BrouHaHa

Nostradamus se po&s

2010-01-21T03:04:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 25, 2010 has been termed: ‘the most depressing day in history’, according to a UK psychologist – not Nosferatu or his blunt toothed cousin Nostradamus.So how did this genius, Luke Hirst, MD of debt experts Debtbusters, come up with this doomsday talk?

Well lets listen in shall we: ‘Last year this time we experienced the highest influx of consumers applying for Debt counselling ever recorded and this month even more are expected.’
‘It has been an extremely long time since most people have received their last pay-check. It is evident according to our increasing enquiries that the average South African consumer has been spending beyond their means’

The man has a partner in crime too, a Watson to his Sherlock if you like...UK psychologist Arnall, whose mathematical calculations show that depression hits us this coming Monday said: “Following the initial thrill of New Year's celebrations and changing over a new leaf, reality starts to sink in. The realization coincides with the dark clouds rolling in and the obligation to pay off Christmas credit card bills.”

Oh thank Goodness, Ganesh, Karbala or Einstein…add you favourite deity here…these chaps have some proof…an equation, an actual equation.

Wanna see?

The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ M x NA

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

And here I thought the worst day in history would be to find out that you were adopted, lost your job, dumped by your girlfriend, got hit by a bus and..again think of something worse than the weather...unless you are in England at the moment...sorry about that!

So a typical formula might look like so...

The model is: [Why + was x I even born} P x shoot me now

So when do they reckon is the best day of the year?

The model is: [L + (No-B)] x GS Isl x HG + LFC + SHK

(L) stands for winning the Lotto
No-B - Finding out that your one night stand is not pregnant
GS – Owning just under majority shares of Google, enough not to have to be involved in the Group's daily business.
Isl – Finding out that your long lost (what does that mean anyway?) great great grand pappie passed on to you an Island in the Caribbean that he owned.
HG – Finding out that your new hot girlfriend, Lauren has a twin sister and they are inseparable, doing everything together, everything!
LFC – Liverpool football club winning the Champions League, FA Cup and Premiership title all on the same day, let alone the same year, with the SHK – Sharks winning the Super 14 and Currie Cup.

Pimp that sh&t

2010-01-18T03:36:00.000-08:00

So I watched a screening of the Jonathan R(W)oss show on the weekend on BBC Prime.
He introduced a band to sign off his show, a young ginger girl named Florence…well her band name is Florence and the Machine, so I can only assume that her name is in fact Florence…a quick Google confirmed that.
Thanks to the power of the net, you can track 'similar' artists to those you have historically liked, to cater for your musical ears. And being the global community that it is, you can talk to others who share similar tastes for new music.
And this great find comes not a moment too soon as my music taste of late has gone 'retro'…which really just means that I have dragged out some old CDs from my collection ands started to repopulate them again, partly because I have been lazy, and also because there just doesn’t seem to be much good stuff about lately..cue RadioHead, Pixies and even some BeachBoys…

So it was with great enthusiasm that I boasted to Lauren on Sunday evening as she downloaded new music from I-tunes onto her laptop (she is good that way) that I had found a great new band…
"Oh that’s great my love," she winced. (Our musical tastes are like chalk and cheese, wine and vinegar…mine is the wine, hers is definitely vinegar) Of course I would say that, but honestly – Hip hop?
To Lauren's credit, I have actually started to like some of the more commercial stuff in that genre as result of her generosity to burn CD's for me to listen to in the car on the way to work. I am dope with that.
When a taxi cuts me off, I just turn up the volume to..Im'a gonna pop a cap in your ass' – and breath out as I mentally picture the carnage that would follow such an act… its really quite beautiful.
Lauren generally leaves my gift on the kitchen counter with a little 'I love you' note inscribed on the CD, but it got me thinking…Is this not just sugar-coating what is essentially a gherkin? Am I getting played? Is this a plot to take over my senses, flip my script?
I am of course only kidding; I am touched by her sentiment, and even more so to hear new sounds, besides if I start to dis her rap, there will be no more booty calling, do you catch my nut? That girlfriend will cash me out - I would be as much use as a Christmas cracker, dog.
My girl is fly, that’s the 411 on her, I am her pimp, and she is my erm ho? Not if I wanna share her crib with her tonite..or ever again.

My girl is sweat, dope and smokin - no amount of Benjamins could tell me otherwise!

Anyway, gotsta fly, I have a bathroom door that is in serious need of graffitti
Peace!

Sleep incompatibility

2010-01-14T02:40:00.000-08:00

So sleeping in separate rooms has become fashionable again!
And for one woman, it’s a case of changing one bed partner for another as she faces a lengthy jail term after stabbing and beating her husband because of his snoring.
The rude awakening, is taken to a whole new level in this case and our lady nutter can only hope that her in-mate isnt a 300 pound lesbian names Trixy! Top bunk anyone?

Research by the Sleep Council has found that half of us are regularly woken about six times a night by our partners, particularly if they snore or fidget. Oh well in that case, the snoring bastid deserved it!

It said that “sleep conflicts” often will result in relationship conflicts….Snoring, body heat, Cover tuggers, kicking, rolling, farting, bad moods, PMS, different taste in mattress texture are all valid excuses for men having to sleep in the pink themed spare room under the frilly duvet courteously provided by the mom-in law! Thanks er, I think.

Snoring is probably the main driver for this trend of couples sleeping apart. In some cases, it just plain and simply a health hazard to sleep together, just ask the little Filipino woman who is about 4'10" & 85 lbs, having been picked as an online mail order bride suitor for Eddy, the 450 lbs McDonalds loving porn surfing, sweaty yank!

Personally, there is nothing more comforting than falling asleep and waking up next to the one you love…until the biatch picks up a few kilos and starts to snore like a drunken trucker…LOL
Jokes aside though, spooning, fooling about whether late at night or first thing in the morning is a huge contributing factor towards a strong, healthy relationship!
It’s possibly the only time you can be intimate, alone and share secrets with each other, chat and generally bond. In fact its my favourite time with my partner, who sometimes sleep talks…which I find really cute, unless it involves me and the words 'effing prick' or some guy named Ryan and the words 'harder, faster, yes, yes, yes'.

Peace out - the sandman

Bright side of life +10…

2010-01-12T02:58:00.000-08:00

Affirmations are strong positive statements that help us reach a certain state of mind or develop a desirable quality.
They are worded as if the situation is already so, such as, "I am calm in the traffic", "I am a punctual person".
Affirmations replace the negative messages in your subconscious with positive ones.
Thoughts and words are extremely powerful, and play a big role in determining what we attract into our lives. I firmly believe this to be true…I have said it a thousand times…"I want a big penis, I want a big penis," and after much repetition, it came true, the same about having a beautiful girlfriend, "I want a beautiful girlfriend, with amazing breasts, and matching personality"…it came true.
Word of advise though, be careful not to set unrealistic goals like…"I want a mansion in the South of France with several sports cars in my horse shoe driveway and an open invitation to Hugh Hefner's mansion, and a majority shares in Google"…I have repeated these a thousand times, I have even taken up foreign languages to voice these desires, but to no avail. One has to be realistic, obviously.
Our thoughts become our reality.
Repeated regularly, they eventually become fact…unless you are this Japanese woman who drove home with the body of an 80-year-old pedestrian lodged in her windscreen.
"I am a good driver, I am a good driver" will not help in a situation that this 23-year-old driver found herself in, having struck the elderly woman before driving seven kilometers home with the victim's body wedged in the shattered windscreen.
She was charged with causing a traffic accident resulting in death and escaping after running over a person with a car.

