"…"Hi Gareth." "Ive been clown free for seven years now...Its been that long since my last visit to the circus." "Yay, well done" loud clapping ensues...."Not too loud everyone" - the shrink - "we dont want to take him to that dark place again..."

The session could involve the group beating on some bloke wearing a clown costume…lets call him…an actor, Jerry…"Thanks for your time Jerry, sorry about the nose bleed…remember you saved lives here today…you are a good man Jerry!"

As someone once said: "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Thanks folks I am here all week!

Heavenly send off

What is that saying about two certainties…death and taxes....Or Death is the surest calculation that can be made?
Morbid you may say for a midweek conversation, however in Australia they are changing their tune about death…the funeral tune that is.
It appears in Australia, friends and family are hell bent on a good old musical send off for the dearly departed…

Apparently Highway to Hell, with lyrics including "Going down, party time", is among a number rock classics, including Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, that are replacing traditional hymns in Adelaide.
Funeral managers at Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the city, said only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: Amazing Grace and Abide With Me.
Leading the funeral chart is crooner Frank Sinatra's classic hit My Way followed by Louis Armstrong's version of Wonderful World.
The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC anthems rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns.
"Some of the more unusual songs we hear actually work very well within the service because they represent the person's character," Centennial Park chief executive Bryan Elliott said.
Among other less conventional choices were Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Monty Python, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead from the Wizard of Oz, Hit the Road Jack, Another One Bites the Dust by Queen and I'll Sleep When I'm Dead.

I am a big Pixies fan so no helleluyas for me, I would request "This monkeys gone to Heaven" when I decide to kick the bucket, or when someone decides to go ahead and kick it for me!

I think Winston Churchill got it just about right: "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain
Amen, or something like that…choose your own variation in the spirit of life!

The Voice of celebrity!

I can hear the man, who many refer to as “the voice” of nature documentaries Sir David Attenborough: "Ah what do we have here? Its the very 'Common Paris Hilton', best known for its socialising, and promiscuous behaviour. A very docile creature that spends a lot of time on its back, mating. The Common Paris, as it is also known, is a nocturnal creature with distinct markings, a fake tan.
The world has finally bowed down to the celebrity…they are worshipped on Twitter, Facebook and the like by millions of people, and all other social media sites on an unparalleled level. Governments are lucky to get 30% voting turnouts, but these sites are inundated with people who want to know what Brittany Spears had for breakfast, or what Justin Timberlake thinks about football's offside rule.
Data from Compete.com to compare various social sites traffic found that Facebook has a growth of more than 200 percent in average unique monthly visitors. (Facebook itself releases data on the number of active users, which it estimates at 300 million, which, if it were a country, would be the world's fourth largest.)
Twitter was next 23.5 million, but with exponential growth of 660 percent. LinkedIn clocked in last at 15 million, and a still-respectable 85 percent growth rate.
Millions of people go online every second to celebrity worship. In fact a recent survey in the UK asked young kids what they wanted to be when they grew up? A spaceman? A cowboy? A firefighter? A politician? A lawyer? David Hasselhoff? Just kidding. Nope none of those…85% said they wanted to be a celebrity! The rest wanted to be in a band…
What does it mean to be a celebrity? Paris lives off the fame and coat tails of her dad the Hilton Hotel magnate, while Jade Goodey (RIP) proved that any Joe Bloggs off the street could become a celebrity too if you were a big enough and entertaining idiot.
The reality TV show is a chance for average Joe to get his or her five minutes of fame, to do something so outrageous so as to make their fame last longer….
There are plenty of other ways now to thanks to the Internet and social media….Youtube postings, viral media etc…
And of course celebrities fight whitened tooth and fake nail to stay on top of the pile and remain in the minds of the hungry masses, hence we know via twitter that Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas has a piece of dried appricott stuck in her teeth after eating her breakfast, and that Ashton Kutcher likes to lick Demi Moores left nipple!
Why else would celebrities name their offspring Moon Unit, Dweezle (Thanks Frank Zappa, er dad) or Apple? Its to get attention silly, and to give their children a head start in the world of celebrity!
My advice to kids is get a real job, you will not have the emptiness that these stars have when they reach the end of their sell by date! It may not be champers at the click of a finger, but your moral fibre will enrich you everyday and you will feel blessed for it!
Can you diggit?

