Nostradamus se po&s

Monday, January 25, 2010 has been termed: ‘the most depressing day in history’, according to a UK psychologist – not Nosferatu or his blunt toothed cousin Nostradamus.So how did this genius, Luke Hirst, MD of debt experts Debtbusters, come up with this doomsday talk?

Well lets listen in shall we: ‘Last year this time we experienced the highest influx of consumers applying for Debt counselling ever recorded and this month even more are expected.’
‘It has been an extremely long time since most people have received their last pay-check. It is evident according to our increasing enquiries that the average South African consumer has been spending beyond their means’

The man has a partner in crime too, a Watson to his Sherlock if you like...UK psychologist Arnall, whose mathematical calculations show that depression hits us this coming Monday said: “Following the initial thrill of New Year's celebrations and changing over a new leaf, reality starts to sink in. The realization coincides with the dark clouds rolling in and the obligation to pay off Christmas credit card bills.”

Oh thank Goodness, Ganesh, Karbala or Einstein…add you favourite deity here…these chaps have some proof…an equation, an actual equation.

Wanna see?

The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ M x NA

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

And here I thought the worst day in history would be to find out that you were adopted, lost your job, dumped by your girlfriend, got hit by a bus and..again think of something worse than the weather...unless you are in England at the moment...sorry about that!

So a typical formula might look like so...

The model is: [Why + was x I even born} P x shoot me now

So when do they reckon is the best day of the year?

The model is: [L + (No-B)] x GS Isl x HG + LFC + SHK

(L) stands for winning the Lotto
No-B - Finding out that your one night stand is not pregnant
GS – Owning just under majority shares of Google, enough not to have to be involved in the Group's daily business.
Isl – Finding out that your long lost (what does that mean anyway?) great great grand pappie passed on to you an Island in the Caribbean that he owned.
HG – Finding out that your new hot girlfriend, Lauren has a twin sister and they are inseparable, doing everything together, everything!
LFC – Liverpool football club winning the Champions League, FA Cup and Premiership title all on the same day, let alone the same year, with the SHK – Sharks winning the Super 14 and Currie Cup.

Pimp that sh&t

So I watched a screening of the Jonathan R(W)oss show on the weekend on BBC Prime.
He introduced a band to sign off his show, a young ginger girl named Florence…well her band name is Florence and the Machine, so I can only assume that her name is in fact Florence…a quick Google confirmed that.
Thanks to the power of the net, you can track 'similar' artists to those you have historically liked, to cater for your musical ears. And being the global community that it is, you can talk to others who share similar tastes for new music.
And this great find comes not a moment too soon as my music taste of late has gone 'retro'…which really just means that I have dragged out some old CDs from my collection ands started to repopulate them again, partly because I have been lazy, and also because there just doesn’t seem to be much good stuff about lately..cue RadioHead, Pixies and even some BeachBoys…

So it was with great enthusiasm that I boasted to Lauren on Sunday evening as she downloaded new music from I-tunes onto her laptop (she is good that way) that I had found a great new band…
"Oh that’s great my love," she winced. (Our musical tastes are like chalk and cheese, wine and vinegar…mine is the wine, hers is definitely vinegar) Of course I would say that, but honestly – Hip hop?
To Lauren's credit, I have actually started to like some of the more commercial stuff in that genre as result of her generosity to burn CD's for me to listen to in the car on the way to work. I am dope with that.
When a taxi cuts me off, I just turn up the volume to..Im'a gonna pop a cap in your ass' – and breath out as I mentally picture the carnage that would follow such an act… its really quite beautiful.
Lauren generally leaves my gift on the kitchen counter with a little 'I love you' note inscribed on the CD, but it got me thinking…Is this not just sugar-coating what is essentially a gherkin? Am I getting played? Is this a plot to take over my senses, flip my script?
I am of course only kidding; I am touched by her sentiment, and even more so to hear new sounds, besides if I start to dis her rap, there will be no more booty calling, do you catch my nut? That girlfriend will cash me out - I would be as much use as a Christmas cracker, dog.
My girl is fly, that’s the 411 on her, I am her pimp, and she is my erm ho? Not if I wanna share her crib with her tonite..or ever again.

My girl is sweat, dope and smokin - no amount of Benjamins could tell me otherwise!

Anyway, gotsta fly, I have a bathroom door that is in serious need of graffitti
Peace!

Sleep incompatibility

So sleeping in separate rooms has become fashionable again!
And for one woman, it’s a case of changing one bed partner for another as she faces a lengthy jail term after stabbing and beating her husband because of his snoring.
The rude awakening, is taken to a whole new level in this case and our lady nutter can only hope that her in-mate isnt a 300 pound lesbian names Trixy! Top bunk anyone?