Get into the habit of repeating your affirmations every day, in the shower, at the traffic lights or in the supermarket queue…you look stupid, but feel great inside…

Great Firewall of China - porn-spotting

2010-01-11T02:13:00.000-08:00

Here is a job worth doing… porn spotting; the far more attractive, outgoing and well liked cousin of train spotting.

A college student in China who said his studies suffered after he discovered Internet porn was awarded 1,466 dollars for helping the government crack down on sexual content online.
The student reported 32 websites that contained pornography, winning a nationwide contest that has encouraged web-surfers to hunt down porn – Well OK then, if you insist.

I would like to take this film a few reels back…Can you imagine the anguish of this student before deciding to come forward with this er problem, for lack of a better word, sitting eating chow mien, or roast dog or whatever, thinking…I wonder if I should tell people the real reason why I didn’t get into college?

"In the past, when I was in middle school, I used to get grades that were good enough to enter a really good university," the young man said.

"It is because of the influence of pornography on the Internet that I was only able to go to junior college," said the student.

Officials have offered rewards to Internet users who report pornographic websites. In the first month of the effort, nearly 62,000 websites were reported, an indication that a hefty number of web users were on the lookout for porn. LOL go figure…such brave souls these porn hunters…As Steve Erwin the original crocodile hunter once said: " "Crikey means gee whiz, wow! Where I live if someone gives you a hug it`s from the heart."

Chinese authorities arrested more than 5,000 people in a crackdown on Internet pornography in 2009, officials said earlier this year. China has at least 338 million online users.

Holiday no-NO!

2010-01-06T02:19:00.000-08:00

While on the beach at Balito Bay over the holidays, I saw a couple walk onto the sand to set up 'camp'. The wife and her kids had arrived first to set up brolly, put out the towels etc. In the process of setting up, the wind picked up just as her hubby arrived with his unbuttoned shirt and PT shorts, he screamed Blue Bull rugby supporter…

The brolly blew across the sand and he sprinted after it, cussing and shouting arms and legs all over the shop akin to a banshee.

He picked up the sun blocker, and then proceeded to march back to his family, looking like a member of the SS youth, eyes and stomach bulging…

He threw the umbrella onto the sand and began to shout and swear at his wife, who shrunk into her chair with embarrassment as a near full beach looked on in amusement and then disgust and embarrassment. The two young daughters also shrivelled up like week old roses, towels wrapped around their innocent and fragile frames, despite the near blistering conditions.

When he was done making a complete fool out of himself, they all sat in silence for about ten minutes before packing up and leaving again, a perfectly good day on the beach ruined by a temper. At one stage the hubby came up to his wife's face as if to head-butt her and spat out more profanity, before trying to resolve the situation by opening up a beer and sitting smugly on a deckchair.

At one satge, I thought someone might have to get up and intervene, try and talk sense to the man….who had clearly lost his senses.

Where is the protocol? Should someone interfere?

The guy might have had a really bad year lost his business and forced to spend more money on holiday…

Here is what a relationship expert says about what not to do when in an argument with your spouse!

- Don’t say “you” “You don’t love me anymore,” is sure to tick your partner off. You can’t speak for someone else, remember. Rather say, “I feel as though you don’t love me anymore.”
- Never say never (and always) Because it’s simply not true and it’s a sure fire way to unproductive arguing.
- Listen and don’t think of what you’ll be saying next
According to most couples’ counsellors, this is the underlying issue in most fights. Listen to your partner. Because really, how can you fight if you don’t even know what the other person is unhappy about?
- Know each other’s weaknesses and steer the hell clear of them
Remember, this is a person you love. Also, you’ll want to make up again sometime, and every time you hurt someone’s feelings maliciously, it breaks down a small part of the relationship.
- Accept your partner’s fighting style
If she always cries in a fight, don’t let it anger you. If he needs to walk around a lot, let him.
- Stay on topic
Don’t fight about everything at the same time. That way lies madness.
- Don’t be automatically defensive
Maybe it’s not you. And if you stay off your horse you might be able to help your partner.
- Don’t fight after drinks
It’s just not worth it.

Here are a few footnotes about fighting as expressed by the South African public….

1) The best thing about fighting is the make up sex! (a perfectly good reson)

2) My wife & I fought a lot in the beginning stages of our relationship until we went for a personality test? (A what?)

That is when I saw why she acted the way she did and she saw why I acted the way I did, this taught me which buttons not to press and I can honestly say we had only one fight in the past 8 months because we know now WHY the other person gets mad and we can work through it …(Can you imagine if the personality doctor had told them that they weren’t suited?)

3) My husband and I fight a lot lately, almost about everything, but I realised that this is because we don't have make up sex anymore. He is suffering from a low libido and on the other side I am perfectly fine, so I never get enough sex. So I guess that's why I get so easily irritated….(read that again slowly and that logic is funnier the second time around)

4) I couldn't believe that yesterday my husband and I fought over NOTHING ! He went out with me and when WE came back together I was pissed at him, coz I thought he was gonna be tired and ignore me, as he was drunk.

The make up sex for that was FABULOUS. I've realised that if you need a GR8 SEX you must first check which mood you man is in, make sure that you cry on his shoulder and ask him how he can do this to you, after all you can not live without him. Make sure that you bath and go to bed FIRST, so that when he comes to the bedroom u'll be ready for him. BE CERTAIN NOT TO EXCEED YOUR LIMITATIONS, THOUGH.

(Love the bold)….really?

5) My boyfriend and I keep fighting everyday, I don't know maybe its because I am pregnant? (You cannot make this stuff up!

6) My wife and I we fight a lot especial when I need her or miss her now she told me that she does not have an interest in making love to me. (Wow that sucks…one word divorce that fat bitch!)

7) My husband and I never fight and I find it strange that we have been married for more than 5 years. Is it lack of passion in our relationship or are trying too hard not to tread on each others toes? (The odd couple?)

Glass houses

2009-12-23T03:59:00.000-08:00

People with mental illnesses should take care not to get stressed out over the festive season, the SA Depression and Anxiety Group said.

The Christmas holidays could be stressful for anyone, the organisation said.

But for people with illnesses such as depression or bipolar disorder, it could lead to a worsening of symptoms.

"Remember that your health comes first and if crowds and huge get-togethers aren’t your thing, opt to go to the smaller gatherings instead," the organisation said.

If large gatherings were unavoidable, sufferers should always have an exit strategy.

Yes they should be made to sit in white rooms with no furniture and definately no christmas decorations or cheer...besides they just get in the way when you are trying to scurry about the shopping centres looking for last minute gifts anyway...

Have a merry Christmas...the Grinch

Stupid is as stupid does

2009-12-07T02:53:00.000-08:00

I watched an episode of Mr Bean recently – yes slapstick, cringe worthy entertainment of the highest order…and like the marmite love it or hate it phenomenon you either want to strangle the guy for the satisfaction of seeing those bulging eyes of his, well pop out of his oval shaped head, or you like him so much, like my grandfather did, that your false teeth fall onto the floor amid a coughing fit as you struggle to breath and saliva gets caught travelling down the wrong passage…general chaos ensues.