Having my bread and cake

So one of the funniest things I ever heard was listen to George W Bush foul up a famous quote by a previous president good old Abe Lincoln, who said: "You can fool some of the people all the time and you can fool all of the people some of the time but will never able to fool all the people all the time.
"You can fool, all of the people, some…" Bush began, before stopping for a brief pause, and starting again… "You can fool some of the people all the time and you can fool some of the people all of the time but will never able to fool some of the people all the time," he said pausing again to realize his mistakes, before deciding to call it a day and move on!

One of the quotes I have always thought to be a classic and have used to great effect, is: "Let them eat cake". - Marie Antoinette. In fact, she actually said "Let them eat bread", apparently.

However, why ruin a good thing,I am going to pretend that she muttered the former under her breath anyway, to be heard by her muse or foot attendatnt, or cat minder or whoever it was that was closest to her and thus became famous, although perhaps not altogether official.

That’s sorted then! Well not really… Some sad individual is hell bent on having his cake and eating it on this matter, and even eating mine in the process…

If they have no bread, let them eat cake….
("S'ils n'ont plus de pain, qu'ils mangent de la brioche.")

Apparently brioche is not cake, it's a kind of fancy bread, and it wasn't Marie Antoinette who said this, according to some bent nosed twat.
It was actually a quote from Jean-Jacques Rousseau's autobiography, Confessions, in which he wrote: "At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who, on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then let them eat brioche!"

Rousseau doesn't name the "princess", and Marie Antoinette didn't arrive at Versailles until 1770, three years after Rousseau had written the above passage. So if there ever actually was a "great princess" who said this, it could not have been Marie then, apparently…said who? LOL

Rodney Dangerfield once said: I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Cars and girls? no just cars

One would think that our ministers and cabinet leaders were all due to appear on Top Gear what with their love of cars.
I am in shock over the lack of accountability in this country. Yes we can all argue that all coutries have corrupt politicians, but the difference between those countries and South Africa is that in other countries ministers who are found to be corrupt are weeded out and are held accountable and made examples of.
Not our ministers, however. Oh no. They are celebrated as cadres, or freedom fighters, ANC stalwarts. More importantly, by not having any action taken against them, it leaves them believing that they are untouchable and that is a most dangerous psyche. We all endured the "Blue Light" syndrome over the past few years, with some innocent South African citizens paying with their lives for this act of pure arrogance.

Cars, cars, cars...

KwaZulu-Natal economic development and tourism MEC Mike Mabuyakhulu, according to a Durban newspaper, received an average of R100 000 a month for using his private car for government work.
The paper reported that Mabuyakhulu submitted a bill of R383 618.07 in four months from May to August this year for using his Range Rover.
Mabuyakhulu seems to be part of a list of untouchables which has grown at a ridiculous rate. Here are a few others who come to mind.
Education ministers. This perhaps reveals why our education system is so rotten.
Angie Motshekga - head of basic education. In 2004, the then Gauteng education minister, was fingered for benefiting financially from the trust that she helped to land a stake in the lucrative provincial pension payout contract. There was also proof that the trust did not benefit only from the pension deal, but that it also applied for direct government funding when Motshekga was minister of the Gauteng department of social development and received R750 000 as she vacated that portfolio.
Blade Nzimande - higher education. We all know about his R1.1m luxury vehicle, but he added that he was still a communist and committed to the working class. He said that as an education minister he needed a bigger boot to put his papers in when he took them home to mark them.
Transport Minister Sibusiso Ndebele earlier this year accepted an R1.1m Mercedes Benz S500 from a group of contractors with contracts worth more than R400m in the department.
Perhaps he deserves it after all; he is doing a great job. Well, no, actually BRT is a joke with some of it only being completed after the WC2010. Have you seen the state of our roads and public transport system? A clapped out 1974 yellow Toyota bakkie would be more fitting for our comrade!
On the topic of cars, it recently emerged that Health Minister Aaron Motsoaledi was in the process of buying two Mercedes-Benzes for R1.2m.

