I like all lesbians except for him!

Women are gradually becoming more attractive in an evolutionary "beauty race", according to scientific research.
Scientific ?– bollocks!

Beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts, and a higher proportion of those children are girls, a study claims. These daughters, once adult, also tend to be attractive and so the pattern continues. Rocket science…I wonder how proud someone feels researching – really? Can it be called research? What drivel!

Examples of beautiful celebrity mothers with equally beautiful daughters who are models include Jerry Hall, and her two daughters Elizabeth and Georgia Jagger, and Yasmin Le Bon and daughter Amber. This pattern has led to women becoming steadily more beautiful over the generations, say scientists.

There is a hole in this theory already they use the word equally to describe the beauty of a hot mom and daughter - what about evolution – getting hotter?
Also I have seen plenty hot moms with ugly kids! And visa versa – where does the dad fit into this?

And another thing - there are more than 3 billion women in the world and the researcher comes up with two examples? Is Jerry Hall even beautiful? She looks like a man? So I would categorise her as attractive – for a man! Ya no well fine


However, psychologists believe women are becoming more attractive as they are making more of an effort with their looks, and have more resources to do so than ever before. That’s more a scientific assessment than psychological, and far more scientific than the previous paragraphs findings…fuck it - its all trash!


Men apparently remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors. Spoken like a true lesbian and an ugly one at that who despises men for stealing all her hot woman!


In the research Markus Jokela, (since when did they start calling lesbians Marcus? Ha ha) of the University of Helsinki, used data from America in which 1,244 women and 997 men were followed through four decades of life.


It’s scientifically proven that Marcus wants to be a lesbian!


He needs to get his head checked – that’s where the psychology comes in, and hang on to that job Marcus it looks like you are getting a free ride! Happy days er lesbian.

Eura wee bit crazy

Ever heard your mom say to your dad: “Why do you have to go outside to pee when the toilet is just down the passage?”
No? erm ok then, sorry dad, but mom was right all along, you are an animal!

Well it just might be that my dad finally has an excuse to answer nature’s call, outside or in the garage after all. Hell mom can even do it in the kitchen soon if these Indian soothsayers are to be believed!

Urine-powered cars, homes and personal electronic devices could be available in six months.
Using a nickel-based electrode, scientists can create large amounts of cheap hydrogen from urine that could be burned or used in fuel cells. One cow can provide enough energy to supply hot water for 19 houses. – I can see Cow stocks going up already, and I dread to use Hoover again but a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot and a cow in the back garden!

One molecule of urea, a major component of urine, contains four atoms of hydrogen bonded to two atoms of nitrogen. If you place a special nickel electrode into a pool of urine and apply an electrical current, hydrogen gas is released.
A urine-powered vehicle could theoretically travel 90 miles per gallon.

So remember that the next time someone stops on the side of the highway to relieve himself or herself, it may be because they are running low on the old fuel!

Wise words: Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Additional wee wee beliefs: Urinating on one's belly before swimming will protect one from cramps
And throw in a Chinese proverb for good measure: It Is Better To Fart Next To A Candle Then To Urinate In The Wind.

Cough oink Cough

OK, it has been a while since my last post, er to myslf - as I said - the noises need words, nomatter who is listening.
I was going to use the excuse…I was vsisitng the WC, but that cant be right…a whole week plus on the loo? That makes me sound oink sick oink?

Actually a week looking in the mirror assessing which direction my life is headed is plausible and I am not suggesting its headed down the toilet…quite the opposite, its alive with possibility…

It does make me think of some excuses that people use…

A friend once nearly pulled a fast one on his boss..”Sorry for being late, I had a puncture,” he said on arrival 2 hours late for work one-day in London.
His boss retorted… “I thought you took the tube in to work?”

Heard this one? Sorry i'm late but I was attacked by a flock of birds who mistook dandruff for breadcrumbs…Not sure if I would use that one if I was late to meet the parents of my soon to be (ex)-girlfriend.