Beanmans afore mentioned episode sees the goofy looking fellow packing for a well deserved holiday…What exactly does Mr Bean do for a job anyway?

Basically he realises that he has a small suitcase and therefore makes various packing adjustments to ensure that the bare necessities aren’t left behind…he snaps a tooth brush in half squeezes out half the toothpaste - that sort of malarkey…he also cuts his chinos at the knees to turn them into knickerbockers before he realises that lying underneath he already owns a pair…yes mind the false teeth folks…

Anyways stupidity on that level you would think very difficult to find in the real world.

You would be WRONG!

I stumbled upon a list of holiday complaints – real- and cringe worthy, like Mr Bean in Church….or Borat and his fat hairy Russian friend wrestling nude and then running into the convention sentre in the hotel they are staying at! Or any Borat scene for that matter…stick a needle in my eye I cannot watch that stuff!

I decide to create a nutter rating out of 10 – being nuttier than Black Cat peanut butter!

Mr Bean 7

Borat 8

Britney Spears 6

Elton John 7

Hitler 10

Julius Malema 6

No1 on the list was a woman, who briefly after checking in, returned to the reception desk clutching a travel brochure. She pointed out that the bedspread in her room did not match the one in the brochure.

The receptionist pointed out that the hotel had recently been refurbished with all new accessories, however the woman was not satisfied until an old matching bedspread was found to replace the one in her room….nutter rating 6

2) A man took the time to write in and complain that no one had informed him that there were fish in the sea, and his children had been caught unaware and were now extremely frightened.

Nutter rating 6

3) A man on a safari honeymoon complained that the lodge overlooked a watering hole where elephants could often be spotted.

Apparently not, after one of the elephants became aroused, the man was left feeling inadequate for the rest of his holiday, ruining his honeymoon.

Nutter rating..Elton John me thinks 7

4) One couple sent a formal complaint to the airline stating that it was unacceptable that it took them nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England and it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

Nutter rating Mr Bean 7

5) A young woman left an unhappy comment upon leaving a beach resort claiming that all topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. Apparently her holiday was a complete waste because her husband spent all day looking at other women

Nutter rating 5

7) Staff at a well-known hotel thought it was odd that a woman never left her room, but they didn't interfere. Eventually the woman emerged and stormed to reception shouting that she was going to call the police - the irresponsible staff had locked her in her room and ruined her whole holiday! In reality, she had simply mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign for a warning to stay in the room.

Nutter rating 8

8) One couple were horrified to be placed in a double-bedroom instead of the twin-bedroom that they had booked. They now hold the hotel directly responsible for the fact that the woman is pregnant. Apparently it would never have happened if they had been put in the room that they had booked.

Nutter rating 6

Patri-not

2009-12-02T02:23:00.000-08:00

Eight years after a US-led invasion ousted the Taliban from power in Afghanistan (Really?) the war-ravaged state is the most dangerous place in the world for a child to be born, the United Nations said on Thursday….love it, the almighty UN is now just nothing more than a glorified research agency.

Methinks a name change is in order…No Brainier Institute of research (NBI), along with a tag line: Ineffective mediator…coming through ineffective mediator here.
It is especially dangerous for girls, the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) said (do ya think?), Barcelona football team would be embarrassed by that statement…its like saying Ronaldo is a fair player.
Afghanistan has the highest infant mortality rate in the world - 257 deaths per 1,000 live births – that is astounding.

"Afghanistan today is without a doubt the most dangerous place to be born," Daniel Toole (If the name suits), UNICEF regional director for South Asia said…USA! USA! Don’t forget to put a flag in the ground, beat your chests and declare a national holiday…good work and high fives all round.

Some 43% of the country is now virtually off-limits to aid agencies due to insecurity, according to Tool (I decided to drop the e)…and they say that this almighty US-led invasion ousted the Taliban from power in Afghanistan? Only 57% of it they did.

Some 317 schools in Afghanistan were attacked in the past year, killing 124 and wounding another 290, Tool said…USA! USA!…go on send Bette Midler over for Christmas to cheer up the lads, or perhaps Will Farrell to make lite of the situation, you know keep morale up and all that..Hank the Tank! Hank the Tank! "You all make so proud to be an American…that’s a riot…that’s a laugh riot!

Yes yes, I know that it isn’t the Americans who are attacking these schools, but it may as well be…

If it bleeds, we can kill it…Arni, now governor in the USA USA once said that.

"We have seen a drop in the number of children who are attending schools and particularly young girls," he added.

Without a doubt quote of the day!

"How was school today Ikky Ikky Achput? "It was ok, Mohammad who sits next to me in bomb making class got blown up while trying to fuse his ammonium nitrate bomb, I got an A for cluster bomb making, and Muna, Yasir and Hidi all got shot when they strayed too far from the playground.

"I was thinking that perhaps I might astay at home tomorrow, you know in case I get killed or something like that… Can I have some humus with that Pita bread?"

School enrolment in Afghanistan had risen to 5 million, including 2 million girls, against 1 million with virtually no girls in 2001 when the Taliban were ousted from power, he said.

USA!USA! From being a patriotic myth, the Russian people have become an awful reality. Leon Trotsky said that…

As I write this blog the headline on the Beeb wesite: President Barack Obama orders 30,000 more US soldiers to Afghanistan but also spells out an exit strategy.

Ooh-rah –used by the marines as greeting or as an expression of enthusiasm – how about bollocks!

Repeat after me, This is my rifle, There are many like it, but this one is mine, without my rifle I am nothing, without me, my rifle is nothing…

more...

2009-12-01T03:34:00.000-08:00

Daniel Day Lewis in most of his Films...Gangs of New York comes to mind
As does Little Bill Daggett, played by Gene Hackman in Unforgiven
Hitman Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) in No Country for Old Men was intense
The dude from Zodiac was also in the same vein as Bardem, but of course we never got to find out who he was...his tying up of that couple by the lake and then stabbing them was the work of a sick heinous man.

And the winner is?

2009-12-01T03:24:00.000-08:00

I watched Rob Roy the other night. It was the first time I had been able to watch the film from start to finish as previous attempts had really put me off.

Why? Well that character played by Tim Roth was nothing short of repulsive, the whole raping incident, and pompous British attitude…no offence to the Brits of today (I loved my time there and there is the small matter of my God child being very British thanks to her, well very British, but lovely super mummy), but back when they were trying to take over the world…South Africa included…but only much later…they were horrible arrogant creatures…

The movie has some memorable quotes, the highlight of which comes from this most despicable of characters…Archibald Cunningham…need I say more?

Duke of Argyll: So, Mr. Cunningham, what are these principle sins that distress your mother? Dice? Drink? Or are you a buggerer of boys?
Archibald Cunningham: It is years, Your Grace, since I buggered a boy... And in my own defense, I must add, I thought him a girl at the moment of entry.

Archibald Cunningham: Love is a dung hill, Betty, and I am but a cock that climbs upon it to crow.

It did make me question who the most despised characters in the history of Film making were?

I don’t mean the cool bad guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger in original Terminator, or The kurgin in Highlander, or Agent A Smith from the Matrix, or Darth Vader and Hannibal Lecter but, a character that makes your skin crawl, that does such a brilliant job of making you hate him…

Amon Goeth played by Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List is right up there.

And A - Alex - Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange, weren’t they horrible things…

Annie Wilkes, played by Kathy Bates in Stephen Kings' Misery was a complete nutter.