Accountability
OK so we have established that our ministers like to drive nice cars. Let's get back to accountability.
Mr Cheune, out ASA chief is the most recent and blinding case of a lack of accountability. I don't want to dwell on this as it has been debated to death, and it finally looks as though he may still have to go following the sponsorship debacle, I wouldn't bet on it. I read somewhere that he drives a Range Rover just in case you were wondering.
Also in the running are Transnet Freight Rail CEO Siyabonga Gama, Eskom CEO Jacob Maroga who recently received a 26.7% salary increase, and SABC's former chief exec Dali Mpofu who received a R11.6m golden handshake. For what? Well you would have to be a fly on the wall in a board meeting to know, but then if I were a fly on the wall, I would far rather be in attendance at the recent Athletics board meeting.
We also have the ongoing corruption trial of Jackie Selebi, who has finally been brought to book, although we may yet see him feature somewhere down the line. Think Mo, or is it Shabir Shaik?
The list goes on, so feel free to add to it below.

Reviving the tache

Apparently sporting a moustache may improve your chances of landing a higher paying job, according to a study commissioned by financial services provider Quicken and the American Moustache Institute which admittedly represents people opting for facial hair…it admits to that? Ha ha
The study found that moustached Americans earned 8.2% more on average than those with beards and 4.3% more than the clean shaven.
The world is indeed a strange place… when I think of the most famous beardy/tache man about, Magnum did a pretty good job in keeping the flame burning, not to close to his face mind… Higgins was a pretty astute tache wearer too. Hitler, Chaplin, Many military personnel, Ghandi, Cowboys, and Dali have all worn a tache with distinction…

Here are some hints and tips and styles you may consider…er ladys can play to if you are able…although I would not be disapointed if you politely declined…
Fu Manchu – long, downward pointing ends, generally beyond the chin;
Handlebar – bushy, with small upward pointing ends. See baseball pitcher Rollie Fingers. Also known as a "spaghetti moustache", because of its stereotypical association with Italian men.
Horseshoe – Often confused with the Fu Manchu style, the horseshoe was possibly popularized by modern cowboys and consists of a full moustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips down to the jawline and resembling an upside-down horseshoe. Also known as biker moustache.
Pencil moustache – narrow, straight and thin like a pencil, closely clipped, outlining the upper lip, with a wide shaven gap between the nose and moustache. Also known as a Mouthbrow, worn by John Waters.
Chevron - thick and wide, usually covering the top of the upper lip. NASCAR driver Richard Petty wears a narrow Chevron.
Toothbrush – thick, but shaved except for about an inch (2.5 cm) in the center; associated with Adolf Hitler, Charlie Chaplin, Oliver Hardy, and Robert Mugabe. Also known as a sole stash or a Hitler stash.
Walrus – bushy, hanging down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.

Should you find that you wear a tache well, or have a natural talent for it, perhaps the World Beard and Moustache Championships is something you might want to enter..prizes include: the use of a Harley Davidson bike for one day.
Free membership to the Tom Selleck fan club
A porn video (not out on Disk) starring your favourite 70s actor
A mug with your most iconic tach wearer printed on and the word tachelicious underneath
And a free pass from Interpol to go through any major airport cause lets face it it, you probably look like a dodgy phucker.

It is advised that the goatie is not considered a beard, nor a tache, so avoid it at all costs…it looks silly...always, never an exception, unless you want to be ridiculed behind your back…like ginger people.