I was attacked by ninjas?

My housemate is a big environmentalist…more the latter part of the word if you ask me, but and he recycled my homework! He speaks whale you know?

My sister ate my homework?

I like this one - Que? No hablo anglais?

Here are 10 real-life excuses for being late…All I can say is wow!
1. While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
2. Someone stole all my daffodils.
3. I had to go audition for American Idol.
4. My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn't drive to work.
5. My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.
6. I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
7. I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
8. The line was too long at Starbucks.
9. I was trying to get my gun back from the police.10. I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.

Those are terrible?

How about – I got called up to play for the All Blacks this weekend as they are in short of a few good players? See you Monday?

Feel free to add you favourite excuse tags… Ok then

Truth can be a motherfu..er

A female client adviser (28) wrote: My husband works in M&A as an associate. Lots of his colleagues have been fired, so he works every day till midnight and at weekends. In his little time off, he sleeps, watches TV and sees friends for a drink...
He took the job to get rich, but he won't get a bonus this year. He is stressed and nervous, sleeps with his Blackberry and keeps complaining. He wants a new job - but doesn't know what he wants to do. It's too risky for him to quit in current times, but his job is damaging both of us.

Read what Lucy Kellaway, "agony-aunt" of the Financial Times (London), answered:

I wonder which part of your predicament bothers you most. Ha ha…so many
Is it that the expected riches have not materialised? Brilliant intro Lucy keep it up…
Is it the way your husband works the whole time? Is it his incessant complaining? Is it the Blackberry by the bed? Is it the way he watches telly, sleeps and sees his friends? Now we are getting somewhere…
Or is it that even though he claims to hate his job, he can't think of anything he'd like better?
I can see that all of these could be annoying - with the possible exception of sleeping, which deserves a little tolerance. Yes unlike your intolerance of this moaning, nag…
If he were my husband, what I would dislike most would be his wanting to leave but being clueless about what to do instead. Preach the word…
If he can't think of alternatives, the endless complaint does not deserve endless sympathy. For now, he is stuck where he is. Unless he has a private fortune - which you imply he hasn't - it would be madness to quit until he has another job or scheme up his sleeve. Amen Lucy!
For you, this means finding a way of being less bothered by it all. As far as the money goes, I assume that will get better if he sticks it out. The hours, however, are not likely to improve much. This sort of work demands a lot of time.
The Blackberry beside the bed strikes me as something you should learn to live with: I've never known why people make quite such a fuss about this. We all have other distracting things by our beds - books and telephones and newspapers - and so long as we sometimes close them and put them away, it isn't the end of the world. Having drinks with friends isn't that bad either: at least he has friends, which is more than many unhappy men do. It’s a point well made.
The only really troubling thing in this picture is that he never seems to make any time for you…. Tuh dah…at last the Holy Grail. If he isn't prepared to be nice to you in his spare time, I fear that a change of job may not make things much better…. Lucy is the new Messiah…

