Sleep incompatibility

So sleeping in separate rooms has become fashionable again!
And for one woman, it’s a case of changing one bed partner for another as she faces a lengthy jail term after stabbing and beating her husband because of his snoring.
The rude awakening, is taken to a whole new level in this case and our lady nutter can only hope that her in-mate isnt a 300 pound lesbian names Trixy! Top bunk anyone?

Research by the Sleep Council has found that half of us are regularly woken about six times a night by our partners, particularly if they snore or fidget. Oh well in that case, the snoring bastid deserved it!

It said that “sleep conflicts” often will result in relationship conflicts….Snoring, body heat, Cover tuggers, kicking, rolling, farting, bad moods, PMS, different taste in mattress texture are all valid excuses for men having to sleep in the pink themed spare room under the frilly duvet courteously provided by the mom-in law! Thanks er, I think.

Snoring is probably the main driver for this trend of couples sleeping apart. In some cases, it just plain and simply a health hazard to sleep together, just ask the little Filipino woman who is about 4'10" & 85 lbs, having been picked as an online mail order bride suitor for Eddy, the 450 lbs McDonalds loving porn surfing, sweaty yank!

Personally, there is nothing more comforting than falling asleep and waking up next to the one you love…until the biatch picks up a few kilos and starts to snore like a drunken trucker…LOL
Jokes aside though, spooning, fooling about whether late at night or first thing in the morning is a huge contributing factor towards a strong, healthy relationship!
It’s possibly the only time you can be intimate, alone and share secrets with each other, chat and generally bond. In fact its my favourite time with my partner, who sometimes sleep talks…which I find really cute, unless it involves me and the words 'effing prick' or some guy named Ryan and the words 'harder, faster, yes, yes, yes'.

Peace out - the sandman

Bright side of life +10…

Affirmations are strong positive statements that help us reach a certain state of mind or develop a desirable quality.
They are worded as if the situation is already so, such as, "I am calm in the traffic", "I am a punctual person".
Affirmations replace the negative messages in your subconscious with positive ones.
Thoughts and words are extremely powerful, and play a big role in determining what we attract into our lives. I firmly believe this to be true…I have said it a thousand times…"I want a big penis, I want a big penis," and after much repetition, it came true, the same about having a beautiful girlfriend, "I want a beautiful girlfriend, with amazing breasts, and matching personality"…it came true.
Word of advise though, be careful not to set unrealistic goals like…"I want a mansion in the South of France with several sports cars in my horse shoe driveway and an open invitation to Hugh Hefner's mansion, and a majority shares in Google"…I have repeated these a thousand times, I have even taken up foreign languages to voice these desires, but to no avail. One has to be realistic, obviously.
Our thoughts become our reality.
Repeated regularly, they eventually become fact…unless you are this Japanese woman who drove home with the body of an 80-year-old pedestrian lodged in her windscreen.
"I am a good driver, I am a good driver" will not help in a situation that this 23-year-old driver found herself in, having struck the elderly woman before driving seven kilometers home with the victim's body wedged in the shattered windscreen.
She was charged with causing a traffic accident resulting in death and escaping after running over a person with a car.

Get into the habit of repeating your affirmations every day, in the shower, at the traffic lights or in the supermarket queue…you look stupid, but feel great inside…

Great Firewall of China - porn-spotting

Here is a job worth doing… porn spotting; the far more attractive, outgoing and well liked cousin of train spotting.

A college student in China who said his studies suffered after he discovered Internet porn was awarded 1,466 dollars for helping the government crack down on sexual content online.
The student reported 32 websites that contained pornography, winning a nationwide contest that has encouraged web-surfers to hunt down porn – Well OK then, if you insist.

I would like to take this film a few reels back…Can you imagine the anguish of this student before deciding to come forward with this er problem, for lack of a better word, sitting eating chow mien, or roast dog or whatever, thinking…I wonder if I should tell people the real reason why I didn’t get into college?

