Duck - the bouncer

Today is a very good day for confession.

So Shoaib Akhtar walks into a Catholic church looking for a place to confess his sins. Looking rather lost, he scratches his head, and his nether regions, at the same time. Seeing the door open, Shoaib steps into the chamber and takes a seat.

“Bless me father for I have sinned, its been many years since my last confession…”

“Wait, stop right there,” the Priest interjects. “Shoaib is that you? Get out of my Church immediately. I don’t want my little choirboys getting what you have. And you have no business here being a Muslim. When the Bible says God welcomes all who are undeserving to come into his banqueting hall, well it wasn’t talking to you, so f&ck off out my church.”

For anyone who doesn’t know who Shoaib Akhtar is, he is a Pakistani cricketer and one time fastest bowler in the world extraordinaire, who has recently been caught with his pants down. He has been withdrawn from Pakistan's squad for the World Twenty20 because of a genital infection.

The fast bowler was due to join the 15-man squad for a six-day training camp last week, but was advised to rest.

"We have pulled him out of the World Twenty20 on the basis of a medical report," said a spokesman for the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). Ha ha, they could have stopped there, but no…they had to say more…

The PCB statement continued: "The medical board has reported that Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from genital viral warts and the wound needs further care and treatment for another 10 days." Wow! Time for the "Rawalpindi Express" to think about becoming the first Pakistani to get a face transplant, but first things first, antibiotics are needed.

"What you doing Shoaib? looks like you are scratching your balls again?"
"No I am shining the ball, to make it swing..."

And in the UK, the PM expenses row has begun to see some really strange, and very honest revelations. A British opposition lawmaker is to quit after claiming £1 600 for a "duck island".

Conservative MP Sir Peter Viggers bought the wooden structure for the pond at his home in Hampshire, southern England. He has been made to resign with immediate effect, so that he can spend more time waiting for his bread to get stale to feed his ducks. It follows earlier allegations of ‘moat cleaning’…

The Daily Telegraph reported that Mr Hogg had been paid more than £20,000 a year between 2004 and 2008 in second home allowances. Among the costs itemised were £2,115 for having a moat cleared, £646.25 for "general repairs, stable etc" and £40 for piano tuning, the paper said.

But in a statement, Mr Hogg said: "It is clear that the system is flawed and that we as parliamentarians have a responsibility for this; we got it wrong and we need to apologise for that, I do apologise for it." Whether he used govt money to clean his moat or not, the man owns a moat… and piano tuning? What planet do these people live on? Mr Hogg simply cannot be in touch with the working class citizen in the UK.

So in the spirit of confession, I admit today that I like snow globe shakers and going into pet shops and tapping on the glass of the fish tanks, waiting for the fish to react…

Joke of the day:
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on afifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"