The Internet rainbow

Back in the day, the 90's actually, I can remember sitting at my desk at school on a hot summer afternoon, picking old chewing gum off my seat and scratching the results of someone's picked nose off the table top with my blue shatterproof chewable ruler, bored out of my wits, wondering when the time would come that we could magically know the answer to anything…
Well that time is here, but some of the answers have been, well odd to say the least and, even disturbing…If you go down to the woods today your are in for a farking BIG SURPRISE…

The Internet is the new all Seeing Eye, all? Really? So it has a beginning, but not and end then? Surely not? And where does it end? I hope it doesn’t end with… Boytaurs!

Before I contine please let it be known that I found this by complete accident and believe it to be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen, ever…yes worse than the time that I saw a bergie/boemalaar take a caramel coloured dump against a wall of a bottle store in Cape Town in broad daylight, by lifting her leg and hooiking up her skirt….

Boytaurs are the end result of Photoshop. They're like centaurs, but rather than having a horses backside, they have an extra set of human legs….go on google it if you dare…
I can only presume that some sick twisted individual overdosed, died, went to some strange place and then fell on an electrical wire to revive him…there is no other explanation.

Other places in the cyber world I try and avoid are sci fi crazies, porn loonies (well mostly) , and religious freaks…

Some sites are crazier than a snakes armpit, but are generally harmless. Take Men's Long Hair Hyperboard as an example: It’s a place for men to discuss growing, washing, brushing, and wearing long, luxurious locks. Many of the posts take on a defiant tone and mention things like "fighting the good fight," which, we assume, means not getting a haircut.

Here is a brief expert of the plight of a poor longhaired soul…

Hello all,
I have a big problem. My hair look shiny and pretty healthy but... when I touch it , it feel dramatically DRY ! Especially on the end.
I have tried many things but didn't work...
Here is my routine:
Gently brushing my hair before washing it -> baby shampoo (that mustn't be hard with hair right?) -> a lot of conditioner -> cold rinse -> towel dry a bit -> hair dry.
Once dry I put a small amount of olive oil in my hair and I gently finger comb and brush my hair gently.
You who have soft hair please help me…. unhappy face…LOL

Oh and to answer the original question…I do not know where the Internet superhighway begins or ends… A Google search on how many sites on the internet? Netcraft put the total of sites on the net at 182 million in 2008, but this is no place to be conservative…I got 120,000,000 pages all claiming to provide the answer alone…
Hell Paris Hilton can be seen on 46,400,000 million pages, Obama features on 79,500,000 pages, and the topic of news fetches 2,610,000,000 results, but I will keep in mind that there is a difference between web pages and a web site!

I suspect that waiting at the end of the Internet rainbow would not be some little leprechaun with a pot of gold…well no ordinary leprechaun anyway, he might have four legs, long hair, rant on about his deity, and be a Trekkie, but I would still like to think that he might just say 'top of da morning too ya' and 'tirty tree and a turd'…I am not ready for the other stuff just yet!

Have a nice weekend and be careful how you go…

Seven minute abs

So apparently the shower radio has emerged as the worst household gadget of all time. The survey was conducted among 3000 women. Having used one in a shower at shared house during my time in the UK (it belonged to one of my housemates), I can go along with that, as it often let in water, swamping the batteries, it was impossible to pick up reception, and the quality of sound prevented any real appreciation for it, over and above the water noise.
Second in the survey came battery-powered candles, while the electric nail file was third. Wow those sound like a horror show…thankfully I have never come in contact with either.
Next on the list is the SodaStream fizzy drink maker …now I have some objections here. When I was a kid it was so much fun playing with the soda stream maker, using different flavours, over gassing etc… The survey found the greatest household gadget to be the television. Eight out of 10 women said they could not live without it. In the best gadgets list, the microwave was second and the vacuum cleaner third.Pancake maker, the Fondue set and Egg slicer all came in the top ten for the worst…Egg slicer? Ha ha why?
Some others I thought of that didn’t feature were the foot spa? Rubbish…The abs belt, or most exercise at home gadgets? Rubbish the lot of them…remember the seven-minute abs guy…well try the six-minute abs…exactly! Rubbish!
I pretty cool gadget was the little appliance that you plugged into an apple to remove its core…happy seedless eating…I thought that was a pretty handy 'useless' gadget!
Bread maker? That’s what grannies are for, how do you think they get arthritis in their hands?Before I withdraw back into my lair, perhaps you can think of one or two not mentioned above. Here are a few Irish inventions that didn’t make it on the list this time, but come highly recommended…