Sleep sliding away

I had one of those mornings where my bed just seemed like such a natural place to be, despite having to get up and ready myself for work. It was just so warm and cosy. I have been sleeping really well of late, you know when you wake up in exactly the same position as when you went to sleep with the duvet not even wrinkled! Am I making you jealous Zoe? Ha ha your time will come when Isobel will make you breakie in bed…with an awful amount of training mind.
I usually don’t have a problem getting up as I enjoy the challenge that each day presents. I usually get out of bed earlier over the weekend, bar a big night out, as I feel like its my free time and I want to make the most of my day.
It hasn’t always been the case though, I can remember many a late start at university, but then I have always been a bit of a night owl too. I would fight bed and sleep as a kid, wanting to stay up as late as possible, but by the time I got to matric, that changed somewhat. I would take the odd day off complaining of some mystery illness, with my mom sounding off in the background that she wouldn’t sign my sick-note as she dashed out the front door on her way to work. The idea was to have a lie in and then watch daytime telly in my sleeping shorts – ah those were good days.
University was brilliant, no mom, no early lectures…well erm maybe a few, but more than not a late morning snooze in the warm sunlight that filtered through into my room would be too difficult to give up.
My early working days in the UK would see me delay my getting up to the last possible minute, having prepped myself accordingly the night before… shoes, suit socks etc all next to the bed, waiting. Too often in those days I would be fighting a hangover, and it didn’t help that I would have to rely on London’s public transport, which was both enemy and ally. Because you can never rely on the busses and tubes in the morning, I couldn’t actually plan my sleep down to the last minute, but at the same time, if I was late into work…the bloody transport again…ah that old chestnut!
When I was a senior at high school, I would often get up in the morning get dressed and then get back into bed until I absolutely had to get out of bed again. I could plan my time down to the last minute.
As the years went by in London, I seemed to get lucky and work in relative convenience to where I lived. During the last few years I actually worked close enough to cycle to work, so again it was a case of knowing my exact route and the time it took to get there.
So what’s my point?
Well I don’t actually have a point today. Thought I might make it one of those share em days.

I thought this article was quite interesting, even though I am a dog person myself…

Cats coax their owners into giving them what they want with a special purr that blends their normal soft, low sound with a high-pitched element that is hard to ignore, British researchers said.
The high-frequency part is similar to a cry or a meow, and cats incorporate this into their normal, contended purr to exploit the nurturing instincts of humans for their own needs -- usually to get fed, according to scientists.
Lead author Dr Karen McComb of Sussex University in southern England said she initiated the study after being repeatedly woken up in the mornings by her own cat, Pepo.
"I wondered why this purring sounded so annoying and was so difficult to ignore.
McComb and her team tested human responses to different purring types, including "solicitation" purrs -- which included the high-frequency element and were made by hungry cats -- against "non-solicitation" or normal purrs.
"When humans were played purrs recorded while cats were actively seeking food at equal volume to purrs recorded in non-solicitation contexts, even those with no experience of cats judged the solicitation' purrs to be more urgent and less pleasant," she said.
When the team re-synthesised the purrs to remove the embedded cry, the urgency ratings decreased significantly.
McComb concluded that the cats were using the special purr to make their views known without risking irritating humans with an overt meow.
However, this solution appears only to work in cats living one-on-one with their owners -- cats in large households usually have to meow to be heard.

More Bull

Holiday downer of the day…Pamplona bull gores man to death.
A bull gored a man to death during the world famous Pamplona run on Friday, piercing his neck, heart and lungs with its horns in front of thousands of tourists.
Witnesses pulled on the tail of the bull in a bid to get it away from the Spanish man who was thrown into the air by the animal, television footage showed…one for Youtube then no doubt…
He could be seen curled up, but motionless on the ground.
The festival, in which about a dozen bulls are released each morning to run from their corral over an 825-metre (900-yard) course to the bullring, causes injuries every year as tourists, dressed in white with a red neckerchief, sprint in front of the animals.
Talk of death among thousands…

I don’t want to jump on the Michael Jackson bandwagon, but with the horror show that was his memorial service, what with his coffin in the centre of the stage the entire time, as instructed by his parents to be like Dianna –since when did memorial services become so damn competitive?
I think child loving star should have given the world what they really wanted to see…An open coffin! Yeah go on OPEN IT! OPEN IT! Should have been the chants from the audience as they drowned out the sound of a very whiney Mariah Carey.
The world would have wanted to see Mikey’s face one last time…surely!

Just a little more on my colleague: He was once chairman of the Hypnotherapy Association.
This time I had to speak up, I for one was mesmerised! I said to him: “Listen here…er pal…look into my eyes, look into my eyes, you are getting very sleepy… ha ha
Before my little experiment could take effect, our resident he-man added that being a qualified acupuncturist, he is said to often perform acupuncture on himself…oh the needle of the man…time to stick a pin in his inflated…
Have a nice weekend...