That little grease ball in Pretty Woman was a real little piece of work too.

Tommy DeVito - Joe Pesci in Goodfellas and also in Casino
Gunnery Sergeant Hartmanin Full Metal Jacket

Sitting on the fence is - John 'Jack' Daniel Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson in the Shining, thanks to his performance it ranks as my best horror.

Any others you can think of?

I can recall…

2009-11-27T02:10:00.000-08:00

I saw a photo of my toddling God daughter with a mobile phone attached to her ear the other day, she looked so cute, so grown up. It got me thinking, what stories would uncle Gareth be telling little Isobel one day when she is a little older? What pearls of wisdom might I be able to shed on this budding princess?

I can recall my dad recounting days of nothing but hardship… stories of being so poor that he had to nail leather studs into his football boots before a trial match to represent his province, which he dually did, the smug bastard…. "Its not the tools Gareth…" - I can still hear those words ringing in my ears…

A regular Sunday barbeque on my uncle's farm would always have the men standing over the fire like zombies, the elderly statesmen recounting tales Of guess what? hardship, that’s right…"I was so poor that I walked ten miles to school each day, bare foot, and with my two younger sisters on my back…it was uphill both ways…

Some unfortunate relative would always end up with tears in his eyes, served him right for standing in the path of the billowing smoke….idiot!

My uncle would say: "We couldn't afford land, so we stayed in a tin can, at the bottom of the river…it was wet and cold," no shit.

My dad would say that when he got his first car, he couldn’t afford petrol, so he used to go round to all the petrol stations and empty out the petrol that was left in the pipes…"They all knew me, in my sky blue ford Anglia" he would say.

And then for fun, he would take my mo out for a drive on a Friday night and then find a spot on the side of the road, to watch the cars go buy as a form of entertainment….Nothing was too good for my mom…

Good times no-doubt.

Well you see young Isobel, when uncle Gareth was younger, we had to run to get the telephone, and sometimes we missed it cause we were outside, and the telephones was attached to a plug and well it was a nuisance.

When I was at university, we used to have to wait 15 minutes to download an image of a topless woman…we just didn’t know quite what else the internet was for in those days, it was way before Google, you are so lucky you have Google…

And Facebook? We didn’t dream of such easy ways to chat with our friends Isobel, we had to ride to our friend's house on our bicycles if we wanted to speak to them, sometimes we got a puncture and we would have to push our bikes home…but those were the times we learnt about character…Sometimes it even rained…in fact we were so poor that we were made in China.

Sometimes we would go for family walks cause we couldn’t afford a car…my sister would pick up a rock and my mom would snap.."put that down And (we couldn’t afford the y at the end of her name) we cant afford that."

When I was growing up we couldn’t afford pearls, or their wisdom, I thought nietzsche was a type of orange (Thanks Google), Marx I thought came in the middle of 'on your' and 'get set' before a running race, and Plato I thought was a planet.

So hear is something I stole…

Anthemgate – recall the flourbomb

2009-11-17T02:36:00.000-08:00

It had to be the most bizarre start to a rugby test match I have ever seen, well certainly since the infamous Flour Bomb Test in New Zealand during the Apartheid years in 1981 when some nutter flew a light aircraft over Eden Park during the third and decisive test match between South Africa and New Zealand dropping flour bombs on the field throughout the game, even landing to refuel.
The afore mentioned nutter even managed to fell Kiwi prop forward Gary Knight – good night if you like.
Lets be honest though, how accurate are you going to be trying to fly a plane solo while dropping flour bombs from several hundred feet?
March on approximately 28 years and some Rasta idiot Dumisani Ras, absolutely butchered the national anthem before the 20-13 Test match defeat to France, on Friday, and then even had the temerity and voice to say he thought he had "sung beautifully". The bloke ensconced in dreadlocks and his 'drummer' band, well just a drummer actually had clearly been smoking as per his religious ja duties compel him to do…sure Rasta man its hard life? 'Ja' my bru.
He screamed, shouted, added new words, forgot others, sang out of tune while confusion turned to bemusement and finally anger as the 'singer' went from bad to worse. It was like watching an audtion for one of those reality shows....

Questions came flooding in after the event…where did we get this cockroach, this nunu to sing our anthem?
The key was to make sure he could sing…turns out he couldn’t and another biggie was to ensure that he knew the words to an anthem that is sung in four different languages…again he couldn’t!

The pre test tests didn’t stop there… Former French captain Olivier Pelous led some goofy looking kid onto the field to kick a rugby ball on the half way line in commiseration of a French official who had passed away during the week. Cue the fat goofy kid…who proceeded to mis-kick the ball and fall very ungracefully and in the process injure himself. He just lay on the pitch and began to cry much to the embarrassment of Pelous who had to help the hobbling bawling brat off the field.

And then to add insult to injury, it was later revealed that the South African flag was positioned upside-down during the game…Appalling. Surely as a person who has the task of raising the flags should ask just one question and one question only? Is this the right way? LOL
Now I am no genius…not of the Forrest Gump proportions, but surely there is something wrong with a country that has such a complex flag and anthem…but that’s a whole other political debate…
As my math teacher in Standard eight used to say…keep it simple stupid…I am not sure if he was referring to equations or to my constant inability to grasp the subject…

In naval terms an upside-down flag has been used as distress signals in the past, which in the end was the irony of the entire evening, and I fear sometimes in SA, is a sign of the times…

It did make me wonder how Rasta man could be punished for such a heinous act? My immediate thought was to make him the rugby ball for the game…having seen the faces of some of the Springbok players; I bet they would have loved to kick the Rasta out of him. A muppet? Ja

A different world

2009-11-12T03:39:00.000-08:00

The heavyweight of all arguments….no not Brittany vs Paris Hilton on Twitter, but rather God vs Darwin, evolution vs religion has resurfaced quite a bit lately…

It got me thinking how far we have come as human beans from the fire obsessed, unwashed, unkept, cave dwelling, beard loving, from behind shagging, animal skins wearing, abacus using, ok that came a bit later, to the current Google worshipping, moon landing, high rise building, I-pod using, gun wielding, raw fish eating sods that currently roam the city landscapes.

I want to get back to the doggy style shagging part…only because I want to illustrate how much we have also changed physically from our ape-like ancestors, to say Bill Gates.

I wonder what physical traits we are likely to see in man in future centuries…

For South Africans, to combat crime I would suggest that our children's children's children might be born resembling a rhino on two legs, well armoured to combat hijackings and various other violent crime that plagues this beautiful country…perhaps no necks too so as not to have that part of our body vulnerable?

And maybe Italians in the future will be born with pointy leather shoes for feet, while Americans will be born with slightly smaller mouths to curb their volume and arrogance? Lets hope so.

I would suggest that the English be born with tea-cup shaped bottom lips and an ability to withstand tremendous heat so that they can forego the whole pick up tea-cup and drink process, and just pop the bag into their mouth, pour the hot water and drink!

Dubai arabs might be made out of brick and steel, depending what side of the oasis you live and that way they can just use their offspring to make buildings and other industry...

Perhaps the Swiss would be made out of cheese, that grows back if you take a bite obviously…I would like to see that happen, neutral? My arse especially when some stranger comes up and takes a bite out of it, or decides to get all artistic with his Swiss army knife…

Any other suggestions?

