Gucci cheese couture

Apparently - middle-class shoppers in the UK have been struggling to ride out the recession and have therefore turned to stealing hundreds of millions of pounds of expensive food in an effort to maintain their high standard of living.

Thieving includes items like quality cuts of meat, fresh fish and high-priced cheeses by mostly middle-class women from speciality food and convenience shops, where thefts have risen sharply in the past year.

As the saying goes: put a herring in your bag and you will have luck for a thousand years…well ok there isnt such a saying, but I would like to see a well dressed middle-class woman stealing a fish from a speciality food shop…dressed in Armani and wearing very oversised Prada sunnies…"My good man, would you be ever so kind as to wrap up a cod for me please…actually I will have the bluefin tuna and extra wrapping if you would be so kind as I wouldn’t want the smell to riun my very expensive Gucci bag…theres a good chap." Toodleoo I am off…

Thousands of retailers have found that luxury foods are being stolen for individual use rather than to be sold on.

Research found that shoplifting in Britain has increased in the past year by nearly 20 per cent to almost £5 billion, £750 million more than in 2008.

Clothing and fashion accessory shops were hardest hit, with branded designer goods high on thieves’ shopping lists, closely followed by DIY stores….DIY?

I cannot afford to pay for my Porshe, but the wall in the bathroom looks ghastly…perhaps a splash of 'chocolate muffin brown will do the trick. I will set a reminder on my I-phone to run down the DIY later to shoplift a 25 litre can of paint."

Neil Matthews, a spokesperson for the research said: "We are seeing more instances of amateur thieves stealing goods for their own personal use rather than to sell on than before,” he said.

“This is epitomised in the recent uprising of the middle-class shoplifter, someone who has turned to theft to sustain their standard of living. I suppose people want to carry on with their lifestyle but cannot afford the expensive cheeses, fresh cuts of meat or nice fish that they used to be able to afford and now they just take it."

I say you there with the white apron and funny hat, I would like to try some of your Podolico: (The World's Most Expensive Cheese. Pound for pound, it costs almost as much as silver,. The cheese is so expensive because it is so rare. Podolico cattle only provide milk in May and June) Just a little more, say a kilo….there's a good chap! Oh would you be a dear and point out the alcohol counter, I do fancy a quaff of Moet…darling…Ciao