Pulloutmyhairomania - wear a cap

Impulsive hair-pulling, or trichotillomania, is a recognised but little understood medical condition.
Already this makes very little sense to me. Its recognised as a medic al condition, but not understood? Huh?Experts believe there is a genetic element to it, but stress also appears to play a part.
Again there is a lot of fudge here, they don’t understand trichotillomania – Jesus where did they get a name like that for something they don’t understand? But of course they understand it well enough to attribute a genetic element to it?

In my opinion there are so many diseases and disorders around at the moment. It makes me think that doctors are clueless when provided with symptoms so they just make up random words – trichotillomania – see? And provide wishy washy explanations for them.
Neomie De Costa, now 47, was 11 when she started tearing her hair out. "It was a very difficult year for me…. sugar cube its been a difficult year for many of us.
"A lot fell apart at that age. "I'd recently lost my grandfather, my parents were divorcing and my sister who I was very close to was getting married and moving away."Like many with trichotillomania, Neomie said she got some sense of relief and satisfaction from pulling out her hair…cookoo.
"It was a physical thing. The top of my head would itch. It felt like insects were crawling under the skin and the relief came with pulling the hair.
Ok so now I am probably not going to blame the doctor for coming up with a name like trichotillomania.
"It became a ritual. After I pulled out a hair from my head I would look at the root and examine it perhaps rub it on my lips or eat it….no comment.
Neomie has since stopped her hair-pulling, but it has left its mark. She wears a wig as only a third of her hair has grown back. Ok so if this is a genetic thing, as doctors say, how do they explain her decision to stop? Did they prescribe her pills?
Neomie attributes much of her hair pulling to stressful life events - she was a victim of child abuse and rape….
OK so here it is alarm bells, flashlights, hell Hiroshima, she was raped, I reckon that will do the trick…side effects can be a bitch when it comes to rape and why didn’t she mention this at the top of the article…genetics my arse.
She also found certain foods triggered her hair-pulling….ok so this is getting absurd….it’s the rape, say no more…please!
"Chilli causes me very bad urges. Peanuts, sugar or anything with glucose syrup in it is also very bad for me." Don’t bloody well eat those things then.
Neomie's daughter, Jaya, who is 26 and also lives in Bournemouth, has trichotillomania too, aah no really, I am starting to tug on my hair now, just reading this.
Neomie said: "We know there is a genetic element? How? Where is the proof?
“But my daughter has seen devastating effect it had on my life and she has been more controlled with her hair pulling." For Lois, her condition, which started when she was 13, has a trance like property. "It began when I was twiddling off my mascara and I pulled out an eyelash and I discovered I liked it. "I still do it now. I have no eyelashes or eyebrows left. "When I get the hair I've pulled out I like to rub it between my fingers. It's the ritual that is important for me. "I do it when I am watching TV and particularly if I am tired. I trance out and almost don't realise I am doing it.
I like eating peanut butter and marmite and fish paste all on the same slice of warm (it has to be warm damn it) toast. Does that mean I have grossontoastomania? Doctor!
My advise is get a job, wear a hat, stop eating syrup, stop watching telly and stop pulling your hair out. It isnt genetic, rape is never a good thing, so deal with that issue, problem solved.

I sometimes wonder if I am not too blame for trichotillomania as all my previous teachers, and my mother for that matter have said show they have wanted to pull their hair out when I have been about! More food for thought.
PS: I will not be held responsible for any comments made above as I suffer from hespeaks alotofbullxometimes-aphobia - which is also a genetic condition , aparently, in the state of Alabama and in Yemen.

So how was your day honey?