Gucci cheese couture

2009-11-10T04:00:00.001-08:00

Apparently - middle-class shoppers in the UK have been struggling to ride out the recession and have therefore turned to stealing hundreds of millions of pounds of expensive food in an effort to maintain their high standard of living.

Thieving includes items like quality cuts of meat, fresh fish and high-priced cheeses by mostly middle-class women from speciality food and convenience shops, where thefts have risen sharply in the past year.

As the saying goes: put a herring in your bag and you will have luck for a thousand years…well ok there isnt such a saying, but I would like to see a well dressed middle-class woman stealing a fish from a speciality food shop…dressed in Armani and wearing very oversised Prada sunnies…"My good man, would you be ever so kind as to wrap up a cod for me please…actually I will have the bluefin tuna and extra wrapping if you would be so kind as I wouldn’t want the smell to riun my very expensive Gucci bag…theres a good chap." Toodleoo I am off…

Thousands of retailers have found that luxury foods are being stolen for individual use rather than to be sold on.

Research found that shoplifting in Britain has increased in the past year by nearly 20 per cent to almost £5 billion, £750 million more than in 2008.

Clothing and fashion accessory shops were hardest hit, with branded designer goods high on thieves’ shopping lists, closely followed by DIY stores….DIY?

I cannot afford to pay for my Porshe, but the wall in the bathroom looks ghastly…perhaps a splash of 'chocolate muffin brown will do the trick. I will set a reminder on my I-phone to run down the DIY later to shoplift a 25 litre can of paint."

Neil Matthews, a spokesperson for the research said: "We are seeing more instances of amateur thieves stealing goods for their own personal use rather than to sell on than before,” he said.

“This is epitomised in the recent uprising of the middle-class shoplifter, someone who has turned to theft to sustain their standard of living. I suppose people want to carry on with their lifestyle but cannot afford the expensive cheeses, fresh cuts of meat or nice fish that they used to be able to afford and now they just take it."

I say you there with the white apron and funny hat, I would like to try some of your Podolico: (The World's Most Expensive Cheese. Pound for pound, it costs almost as much as silver,. The cheese is so expensive because it is so rare. Podolico cattle only provide milk in May and June) Just a little more, say a kilo….there's a good chap! Oh would you be a dear and point out the alcohol counter, I do fancy a quaff of Moet…darling…Ciao

Brokeback mobile texting

2009-11-05T02:28:00.000-08:00

So apparently Men have become so openly affectionate with each other using mobile technology they've taken to signing off text messages to male friends with a kiss (x), giving rise to a new generation dubbed "Metrotextuals".

Whaaaaat?…no no no never….

"Howzit Gareth…wannacome over for a braai, get hammered, and watch the Rugby later? Xxx John" - SEND

"Hey John…don’t ever contact me again …get fucked…thanks…Gareth" SEND SEND SEND!!!!

I have never accepted that word, Metrotextual - therefore I will not tolerate its ethos, no matter how innocent…including x x x to my china plates.

Yes, just like Julius Malema and the word hermaphrodite, or lack thereof in his home language of Phedi, I am sticking my head in the sand on this one. Its just not done…like kissing your mates ex-girlfriend, or using his shaving kit.

Its not like girls who can share just about anything with each other, clothes, make-up kisses over text…men have codes that need to be upheld…man er codes if you like.

I still cant even bring myself to watch BrokeBack Mountain for goodness sakes…Look what happens when you have two mates sitting round a campfire next to a brook with beautiful horses in the background…

New research reveals nearly a quarter of men (22%) regularly include a kiss on texts to their male mates.
"Metrotextuality" is most widespread among 18-24 year old males with three quarters (75%) regularly sealing texts with a kiss and 48% admitting that the practice has become commonplace amongst their group of friends.

What is the world coming too? I have seen men acting all feminine in the past and generally they have been surrounded by good looking girls…perhaps the ladies feel less intimidated around these guys who aren’t picturing them naked or drooling into their beers…staring at their cleavage. I actually used to think that the metrosexual types were quite clever, wearing thousand rand t-shirts, smelling better than girls and with more hair products than the Jackson five, therefore standing a better chance than the beer spilling non blinking pervert in the corner..

Nearly a quarter of this age group (23%) even appreciate an "x" in a text exchange from people that aren't close friends….I was obviously very wrong.
But it's not just younger men that have become Metrotextuals - one in 10 men over 55 often completes a text to another male with a kiss, according to the poll…This is like swine flu….its very catchy.
The research also revealed there's a certain etiquette within metrotextuality – why not just keep it too a secret handshake?

A lower case "x' is the preferred sign-off for most (52%) compared to 17% for a bolder upper case X), with one in three sharing the love in a big way with multiple lower case kisses (xxx)….I will say it again….SECRET HANDSHAKE!

Clinical psychologist, Ron Bracey, said that men have traditionally been reluctant to share their emotions with friends and tended to keep their feelings bottled up.

Amen…don’t say another word…Ron!

"However, (noooo why Ron why?) the advent of mobile phones and social media means more communication is done non-verbally, and through this it seems men can more easily share their feelings with others - especially their male friends," Bracey said in the statement.

Confirmed Metrotextual Nick Kirkham, aged 25, who works in insurance, said he and his friends have been sending kisses to each other for years…confirmed? Like an alcoholic? Hi I am Nick and I have been a metrosexual for six years now…Nick also has a lisp can he say metrosexual with a lithsp? Metro…that’s easy..thexsual…well done Nick, now go and fetch me a beer, and don’t even think about taking your phone with you!

"In fact, apart from my boss or a work client, there's no one I wouldn't send a kiss on text to," he said….How about Stone Cold Steve Austin? Or Chuck Norris? Yeah I thought so shud up!

There is something just not quite right about sending your mate a x/kiss via text…you wouldn’t kiss him when you meet up for drinks, unless you were hammered and South Africa just won the World Cup football final against England, or the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand, against the All Blacks…a quick peck on the cheek just because he happened to be the nearest person to you might, might be acceptable, and even then might attract funny looks from the rest of the group, or troop or herd LOL.

I just don’t spend all that much time in the mirror, doing my hair, or culling my pubic hairs in some artistic shape, like those hedge designers…I will not pay a grand for a t-shirt and my hair falls flat when I run my fingers through it…

Am I alone on this one, like a cuppa coffee in the Sahara?

Whistle while you wee-wee

2009-10-29T03:10:00.000-07:00

I have been told that I have a nice….er whistle!
I recently found myself whistling a merry tune….and it got me thinking….which immediately raised my eyebrows, as I moved the tune to a higher note…as if to raise a question! Apparently raising ones eyebrows helps one to stay on pitch and in tune?

People who say that whistling is not an art are dillusional - the whistle range start at a high "E" above a high "C"? Its called the Whistle Register and most people cannot achieve that.

I wonder how many times I have come up with an award winning tune and didn’t even know it, whistling the next broadway winner or operatic genius while fixing a broken chain on my bike, or standing in the shower?
It also got me thinking…what is the most whistled tune in the world ever? Monty Pythons - 'Bright side of life'? The spaghetti western classic….the one when Clint stares his opponents down as he rides into town!
The wolf whistle – made very popular by Italians? Is that even a tune though? I would suggest it is!
Christmas Carols also provide ammunition for bourgeoning whistlers…
What tune do I whistle the most? 'Wow' - he says with a long drawn out whistle! I will get back to you on that one!