Research by the Sleep Council has found that half of us are regularly woken about six times a night by our partners, particularly if they snore or fidget. Oh well in that case, the snoring bastid deserved it!

It said that “sleep conflicts” often will result in relationship conflicts….Snoring, body heat, Cover tuggers, kicking, rolling, farting, bad moods, PMS, different taste in mattress texture are all valid excuses for men having to sleep in the pink themed spare room under the frilly duvet courteously provided by the mom-in law! Thanks er, I think.

Snoring is probably the main driver for this trend of couples sleeping apart. In some cases, it just plain and simply a health hazard to sleep together, just ask the little Filipino woman who is about 4'10" & 85 lbs, having been picked as an online mail order bride suitor for Eddy, the 450 lbs McDonalds loving porn surfing, sweaty yank!

Personally, there is nothing more comforting than falling asleep and waking up next to the one you love…until the biatch picks up a few kilos and starts to snore like a drunken trucker…LOL
Jokes aside though, spooning, fooling about whether late at night or first thing in the morning is a huge contributing factor towards a strong, healthy relationship!
It’s possibly the only time you can be intimate, alone and share secrets with each other, chat and generally bond. In fact its my favourite time with my partner, who sometimes sleep talks…which I find really cute, unless it involves me and the words 'effing prick' or some guy named Ryan and the words 'harder, faster, yes, yes, yes'.

Peace out - the sandman

Bright side of life +10…

Affirmations are strong positive statements that help us reach a certain state of mind or develop a desirable quality.
They are worded as if the situation is already so, such as, "I am calm in the traffic", "I am a punctual person".
Affirmations replace the negative messages in your subconscious with positive ones.
Thoughts and words are extremely powerful, and play a big role in determining what we attract into our lives. I firmly believe this to be true…I have said it a thousand times…"I want a big penis, I want a big penis," and after much repetition, it came true, the same about having a beautiful girlfriend, "I want a beautiful girlfriend, with amazing breasts, and matching personality"…it came true.
Word of advise though, be careful not to set unrealistic goals like…"I want a mansion in the South of France with several sports cars in my horse shoe driveway and an open invitation to Hugh Hefner's mansion, and a majority shares in Google"…I have repeated these a thousand times, I have even taken up foreign languages to voice these desires, but to no avail. One has to be realistic, obviously.
Our thoughts become our reality.
Repeated regularly, they eventually become fact…unless you are this Japanese woman who drove home with the body of an 80-year-old pedestrian lodged in her windscreen.
"I am a good driver, I am a good driver" will not help in a situation that this 23-year-old driver found herself in, having struck the elderly woman before driving seven kilometers home with the victim's body wedged in the shattered windscreen.
She was charged with causing a traffic accident resulting in death and escaping after running over a person with a car.

Get into the habit of repeating your affirmations every day, in the shower, at the traffic lights or in the supermarket queue…you look stupid, but feel great inside…

Great Firewall of China - porn-spotting

Here is a job worth doing… porn spotting; the far more attractive, outgoing and well liked cousin of train spotting.

A college student in China who said his studies suffered after he discovered Internet porn was awarded 1,466 dollars for helping the government crack down on sexual content online.
The student reported 32 websites that contained pornography, winning a nationwide contest that has encouraged web-surfers to hunt down porn – Well OK then, if you insist.

I would like to take this film a few reels back…Can you imagine the anguish of this student before deciding to come forward with this er problem, for lack of a better word, sitting eating chow mien, or roast dog or whatever, thinking…I wonder if I should tell people the real reason why I didn’t get into college?

"In the past, when I was in middle school, I used to get grades that were good enough to enter a really good university," the young man said.

"It is because of the influence of pornography on the Internet that I was only able to go to junior college," said the student.

Officials have offered rewards to Internet users who report pornographic websites. In the first month of the effort, nearly 62,000 websites were reported, an indication that a hefty number of web users were on the lookout for porn. LOL go figure…such brave souls these porn hunters…As Steve Erwin the original crocodile hunter once said: " "Crikey means gee whiz, wow! Where I live if someone gives you a hug it`s from the heart."

Chinese authorities arrested more than 5,000 people in a crackdown on Internet pornography in 2009, officials said earlier this year. China has at least 338 million online users.

Holiday no-NO!

While on the beach at Balito Bay over the holidays, I saw a couple walk onto the sand to set up 'camp'. The wife and her kids had arrived first to set up brolly, put out the towels etc. In the process of setting up, the wind picked up just as her hubby arrived with his unbuttoned shirt and PT shorts, he screamed Blue Bull rugby supporter…

The brolly blew across the sand and he sprinted after it, cussing and shouting arms and legs all over the shop akin to a banshee.