I had a good chuckle on the way into work this morning…
I had the radio on and a caller told the DJ how her husband had slipped off to burgle from their neighbours house while she was in hospital delivering their baby.
The doctors and family asked her where her husband was, and the poor lady had absolutely no idea.
Happily, she said that the two had long since divorced.
It follows a story in the UK where woman recently called off her wedding recently after finding out that her husband to be had starred in several porn movies.
27-year-old Haylie Hocking of Bristol was planning her wedding with her dream man, Jason Brake, who she was led to believe worked as a personal trainer. Brake frequently travelled on weekends, telling her he was working with clients.
Hocking only discovered Brake’s secret life as a porn star after her and a friend searched for strippers online for her bachelorette party and found a pornographic video of her fiance.
Hocking confronted the man she had previously called “a thoughtful and passionate lover” and he confessed to his lying and infidelity, saying that his most recent porn movie shoot had only been a couple weeks before.
She immediately called off the wedding, saying she may never be able to trust a man again.
I have to say that if I caught my spouse getting into all kinds of positions with a host of porn actors on a daily basis, I would first consider how lucrative her contract was…I could live off her exploits by playing golf all day and sipping cocktails by night quite easily…
I would consider myself quite lucky that I had a partner that was good looking enough and talented enough to warrant a film about her exploits in the sack and I could save on my monthly porn bill by having free DVDs of my talented wife.

Ha ha only kidding – I would send her on her bike and tell her to be careful not to slip down the seat on her way out.
I wonder how much people really know about their other half…so to speak…I just hope that I am the naughty half should that scenario ever play itself out in my world…I can hear the intro to my own film…lots of base and a saxophone.

Colleague watch: He is going on a holiday to Australia on holiday in a weak and tells us that he was a champion lifesaver in his day…it must be hard to be a lifesaver when you live 600km’s from the sea on a mine-dump? Maybe he is referring to the Vaal River Lifesaving Club (VRLC) – they should get a t-shirt made.

You say dope I say caine

So here is a shocking news flash – Cyclist banned after dope test!

Dutch cyclist Thomas Dekker will miss the Tour de France after testing positive for the banned blood-booster EPO, his Silence team announced.
Ironic that name Silence… innit!

I find it amazing that cyclists still think they can get away with cheating in the sport after so much publicity and drug testing.
It makes me think that either these cyclists are as thick as pig shit, or they truly believe they can get away with it, and perhaps most of them still are?
Don’t get me wrong, I ams amazed at the achievements of cyclists who complete the Tour De France. It is one of my favourite events to watch…so far only on the telly. In my view it is the most difficult endurance sport on the planet.
Cyclists cover 3500 kilometres in, with the longest event-taking place in 1926 at 5,745 km. The fastest road stage was the 1999 stage Laval-Blois (194.5 km), won by Mario Cipollini at an average speed of 50.355 km/h and riders will continue these speeds and distances for weeks at a time – enough said.
I say if riders are taking that much punishment, let them take drugs – as many as their beating hearts can take. It was said that Miguel Indurain – the Spanish King of the Tour De France in the mid 90’s had a normal heart rate of about 40 beats per minute. Imagine what he would have been capapble of had he been allowed EPO etc.
The danger of course is that your heart can beat so fast that it explodes… Kapow.

Still, my all time favourite sports song is Queens Bicycle Race as an ode to the amazing racing spectacle that is the Tour De France…
Fat Bottom Girls indeed
On Your Marks get set go…priceless lyrics

Bicycle races are coming your waySo forget all your duties oh yeahFat bottomed girls they'll be riding todaySo look out for those beauties oh yeahOn your marks get set goBicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
You say coke I say caineYou say John I say WayneHot dog I say cool it manI don't wanna be the President of AmericaYou say smile I say cheeseCartier I say pleaseIncome tax I say JesusI don't wanna be a candidate forVietnam or WatergateCause all I wanna do is…

I wonder if Freddie was aluding to drugs in the sport when he mentiones Bolivian marching powder in his song lyrics...genius was our Freddie - RIP good man!