I know whistling can be annoying especially when the person is unaware they are actually doing it when performing a mindless task which then translates into a tuneless whistle – generally referred to as a pucker whistle, the most common form of whistling used in most Western music.
But, and this is a big But, it can also be very beautiful…

It brings me to my current most annoying thing…men (cant speak for woman – so perhaps there a few tales they might like to share?)
There are men who moan at the urinal and on the loo. Why do men moan or sigh when they aim at the urinal? It is disgusting and there is no need for it - ever!
Even worse are those men who just about sound like they are on their last legs when taking a number 2? Why? Its not like giving birth so does not require sound effects!

And a note to anyone whistling while at the urinals…never ever whistle the wolf tune!

Hear about the clown who had Coulrophobia?

2009-10-23T04:31:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has a phobia of clowns, its called Coulrophobia ….It stems back from a painting of a clown he had hanging on his bedroom wall, above his bed when he was growing up. The Clown wasn’t smiling and there is something very sinister about a clown who has nothing to smile about…
The word clown comes from words meaning "clot" or "clod" which came also to mean "clumsy fellow".
There is a saying that humour mostly has a victim but when its not funny the only victim is the comedian? Is that why clowns wear funny noses and big shoes? Plan B anyone!
"I know can you guess whats in my pocket"? Er no thanks Bozo I would rather not…can you keep it tidy please there are kids about you know?

I think my friend has a point…sometimes there is just something, well not quite right about a man who dresses up in strange goofy attire, wears huge shoes, dons a red nose and calls himself an entertainer of children… Oh and also, why are there so few woman clowns? clownettes?

According to some phobia studies, an estimated 20 to 30% of the entire population find clowns scary, or at least a little unsettling.
A common theory as to why a number of people find clowns scary involves a connection between the presence of clowns and a personal trauma suffered during early childhood. For a young child, a circus can create a sensory overload with all of its unusual sights, sounds and smells. Heavy makeup, colourful costumes and over sized er shoes? Can become very unnerving to a child.

There is also the concept of what role clowns play in society. According to the established "rules," children have the right to behave as children and adults have the responsibility to act like adults. Some people find clowns scary because they are permitted, even encouraged, to become adults acting like children.
Subconscious fears of molestation by a masked or disguised attacker may be one reason some people find clowns scary.
Clowns are often portrayed as emotionally unstable or even psychotic in many forms of media. The idea of a "killer clown" has been used in horror films and novels for decades.

There are actual treatment centres, which specialize in treating coulrophobia and other unusual social phobias.
So what does treatment usually involve? Group sessions of call and response? "Hi everyone my name is Gareth and I am terrified of clowns"…"Hi Gareth." "Ive been clown free for seven years now...Its been that long since my last visit to the circus." "Yay, well done" loud clapping ensues...."Not too loud everyone" - the shrink - "we dont want to take him to that dark place again..."

The session could involve the group beating on some bloke wearing a clown costume…lets call him…an actor, Jerry…"Thanks for your time Jerry, sorry about the nose bleed…remember you saved lives here today…you are a good man Jerry!"

As someone once said: "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Thanks folks I am here all week!

Heavenly send off

2009-10-21T04:28:00.000-07:00

What is that saying about two certainties…death and taxes....Or Death is the surest calculation that can be made?
Morbid you may say for a midweek conversation, however in Australia they are changing their tune about death…the funeral tune that is.
It appears in Australia, friends and family are hell bent on a good old musical send off for the dearly departed…

Apparently Highway to Hell, with lyrics including "Going down, party time", is among a number rock classics, including Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, that are replacing traditional hymns in Adelaide.
Funeral managers at Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the city, said only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: Amazing Grace and Abide With Me.
Leading the funeral chart is crooner Frank Sinatra's classic hit My Way followed by Louis Armstrong's version of Wonderful World.
The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC anthems rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns.
"Some of the more unusual songs we hear actually work very well within the service because they represent the person's character," Centennial Park chief executive Bryan Elliott said.
Among other less conventional choices were Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Monty Python, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead from the Wizard of Oz, Hit the Road Jack, Another One Bites the Dust by Queen and I'll Sleep When I'm Dead.

I am a big Pixies fan so no helleluyas for me, I would request "This monkeys gone to Heaven" when I decide to kick the bucket, or when someone decides to go ahead and kick it for me!

I think Winston Churchill got it just about right: "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain
Amen, or something like that…choose your own variation in the spirit of life!

The Voice of celebrity!

2009-10-20T04:58:00.000-07:00

I can hear the man, who many refer to as “the voice” of nature documentaries Sir David Attenborough: "Ah what do we have here? Its the very 'Common Paris Hilton', best known for its socialising, and promiscuous behaviour. A very docile creature that spends a lot of time on its back, mating. The Common Paris, as it is also known, is a nocturnal creature with distinct markings, a fake tan.
The world has finally bowed down to the celebrity…they are worshipped on Twitter, Facebook and the like by millions of people, and all other social media sites on an unparalleled level. Governments are lucky to get 30% voting turnouts, but these sites are inundated with people who want to know what Brittany Spears had for breakfast, or what Justin Timberlake thinks about football's offside rule.
Data from Compete.com to compare various social sites traffic found that Facebook has a growth of more than 200 percent in average unique monthly visitors. (Facebook itself releases data on the number of active users, which it estimates at 300 million, which, if it were a country, would be the world's fourth largest.)
Twitter was next 23.5 million, but with exponential growth of 660 percent. LinkedIn clocked in last at 15 million, and a still-respectable 85 percent growth rate.
Millions of people go online every second to celebrity worship. In fact a recent survey in the UK asked young kids what they wanted to be when they grew up? A spaceman? A cowboy? A firefighter? A politician? A lawyer? David Hasselhoff? Just kidding. Nope none of those…85% said they wanted to be a celebrity! The rest wanted to be in a band…
What does it mean to be a celebrity? Paris lives off the fame and coat tails of her dad the Hilton Hotel magnate, while Jade Goodey (RIP) proved that any Joe Bloggs off the street could become a celebrity too if you were a big enough and entertaining idiot.
The reality TV show is a chance for average Joe to get his or her five minutes of fame, to do something so outrageous so as to make their fame last longer….
There are plenty of other ways now to thanks to the Internet and social media….Youtube postings, viral media etc…
And of course celebrities fight whitened tooth and fake nail to stay on top of the pile and remain in the minds of the hungry masses, hence we know via twitter that Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas has a piece of dried appricott stuck in her teeth after eating her breakfast, and that Ashton Kutcher likes to lick Demi Moores left nipple!
Why else would celebrities name their offspring Moon Unit, Dweezle (Thanks Frank Zappa, er dad) or Apple? Its to get attention silly, and to give their children a head start in the world of celebrity!
My advice to kids is get a real job, you will not have the emptiness that these stars have when they reach the end of their sell by date! It may not be champers at the click of a finger, but your moral fibre will enrich you everyday and you will feel blessed for it!
Can you diggit?

Having my bread and cake

2009-10-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

So one of the funniest things I ever heard was listen to George W Bush foul up a famous quote by a previous president good old Abe Lincoln, who said: "You can fool some of the people all the time and you can fool all of the people some of the time but will never able to fool all the people all the time.
"You can fool, all of the people, some…" Bush began, before stopping for a brief pause, and starting again… "You can fool some of the people all the time and you can fool some of the people all of the time but will never able to fool some of the people all the time," he said pausing again to realize his mistakes, before deciding to call it a day and move on!

