I can recall…

I saw a photo of my toddling God daughter with a mobile phone attached to her ear the other day, she looked so cute, so grown up. It got me thinking, what stories would uncle Gareth be telling little Isobel one day when she is a little older? What pearls of wisdom might I be able to shed on this budding princess?

I can recall my dad recounting days of nothing but hardship… stories of being so poor that he had to nail leather studs into his football boots before a trial match to represent his province, which he dually did, the smug bastard…. "Its not the tools Gareth…" - I can still hear those words ringing in my ears…

A regular Sunday barbeque on my uncle's farm would always have the men standing over the fire like zombies, the elderly statesmen recounting tales Of guess what? hardship, that’s right…"I was so poor that I walked ten miles to school each day, bare foot, and with my two younger sisters on my back…it was uphill both ways…

Some unfortunate relative would always end up with tears in his eyes, served him right for standing in the path of the billowing smoke….idiot!

My uncle would say: "We couldn't afford land, so we stayed in a tin can, at the bottom of the river…it was wet and cold," no shit.

My dad would say that when he got his first car, he couldn’t afford petrol, so he used to go round to all the petrol stations and empty out the petrol that was left in the pipes…"They all knew me, in my sky blue ford Anglia" he would say.

And then for fun, he would take my mo out for a drive on a Friday night and then find a spot on the side of the road, to watch the cars go buy as a form of entertainment….Nothing was too good for my mom…

Good times no-doubt.

Well you see young Isobel, when uncle Gareth was younger, we had to run to get the telephone, and sometimes we missed it cause we were outside, and the telephones was attached to a plug and well it was a nuisance.

When I was at university, we used to have to wait 15 minutes to download an image of a topless woman…we just didn’t know quite what else the internet was for in those days, it was way before Google, you are so lucky you have Google…

And Facebook? We didn’t dream of such easy ways to chat with our friends Isobel, we had to ride to our friend's house on our bicycles if we wanted to speak to them, sometimes we got a puncture and we would have to push our bikes home…but those were the times we learnt about character…Sometimes it even rained…in fact we were so poor that we were made in China.

Sometimes we would go for family walks cause we couldn’t afford a car…my sister would pick up a rock and my mom would snap.."put that down And (we couldn’t afford the y at the end of her name) we cant afford that."

When I was growing up we couldn’t afford pearls, or their wisdom, I thought nietzsche was a type of orange (Thanks Google), Marx I thought came in the middle of 'on your' and 'get set' before a running race, and Plato I thought was a planet.

So hear is something I stole…

Anthemgate – recall the flourbomb

It had to be the most bizarre start to a rugby test match I have ever seen, well certainly since the infamous Flour Bomb Test in New Zealand during the Apartheid years in 1981 when some nutter flew a light aircraft over Eden Park during the third and decisive test match between South Africa and New Zealand dropping flour bombs on the field throughout the game, even landing to refuel.
The afore mentioned nutter even managed to fell Kiwi prop forward Gary Knight – good night if you like.
Lets be honest though, how accurate are you going to be trying to fly a plane solo while dropping flour bombs from several hundred feet?
March on approximately 28 years and some Rasta idiot Dumisani Ras, absolutely butchered the national anthem before the 20-13 Test match defeat to France, on Friday, and then even had the temerity and voice to say he thought he had "sung beautifully". The bloke ensconced in dreadlocks and his 'drummer' band, well just a drummer actually had clearly been smoking as per his religious ja duties compel him to do…sure Rasta man its hard life? 'Ja' my bru.
He screamed, shouted, added new words, forgot others, sang out of tune while confusion turned to bemusement and finally anger as the 'singer' went from bad to worse. It was like watching an audtion for one of those reality shows....

Questions came flooding in after the event…where did we get this cockroach, this nunu to sing our anthem?
The key was to make sure he could sing…turns out he couldn’t and another biggie was to ensure that he knew the words to an anthem that is sung in four different languages…again he couldn’t!

The pre test tests didn’t stop there… Former French captain Olivier Pelous led some goofy looking kid onto the field to kick a rugby ball on the half way line in commiseration of a French official who had passed away during the week. Cue the fat goofy kid…who proceeded to mis-kick the ball and fall very ungracefully and in the process injure himself. He just lay on the pitch and began to cry much to the embarrassment of Pelous who had to help the hobbling bawling brat off the field.