Solar powered flashlight Inflatable dart board Ejector seat in a helicopter Pedal-powered wheel chair Waterproof tea bag
SA has had some cracking gadgets down the years including countless braai odd bins, and the Vuvuzela

Sharper than an orphans crayon

I pulled a face of complete horror when I read that satirist Justin Nurse had stepped down from his Laugh it Off company after being diagnosed with Bell's palsy.Nurse, whose two-year-old daughter Vanilla died a month ago in a car fire, said in a letter to staff that he was at a "dark place".
He said he had a "break down" on Friday and that when he woke up, he could not speak.
He has since been diagnosed with Bell's palsy, a paralysis of the facial nerve which can be triggered by emotional stress."I still know funny," said Nurse. "But no longer have the appetite or energy to laugh at it."

I have blogged before about strange diseases…Trichotillomania – sufferers have the urge to pull out their hair, was my favourite!
My new favourite however, is Cotard’s Syndrome: The sufferer of this disease feels that he or she is dead and non-existent. The sufferer also feels that he/she lost his or her blood or internal organs; the patient even feels that the internal parts are putrefying.

So in the spirit of these strange diseases, I thought it might be a good day to play the True or false game.
Are you sharper than an orphans crayon? (That was all me by the way, not Anne Robinson)…
Are you smarter than a church hall full of boyscouts? Then try this:

Stendhal Syndrome: This is a strange disease in which when the sufferer is exposed to a large amount of beautiful art in a short space of time he would experience dizziness, rapid heartbeat, confusion and hallucinations.
Beauty or the beast?

Capgras Delusion: In this disease, the sufferer becomes convinced that a family member usually spouse has been replaced by an identical looking imposter. He or she refuses to sleep with the imposter. Some victims even second-guess their own reflections in the mirror.
Imposter or the real Mcoy?

Pica: This disease creates an urge to eat things other than food. Sufferers eat substances such as paper, clay, dirt, glue, coal, even faeces and lint. Some Researchers believe that it is due to mineral deficiency, but others say real cause and cure is yet to find.
Eat shit or true?

Genital Retraction Syndrome: Causes the victims to become panicked and frantic. Males think their penis is shrinking, retracting and disappearing into abdomen. Females, think breasts are retracting into the body. Sometimes sufferers believe that it is due to witchcraft. Hocus pocus or the bollocks?

Latah: The sufferer may lose control of their behavior; mimic the speech and actions of the people around them. They obey the commands given to them. For example if they are given a command to hit anybody they will obey it instantly. They actually don’t know what they are doing. Blind man or a bluff?

Wishful thinking

So early this morning I sat bolt upright following one of those dreams where you confuse it for real life.
I was lying in bed with a naked Zooey Deschanel, the Yes Man, and Failure to Launch actress. We were fooling about, joking, not doing the funky chicken, or the wild monkey dance…it was all rather sweet and innocent.
The setting: a dorm room at a very highbrow university because my bed wage huge, the sheets were clean ha ha and the room was 80% mahogany - Yes the detail was immaculate.
The dream must have been semi lucid as I was manipulating what was happening. I had Zooey on a string ha ha, she even laughed at my jokes.
I noticed that I could see Zooey's breasts, and felt rather shy so I moved to pull the sheets over her from my left side to the right, to where she was lying. Just at that moment, I realised that I was actually taking the sheets from Lauren, my real life girly/ladyfriend, who lay on my left, to give to my dream girlfriend…er the girlfriend in my dreams.
I felt so embarrassed, but thankfully Lauren never stirred.

It left me wondering what this dream could mean? A threesome in the offing? In my dreams…