One of the quotes I have always thought to be a classic and have used to great effect, is: "Let them eat cake". - Marie Antoinette. In fact, she actually said "Let them eat bread", apparently.

However, why ruin a good thing,I am going to pretend that she muttered the former under her breath anyway, to be heard by her muse or foot attendatnt, or cat minder or whoever it was that was closest to her and thus became famous, although perhaps not altogether official.

That’s sorted then! Well not really… Some sad individual is hell bent on having his cake and eating it on this matter, and even eating mine in the process…

If they have no bread, let them eat cake….
("S'ils n'ont plus de pain, qu'ils mangent de la brioche.")

Apparently brioche is not cake, it's a kind of fancy bread, and it wasn't Marie Antoinette who said this, according to some bent nosed twat.
It was actually a quote from Jean-Jacques Rousseau's autobiography, Confessions, in which he wrote: "At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who, on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then let them eat brioche!"

Rousseau doesn't name the "princess", and Marie Antoinette didn't arrive at Versailles until 1770, three years after Rousseau had written the above passage. So if there ever actually was a "great princess" who said this, it could not have been Marie then, apparently…said who? LOL

Rodney Dangerfield once said: I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Cars and girls? no just cars

2009-10-15T03:52:00.001-07:00

One would think that our ministers and cabinet leaders were all due to appear on Top Gear what with their love of cars.
I am in shock over the lack of accountability in this country. Yes we can all argue that all coutries have corrupt politicians, but the difference between those countries and South Africa is that in other countries ministers who are found to be corrupt are weeded out and are held accountable and made examples of.
Not our ministers, however. Oh no. They are celebrated as cadres, or freedom fighters, ANC stalwarts. More importantly, by not having any action taken against them, it leaves them believing that they are untouchable and that is a most dangerous psyche. We all endured the "Blue Light" syndrome over the past few years, with some innocent South African citizens paying with their lives for this act of pure arrogance.

Cars, cars, cars...

KwaZulu-Natal economic development and tourism MEC Mike Mabuyakhulu, according to a Durban newspaper, received an average of R100 000 a month for using his private car for government work.
The paper reported that Mabuyakhulu submitted a bill of R383 618.07 in four months from May to August this year for using his Range Rover.
Mabuyakhulu seems to be part of a list of untouchables which has grown at a ridiculous rate. Here are a few others who come to mind.
Education ministers. This perhaps reveals why our education system is so rotten.
Angie Motshekga - head of basic education. In 2004, the then Gauteng education minister, was fingered for benefiting financially from the trust that she helped to land a stake in the lucrative provincial pension payout contract. There was also proof that the trust did not benefit only from the pension deal, but that it also applied for direct government funding when Motshekga was minister of the Gauteng department of social development and received R750 000 as she vacated that portfolio.
Blade Nzimande - higher education. We all know about his R1.1m luxury vehicle, but he added that he was still a communist and committed to the working class. He said that as an education minister he needed a bigger boot to put his papers in when he took them home to mark them.
Transport Minister Sibusiso Ndebele earlier this year accepted an R1.1m Mercedes Benz S500 from a group of contractors with contracts worth more than R400m in the department.
Perhaps he deserves it after all; he is doing a great job. Well, no, actually BRT is a joke with some of it only being completed after the WC2010. Have you seen the state of our roads and public transport system? A clapped out 1974 yellow Toyota bakkie would be more fitting for our comrade!
On the topic of cars, it recently emerged that Health Minister Aaron Motsoaledi was in the process of buying two Mercedes-Benzes for R1.2m.

Accountability
OK so we have established that our ministers like to drive nice cars. Let's get back to accountability.
Mr Cheune, out ASA chief is the most recent and blinding case of a lack of accountability. I don't want to dwell on this as it has been debated to death, and it finally looks as though he may still have to go following the sponsorship debacle, I wouldn't bet on it. I read somewhere that he drives a Range Rover just in case you were wondering.
Also in the running are Transnet Freight Rail CEO Siyabonga Gama, Eskom CEO Jacob Maroga who recently received a 26.7% salary increase, and SABC's former chief exec Dali Mpofu who received a R11.6m golden handshake. For what? Well you would have to be a fly on the wall in a board meeting to know, but then if I were a fly on the wall, I would far rather be in attendance at the recent Athletics board meeting.
We also have the ongoing corruption trial of Jackie Selebi, who has finally been brought to book, although we may yet see him feature somewhere down the line. Think Mo, or is it Shabir Shaik?
The list goes on, so feel free to add to it below.

Reviving the tache

2009-10-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Apparently sporting a moustache may improve your chances of landing a higher paying job, according to a study commissioned by financial services provider Quicken and the American Moustache Institute which admittedly represents people opting for facial hair…it admits to that? Ha ha
The study found that moustached Americans earned 8.2% more on average than those with beards and 4.3% more than the clean shaven.
The world is indeed a strange place… when I think of the most famous beardy/tache man about, Magnum did a pretty good job in keeping the flame burning, not to close to his face mind… Higgins was a pretty astute tache wearer too. Hitler, Chaplin, Many military personnel, Ghandi, Cowboys, and Dali have all worn a tache with distinction…

Here are some hints and tips and styles you may consider…er ladys can play to if you are able…although I would not be disapointed if you politely declined…
Fu Manchu – long, downward pointing ends, generally beyond the chin;
Handlebar – bushy, with small upward pointing ends. See baseball pitcher Rollie Fingers. Also known as a "spaghetti moustache", because of its stereotypical association with Italian men.
Horseshoe – Often confused with the Fu Manchu style, the horseshoe was possibly popularized by modern cowboys and consists of a full moustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips down to the jawline and resembling an upside-down horseshoe. Also known as biker moustache.
Pencil moustache – narrow, straight and thin like a pencil, closely clipped, outlining the upper lip, with a wide shaven gap between the nose and moustache. Also known as a Mouthbrow, worn by John Waters.
Chevron - thick and wide, usually covering the top of the upper lip. NASCAR driver Richard Petty wears a narrow Chevron.
Toothbrush – thick, but shaved except for about an inch (2.5 cm) in the center; associated with Adolf Hitler, Charlie Chaplin, Oliver Hardy, and Robert Mugabe. Also known as a sole stash or a Hitler stash.
Walrus – bushy, hanging down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.

Should you find that you wear a tache well, or have a natural talent for it, perhaps the World Beard and Moustache Championships is something you might want to enter..prizes include: the use of a Harley Davidson bike for one day.
Free membership to the Tom Selleck fan club
A porn video (not out on Disk) starring your favourite 70s actor
A mug with your most iconic tach wearer printed on and the word tachelicious underneath
And a free pass from Interpol to go through any major airport cause lets face it it, you probably look like a dodgy phucker.

It is advised that the goatie is not considered a beard, nor a tache, so avoid it at all costs…it looks silly...always, never an exception, unless you want to be ridiculed behind your back…like ginger people.

The Internet rainbow

2009-10-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, the 90's actually, I can remember sitting at my desk at school on a hot summer afternoon, picking old chewing gum off my seat and scratching the results of someone's picked nose off the table top with my blue shatterproof chewable ruler, bored out of my wits, wondering when the time would come that we could magically know the answer to anything…
Well that time is here, but some of the answers have been, well odd to say the least and, even disturbing…If you go down to the woods today your are in for a farking BIG SURPRISE…

The Internet is the new all Seeing Eye, all? Really? So it has a beginning, but not and end then? Surely not? And where does it end? I hope it doesn’t end with… Boytaurs!