And then to add insult to injury, it was later revealed that the South African flag was positioned upside-down during the game…Appalling. Surely as a person who has the task of raising the flags should ask just one question and one question only? Is this the right way? LOL
Now I am no genius…not of the Forrest Gump proportions, but surely there is something wrong with a country that has such a complex flag and anthem…but that’s a whole other political debate…
As my math teacher in Standard eight used to say…keep it simple stupid…I am not sure if he was referring to equations or to my constant inability to grasp the subject…

In naval terms an upside-down flag has been used as distress signals in the past, which in the end was the irony of the entire evening, and I fear sometimes in SA, is a sign of the times…

It did make me wonder how Rasta man could be punished for such a heinous act? My immediate thought was to make him the rugby ball for the game…having seen the faces of some of the Springbok players; I bet they would have loved to kick the Rasta out of him. A muppet? Ja

A different world

The heavyweight of all arguments….no not Brittany vs Paris Hilton on Twitter, but rather God vs Darwin, evolution vs religion has resurfaced quite a bit lately…

It got me thinking how far we have come as human beans from the fire obsessed, unwashed, unkept, cave dwelling, beard loving, from behind shagging, animal skins wearing, abacus using, ok that came a bit later, to the current Google worshipping, moon landing, high rise building, I-pod using, gun wielding, raw fish eating sods that currently roam the city landscapes.

I want to get back to the doggy style shagging part…only because I want to illustrate how much we have also changed physically from our ape-like ancestors, to say Bill Gates.

I wonder what physical traits we are likely to see in man in future centuries…

For South Africans, to combat crime I would suggest that our children's children's children might be born resembling a rhino on two legs, well armoured to combat hijackings and various other violent crime that plagues this beautiful country…perhaps no necks too so as not to have that part of our body vulnerable?

And maybe Italians in the future will be born with pointy leather shoes for feet, while Americans will be born with slightly smaller mouths to curb their volume and arrogance? Lets hope so.

I would suggest that the English be born with tea-cup shaped bottom lips and an ability to withstand tremendous heat so that they can forego the whole pick up tea-cup and drink process, and just pop the bag into their mouth, pour the hot water and drink!

Dubai arabs might be made out of brick and steel, depending what side of the oasis you live and that way they can just use their offspring to make buildings and other industry...

Perhaps the Swiss would be made out of cheese, that grows back if you take a bite obviously…I would like to see that happen, neutral? My arse especially when some stranger comes up and takes a bite out of it, or decides to get all artistic with his Swiss army knife…

Any other suggestions?

Gucci cheese couture

Apparently - middle-class shoppers in the UK have been struggling to ride out the recession and have therefore turned to stealing hundreds of millions of pounds of expensive food in an effort to maintain their high standard of living.

Thieving includes items like quality cuts of meat, fresh fish and high-priced cheeses by mostly middle-class women from speciality food and convenience shops, where thefts have risen sharply in the past year.

As the saying goes: put a herring in your bag and you will have luck for a thousand years…well ok there isnt such a saying, but I would like to see a well dressed middle-class woman stealing a fish from a speciality food shop…dressed in Armani and wearing very oversised Prada sunnies…"My good man, would you be ever so kind as to wrap up a cod for me please…actually I will have the bluefin tuna and extra wrapping if you would be so kind as I wouldn’t want the smell to riun my very expensive Gucci bag…theres a good chap." Toodleoo I am off…

Thousands of retailers have found that luxury foods are being stolen for individual use rather than to be sold on.

Research found that shoplifting in Britain has increased in the past year by nearly 20 per cent to almost £5 billion, £750 million more than in 2008.

Clothing and fashion accessory shops were hardest hit, with branded designer goods high on thieves’ shopping lists, closely followed by DIY stores….DIY?

I cannot afford to pay for my Porshe, but the wall in the bathroom looks ghastly…perhaps a splash of 'chocolate muffin brown will do the trick. I will set a reminder on my I-phone to run down the DIY later to shoplift a 25 litre can of paint."

Neil Matthews, a spokesperson for the research said: "We are seeing more instances of amateur thieves stealing goods for their own personal use rather than to sell on than before,” he said.

“This is epitomised in the recent uprising of the middle-class shoplifter, someone who has turned to theft to sustain their standard of living. I suppose people want to carry on with their lifestyle but cannot afford the expensive cheeses, fresh cuts of meat or nice fish that they used to be able to afford and now they just take it."