He picked up the sun blocker, and then proceeded to march back to his family, looking like a member of the SS youth, eyes and stomach bulging…

He threw the umbrella onto the sand and began to shout and swear at his wife, who shrunk into her chair with embarrassment as a near full beach looked on in amusement and then disgust and embarrassment. The two young daughters also shrivelled up like week old roses, towels wrapped around their innocent and fragile frames, despite the near blistering conditions.

When he was done making a complete fool out of himself, they all sat in silence for about ten minutes before packing up and leaving again, a perfectly good day on the beach ruined by a temper. At one stage the hubby came up to his wife's face as if to head-butt her and spat out more profanity, before trying to resolve the situation by opening up a beer and sitting smugly on a deckchair.

At one satge, I thought someone might have to get up and intervene, try and talk sense to the man….who had clearly lost his senses.

Where is the protocol? Should someone interfere?

The guy might have had a really bad year lost his business and forced to spend more money on holiday…

Here is what a relationship expert says about what not to do when in an argument with your spouse!

- Don’t say “you” “You don’t love me anymore,” is sure to tick your partner off. You can’t speak for someone else, remember. Rather say, “I feel as though you don’t love me anymore.”
- Never say never (and always) Because it’s simply not true and it’s a sure fire way to unproductive arguing.
- Listen and don’t think of what you’ll be saying next
According to most couples’ counsellors, this is the underlying issue in most fights. Listen to your partner. Because really, how can you fight if you don’t even know what the other person is unhappy about?
- Know each other’s weaknesses and steer the hell clear of them
Remember, this is a person you love. Also, you’ll want to make up again sometime, and every time you hurt someone’s feelings maliciously, it breaks down a small part of the relationship.
- Accept your partner’s fighting style
If she always cries in a fight, don’t let it anger you. If he needs to walk around a lot, let him.
- Stay on topic
Don’t fight about everything at the same time. That way lies madness.
- Don’t be automatically defensive
Maybe it’s not you. And if you stay off your horse you might be able to help your partner.
- Don’t fight after drinks
It’s just not worth it.

Here are a few footnotes about fighting as expressed by the South African public….

1) The best thing about fighting is the make up sex! (a perfectly good reson)

2) My wife & I fought a lot in the beginning stages of our relationship until we went for a personality test? (A what?)

That is when I saw why she acted the way she did and she saw why I acted the way I did, this taught me which buttons not to press and I can honestly say we had only one fight in the past 8 months because we know now WHY the other person gets mad and we can work through it …(Can you imagine if the personality doctor had told them that they weren’t suited?)

3) My husband and I fight a lot lately, almost about everything, but I realised that this is because we don't have make up sex anymore. He is suffering from a low libido and on the other side I am perfectly fine, so I never get enough sex. So I guess that's why I get so easily irritated….(read that again slowly and that logic is funnier the second time around)

4) I couldn't believe that yesterday my husband and I fought over NOTHING ! He went out with me and when WE came back together I was pissed at him, coz I thought he was gonna be tired and ignore me, as he was drunk.

The make up sex for that was FABULOUS. I've realised that if you need a GR8 SEX you must first check which mood you man is in, make sure that you cry on his shoulder and ask him how he can do this to you, after all you can not live without him. Make sure that you bath and go to bed FIRST, so that when he comes to the bedroom u'll be ready for him. BE CERTAIN NOT TO EXCEED YOUR LIMITATIONS, THOUGH.

(Love the bold)….really?

5) My boyfriend and I keep fighting everyday, I don't know maybe its because I am pregnant? (You cannot make this stuff up!

6) My wife and I we fight a lot especial when I need her or miss her now she told me that she does not have an interest in making love to me. (Wow that sucks…one word divorce that fat bitch!)

7) My husband and I never fight and I find it strange that we have been married for more than 5 years. Is it lack of passion in our relationship or are trying too hard not to tread on each others toes? (The odd couple?)

Glass houses

People with mental illnesses should take care not to get stressed out over the festive season, the SA Depression and Anxiety Group said.

The Christmas holidays could be stressful for anyone, the organisation said.

But for people with illnesses such as depression or bipolar disorder, it could lead to a worsening of symptoms.

"Remember that your health comes first and if crowds and huge get-togethers aren’t your thing, opt to go to the smaller gatherings instead," the organisation said.

If large gatherings were unavoidable, sufferers should always have an exit strategy.

Yes they should be made to sit in white rooms with no furniture and definately no christmas decorations or cheer...besides they just get in the way when you are trying to scurry about the shopping centres looking for last minute gifts anyway...

Have a merry Christmas...the Grinch