"In the past, when I was in middle school, I used to get grades that were good enough to enter a really good university," the young man said.

"It is because of the influence of pornography on the Internet that I was only able to go to junior college," said the student.

Officials have offered rewards to Internet users who report pornographic websites. In the first month of the effort, nearly 62,000 websites were reported, an indication that a hefty number of web users were on the lookout for porn. LOL go figure…such brave souls these porn hunters…As Steve Erwin the original crocodile hunter once said: " "Crikey means gee whiz, wow! Where I live if someone gives you a hug it`s from the heart."

Chinese authorities arrested more than 5,000 people in a crackdown on Internet pornography in 2009, officials said earlier this year. China has at least 338 million online users.

Holiday no-NO!

While on the beach at Balito Bay over the holidays, I saw a couple walk onto the sand to set up 'camp'. The wife and her kids had arrived first to set up brolly, put out the towels etc. In the process of setting up, the wind picked up just as her hubby arrived with his unbuttoned shirt and PT shorts, he screamed Blue Bull rugby supporter…

The brolly blew across the sand and he sprinted after it, cussing and shouting arms and legs all over the shop akin to a banshee.

He picked up the sun blocker, and then proceeded to march back to his family, looking like a member of the SS youth, eyes and stomach bulging…

He threw the umbrella onto the sand and began to shout and swear at his wife, who shrunk into her chair with embarrassment as a near full beach looked on in amusement and then disgust and embarrassment. The two young daughters also shrivelled up like week old roses, towels wrapped around their innocent and fragile frames, despite the near blistering conditions.

When he was done making a complete fool out of himself, they all sat in silence for about ten minutes before packing up and leaving again, a perfectly good day on the beach ruined by a temper. At one stage the hubby came up to his wife's face as if to head-butt her and spat out more profanity, before trying to resolve the situation by opening up a beer and sitting smugly on a deckchair.

At one satge, I thought someone might have to get up and intervene, try and talk sense to the man….who had clearly lost his senses.

Where is the protocol? Should someone interfere?

The guy might have had a really bad year lost his business and forced to spend more money on holiday…

Here is what a relationship expert says about what not to do when in an argument with your spouse!

- Don’t say “you” “You don’t love me anymore,” is sure to tick your partner off. You can’t speak for someone else, remember. Rather say, “I feel as though you don’t love me anymore.”
- Never say never (and always) Because it’s simply not true and it’s a sure fire way to unproductive arguing.
- Listen and don’t think of what you’ll be saying next
According to most couples’ counsellors, this is the underlying issue in most fights. Listen to your partner. Because really, how can you fight if you don’t even know what the other person is unhappy about?
- Know each other’s weaknesses and steer the hell clear of them
Remember, this is a person you love. Also, you’ll want to make up again sometime, and every time you hurt someone’s feelings maliciously, it breaks down a small part of the relationship.
- Accept your partner’s fighting style
If she always cries in a fight, don’t let it anger you. If he needs to walk around a lot, let him.
- Stay on topic
Don’t fight about everything at the same time. That way lies madness.
- Don’t be automatically defensive
Maybe it’s not you. And if you stay off your horse you might be able to help your partner.
- Don’t fight after drinks
It’s just not worth it.

Here are a few footnotes about fighting as expressed by the South African public….

1) The best thing about fighting is the make up sex! (a perfectly good reson)

2) My wife & I fought a lot in the beginning stages of our relationship until we went for a personality test? (A what?)

That is when I saw why she acted the way she did and she saw why I acted the way I did, this taught me which buttons not to press and I can honestly say we had only one fight in the past 8 months because we know now WHY the other person gets mad and we can work through it …(Can you imagine if the personality doctor had told them that they weren’t suited?)