I say you there with the white apron and funny hat, I would like to try some of your Podolico: (The World's Most Expensive Cheese. Pound for pound, it costs almost as much as silver,. The cheese is so expensive because it is so rare. Podolico cattle only provide milk in May and June) Just a little more, say a kilo….there's a good chap! Oh would you be a dear and point out the alcohol counter, I do fancy a quaff of Moet…darling…Ciao

Brokeback mobile texting

So apparently Men have become so openly affectionate with each other using mobile technology they've taken to signing off text messages to male friends with a kiss (x), giving rise to a new generation dubbed "Metrotextuals".

Whaaaaat?…no no no never….

"Howzit Gareth…wannacome over for a braai, get hammered, and watch the Rugby later? Xxx John" - SEND

"Hey John…don’t ever contact me again …get fucked…thanks…Gareth" SEND SEND SEND!!!!

I have never accepted that word, Metrotextual - therefore I will not tolerate its ethos, no matter how innocent…including x x x to my china plates.

Yes, just like Julius Malema and the word hermaphrodite, or lack thereof in his home language of Phedi, I am sticking my head in the sand on this one. Its just not done…like kissing your mates ex-girlfriend, or using his shaving kit.

Its not like girls who can share just about anything with each other, clothes, make-up kisses over text…men have codes that need to be upheld…man er codes if you like.

I still cant even bring myself to watch BrokeBack Mountain for goodness sakes…Look what happens when you have two mates sitting round a campfire next to a brook with beautiful horses in the background…

New research reveals nearly a quarter of men (22%) regularly include a kiss on texts to their male mates.
"Metrotextuality" is most widespread among 18-24 year old males with three quarters (75%) regularly sealing texts with a kiss and 48% admitting that the practice has become commonplace amongst their group of friends.

What is the world coming too? I have seen men acting all feminine in the past and generally they have been surrounded by good looking girls…perhaps the ladies feel less intimidated around these guys who aren’t picturing them naked or drooling into their beers…staring at their cleavage. I actually used to think that the metrosexual types were quite clever, wearing thousand rand t-shirts, smelling better than girls and with more hair products than the Jackson five, therefore standing a better chance than the beer spilling non blinking pervert in the corner..

Nearly a quarter of this age group (23%) even appreciate an "x" in a text exchange from people that aren't close friends….I was obviously very wrong.
But it's not just younger men that have become Metrotextuals - one in 10 men over 55 often completes a text to another male with a kiss, according to the poll…This is like swine flu….its very catchy.
The research also revealed there's a certain etiquette within metrotextuality – why not just keep it too a secret handshake?

A lower case "x' is the preferred sign-off for most (52%) compared to 17% for a bolder upper case X), with one in three sharing the love in a big way with multiple lower case kisses (xxx)….I will say it again….SECRET HANDSHAKE!

Clinical psychologist, Ron Bracey, said that men have traditionally been reluctant to share their emotions with friends and tended to keep their feelings bottled up.

Amen…don’t say another word…Ron!

"However, (noooo why Ron why?) the advent of mobile phones and social media means more communication is done non-verbally, and through this it seems men can more easily share their feelings with others - especially their male friends," Bracey said in the statement.

Confirmed Metrotextual Nick Kirkham, aged 25, who works in insurance, said he and his friends have been sending kisses to each other for years…confirmed? Like an alcoholic? Hi I am Nick and I have been a metrosexual for six years now…Nick also has a lisp can he say metrosexual with a lithsp? Metro…that’s easy..thexsual…well done Nick, now go and fetch me a beer, and don’t even think about taking your phone with you!

"In fact, apart from my boss or a work client, there's no one I wouldn't send a kiss on text to," he said….How about Stone Cold Steve Austin? Or Chuck Norris? Yeah I thought so shud up!

There is something just not quite right about sending your mate a x/kiss via text…you wouldn’t kiss him when you meet up for drinks, unless you were hammered and South Africa just won the World Cup football final against England, or the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand, against the All Blacks…a quick peck on the cheek just because he happened to be the nearest person to you might, might be acceptable, and even then might attract funny looks from the rest of the group, or troop or herd LOL.

I just don’t spend all that much time in the mirror, doing my hair, or culling my pubic hairs in some artistic shape, like those hedge designers…I will not pay a grand for a t-shirt and my hair falls flat when I run my fingers through it…

Am I alone on this one, like a cuppa coffee in the Sahara?