3) My husband and I fight a lot lately, almost about everything, but I realised that this is because we don't have make up sex anymore. He is suffering from a low libido and on the other side I am perfectly fine, so I never get enough sex. So I guess that's why I get so easily irritated….(read that again slowly and that logic is funnier the second time around)

4) I couldn't believe that yesterday my husband and I fought over NOTHING ! He went out with me and when WE came back together I was pissed at him, coz I thought he was gonna be tired and ignore me, as he was drunk.

The make up sex for that was FABULOUS. I've realised that if you need a GR8 SEX you must first check which mood you man is in, make sure that you cry on his shoulder and ask him how he can do this to you, after all you can not live without him. Make sure that you bath and go to bed FIRST, so that when he comes to the bedroom u'll be ready for him. BE CERTAIN NOT TO EXCEED YOUR LIMITATIONS, THOUGH.

(Love the bold)….really?

5) My boyfriend and I keep fighting everyday, I don't know maybe its because I am pregnant? (You cannot make this stuff up!

6) My wife and I we fight a lot especial when I need her or miss her now she told me that she does not have an interest in making love to me. (Wow that sucks…one word divorce that fat bitch!)

7) My husband and I never fight and I find it strange that we have been married for more than 5 years. Is it lack of passion in our relationship or are trying too hard not to tread on each others toes? (The odd couple?)

Glass houses

People with mental illnesses should take care not to get stressed out over the festive season, the SA Depression and Anxiety Group said.

The Christmas holidays could be stressful for anyone, the organisation said.

But for people with illnesses such as depression or bipolar disorder, it could lead to a worsening of symptoms.

"Remember that your health comes first and if crowds and huge get-togethers aren’t your thing, opt to go to the smaller gatherings instead," the organisation said.

If large gatherings were unavoidable, sufferers should always have an exit strategy.

Yes they should be made to sit in white rooms with no furniture and definately no christmas decorations or cheer...besides they just get in the way when you are trying to scurry about the shopping centres looking for last minute gifts anyway...

Have a merry Christmas...the Grinch

Stupid is as stupid does

I watched an episode of Mr Bean recently – yes slapstick, cringe worthy entertainment of the highest order…and like the marmite love it or hate it phenomenon you either want to strangle the guy for the satisfaction of seeing those bulging eyes of his, well pop out of his oval shaped head, or you like him so much, like my grandfather did, that your false teeth fall onto the floor amid a coughing fit as you struggle to breath and saliva gets caught travelling down the wrong passage…general chaos ensues.

Beanmans afore mentioned episode sees the goofy looking fellow packing for a well deserved holiday…What exactly does Mr Bean do for a job anyway?

Basically he realises that he has a small suitcase and therefore makes various packing adjustments to ensure that the bare necessities aren’t left behind…he snaps a tooth brush in half squeezes out half the toothpaste - that sort of malarkey…he also cuts his chinos at the knees to turn them into knickerbockers before he realises that lying underneath he already owns a pair…yes mind the false teeth folks…

Anyways stupidity on that level you would think very difficult to find in the real world.

You would be WRONG!

I stumbled upon a list of holiday complaints – real- and cringe worthy, like Mr Bean in Church….or Borat and his fat hairy Russian friend wrestling nude and then running into the convention sentre in the hotel they are staying at! Or any Borat scene for that matter…stick a needle in my eye I cannot watch that stuff!

I decide to create a nutter rating out of 10 – being nuttier than Black Cat peanut butter!

Mr Bean 7

Borat 8

Britney Spears 6

Elton John 7

Hitler 10

Julius Malema 6

No1 on the list was a woman, who briefly after checking in, returned to the reception desk clutching a travel brochure. She pointed out that the bedspread in her room did not match the one in the brochure.

The receptionist pointed out that the hotel had recently been refurbished with all new accessories, however the woman was not satisfied until an old matching bedspread was found to replace the one in her room….nutter rating 6

2) A man took the time to write in and complain that no one had informed him that there were fish in the sea, and his children had been caught unaware and were now extremely frightened.

Nutter rating 6

3) A man on a safari honeymoon complained that the lodge overlooked a watering hole where elephants could often be spotted.

Apparently not, after one of the elephants became aroused, the man was left feeling inadequate for the rest of his holiday, ruining his honeymoon.

Nutter rating..Elton John me thinks 7

4) One couple sent a formal complaint to the airline stating that it was unacceptable that it took them nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England and it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

Nutter rating Mr Bean 7

5) A young woman left an unhappy comment upon leaving a beach resort claiming that all topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. Apparently her holiday was a complete waste because her husband spent all day looking at other women

Nutter rating 5

7) Staff at a well-known hotel thought it was odd that a woman never left her room, but they didn't interfere. Eventually the woman emerged and stormed to reception shouting that she was going to call the police - the irresponsible staff had locked her in her room and ruined her whole holiday! In reality, she had simply mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign for a warning to stay in the room.

Nutter rating 8

8) One couple were horrified to be placed in a double-bedroom instead of the twin-bedroom that they had booked. They now hold the hotel directly responsible for the fact that the woman is pregnant. Apparently it would never have happened if they had been put in the room that they had booked.

Nutter rating 6

Patri-not

Eight years after a US-led invasion ousted the Taliban from power in Afghanistan (Really?) the war-ravaged state is the most dangerous place in the world for a child to be born, the United Nations said on Thursday….love it, the almighty UN is now just nothing more than a glorified research agency.

Methinks a name change is in order…No Brainier Institute of research (NBI), along with a tag line: Ineffective mediator…coming through ineffective mediator here.
It is especially dangerous for girls, the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) said (do ya think?), Barcelona football team would be embarrassed by that statement…its like saying Ronaldo is a fair player.
Afghanistan has the highest infant mortality rate in the world - 257 deaths per 1,000 live births – that is astounding.

"Afghanistan today is without a doubt the most dangerous place to be born," Daniel Toole (If the name suits), UNICEF regional director for South Asia said…USA! USA! Don’t forget to put a flag in the ground, beat your chests and declare a national holiday…good work and high fives all round.

Some 43% of the country is now virtually off-limits to aid agencies due to insecurity, according to Tool (I decided to drop the e)…and they say that this almighty US-led invasion ousted the Taliban from power in Afghanistan? Only 57% of it they did.

Some 317 schools in Afghanistan were attacked in the past year, killing 124 and wounding another 290, Tool said…USA! USA!…go on send Bette Midler over for Christmas to cheer up the lads, or perhaps Will Farrell to make lite of the situation, you know keep morale up and all that..Hank the Tank! Hank the Tank! "You all make so proud to be an American…that’s a riot…that’s a laugh riot!

Yes yes, I know that it isn’t the Americans who are attacking these schools, but it may as well be…

If it bleeds, we can kill it…Arni, now governor in the USA USA once said that.

"We have seen a drop in the number of children who are attending schools and particularly young girls," he added.

Without a doubt quote of the day!

"How was school today Ikky Ikky Achput? "It was ok, Mohammad who sits next to me in bomb making class got blown up while trying to fuse his ammonium nitrate bomb, I got an A for cluster bomb making, and Muna, Yasir and Hidi all got shot when they strayed too far from the playground.

"I was thinking that perhaps I might astay at home tomorrow, you know in case I get killed or something like that… Can I have some humus with that Pita bread?"

School enrolment in Afghanistan had risen to 5 million, including 2 million girls, against 1 million with virtually no girls in 2001 when the Taliban were ousted from power, he said.

USA!USA! From being a patriotic myth, the Russian people have become an awful reality. Leon Trotsky said that…

As I write this blog the headline on the Beeb wesite: President Barack Obama orders 30,000 more US soldiers to Afghanistan but also spells out an exit strategy.

Ooh-rah –used by the marines as greeting or as an expression of enthusiasm – how about bollocks!

Repeat after me, This is my rifle, There are many like it, but this one is mine, without my rifle I am nothing, without me, my rifle is nothing…