Before I contine please let it be known that I found this by complete accident and believe it to be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen, ever…yes worse than the time that I saw a bergie/boemalaar take a caramel coloured dump against a wall of a bottle store in Cape Town in broad daylight, by lifting her leg and hooiking up her skirt….

Boytaurs are the end result of Photoshop. They're like centaurs, but rather than having a horses backside, they have an extra set of human legs….go on google it if you dare…
I can only presume that some sick twisted individual overdosed, died, went to some strange place and then fell on an electrical wire to revive him…there is no other explanation.

Other places in the cyber world I try and avoid are sci fi crazies, porn loonies (well mostly) , and religious freaks…

Some sites are crazier than a snakes armpit, but are generally harmless. Take Men's Long Hair Hyperboard as an example: It’s a place for men to discuss growing, washing, brushing, and wearing long, luxurious locks. Many of the posts take on a defiant tone and mention things like "fighting the good fight," which, we assume, means not getting a haircut.

Here is a brief expert of the plight of a poor longhaired soul…

Hello all,
I have a big problem. My hair look shiny and pretty healthy but... when I touch it , it feel dramatically DRY ! Especially on the end.
I have tried many things but didn't work...
Here is my routine:
Gently brushing my hair before washing it -> baby shampoo (that mustn't be hard with hair right?) -> a lot of conditioner -> cold rinse -> towel dry a bit -> hair dry.
Once dry I put a small amount of olive oil in my hair and I gently finger comb and brush my hair gently.
You who have soft hair please help me…. unhappy face…LOL

Oh and to answer the original question…I do not know where the Internet superhighway begins or ends… A Google search on how many sites on the internet? Netcraft put the total of sites on the net at 182 million in 2008, but this is no place to be conservative…I got 120,000,000 pages all claiming to provide the answer alone…
Hell Paris Hilton can be seen on 46,400,000 million pages, Obama features on 79,500,000 pages, and the topic of news fetches 2,610,000,000 results, but I will keep in mind that there is a difference between web pages and a web site!

I suspect that waiting at the end of the Internet rainbow would not be some little leprechaun with a pot of gold…well no ordinary leprechaun anyway, he might have four legs, long hair, rant on about his deity, and be a Trekkie, but I would still like to think that he might just say 'top of da morning too ya' and 'tirty tree and a turd'…I am not ready for the other stuff just yet!

Have a nice weekend and be careful how you go…

Seven minute abs

2009-10-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

So apparently the shower radio has emerged as the worst household gadget of all time. The survey was conducted among 3000 women. Having used one in a shower at shared house during my time in the UK (it belonged to one of my housemates), I can go along with that, as it often let in water, swamping the batteries, it was impossible to pick up reception, and the quality of sound prevented any real appreciation for it, over and above the water noise.
Second in the survey came battery-powered candles, while the electric nail file was third. Wow those sound like a horror show…thankfully I have never come in contact with either.
Next on the list is the SodaStream fizzy drink maker …now I have some objections here. When I was a kid it was so much fun playing with the soda stream maker, using different flavours, over gassing etc… The survey found the greatest household gadget to be the television. Eight out of 10 women said they could not live without it. In the best gadgets list, the microwave was second and the vacuum cleaner third.Pancake maker, the Fondue set and Egg slicer all came in the top ten for the worst…Egg slicer? Ha ha why?
Some others I thought of that didn’t feature were the foot spa? Rubbish…The abs belt, or most exercise at home gadgets? Rubbish the lot of them…remember the seven-minute abs guy…well try the six-minute abs…exactly! Rubbish!
I pretty cool gadget was the little appliance that you plugged into an apple to remove its core…happy seedless eating…I thought that was a pretty handy 'useless' gadget!
Bread maker? That’s what grannies are for, how do you think they get arthritis in their hands?Before I withdraw back into my lair, perhaps you can think of one or two not mentioned above. Here are a few Irish inventions that didn’t make it on the list this time, but come highly recommended…

Solar powered flashlight Inflatable dart board Ejector seat in a helicopter Pedal-powered wheel chair Waterproof tea bag
SA has had some cracking gadgets down the years including countless braai odd bins, and the Vuvuzela

Sharper than an orphans crayon

2009-10-02T03:03:00.000-07:00

I pulled a face of complete horror when I read that satirist Justin Nurse had stepped down from his Laugh it Off company after being diagnosed with Bell's palsy.Nurse, whose two-year-old daughter Vanilla died a month ago in a car fire, said in a letter to staff that he was at a "dark place".
He said he had a "break down" on Friday and that when he woke up, he could not speak.
He has since been diagnosed with Bell's palsy, a paralysis of the facial nerve which can be triggered by emotional stress."I still know funny," said Nurse. "But no longer have the appetite or energy to laugh at it."

I have blogged before about strange diseases…Trichotillomania – sufferers have the urge to pull out their hair, was my favourite!
My new favourite however, is Cotard’s Syndrome: The sufferer of this disease feels that he or she is dead and non-existent. The sufferer also feels that he/she lost his or her blood or internal organs; the patient even feels that the internal parts are putrefying.

So in the spirit of these strange diseases, I thought it might be a good day to play the True or false game.
Are you sharper than an orphans crayon? (That was all me by the way, not Anne Robinson)…
Are you smarter than a church hall full of boyscouts? Then try this:

Stendhal Syndrome: This is a strange disease in which when the sufferer is exposed to a large amount of beautiful art in a short space of time he would experience dizziness, rapid heartbeat, confusion and hallucinations.
Beauty or the beast?

Capgras Delusion: In this disease, the sufferer becomes convinced that a family member usually spouse has been replaced by an identical looking imposter. He or she refuses to sleep with the imposter. Some victims even second-guess their own reflections in the mirror.
Imposter or the real Mcoy?

Pica: This disease creates an urge to eat things other than food. Sufferers eat substances such as paper, clay, dirt, glue, coal, even faeces and lint. Some Researchers believe that it is due to mineral deficiency, but others say real cause and cure is yet to find.
Eat shit or true?

Genital Retraction Syndrome: Causes the victims to become panicked and frantic. Males think their penis is shrinking, retracting and disappearing into abdomen. Females, think breasts are retracting into the body. Sometimes sufferers believe that it is due to witchcraft. Hocus pocus or the bollocks?

Latah: The sufferer may lose control of their behavior; mimic the speech and actions of the people around them. They obey the commands given to them. For example if they are given a command to hit anybody they will obey it instantly. They actually don’t know what they are doing. Blind man or a bluff?

Wishful thinking

2009-10-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

So early this morning I sat bolt upright following one of those dreams where you confuse it for real life.
I was lying in bed with a naked Zooey Deschanel, the Yes Man, and Failure to Launch actress. We were fooling about, joking, not doing the funky chicken, or the wild monkey dance…it was all rather sweet and innocent.
The setting: a dorm room at a very highbrow university because my bed wage huge, the sheets were clean ha ha and the room was 80% mahogany - Yes the detail was immaculate.
The dream must have been semi lucid as I was manipulating what was happening. I had Zooey on a string ha ha, she even laughed at my jokes.
I noticed that I could see Zooey's breasts, and felt rather shy so I moved to pull the sheets over her from my left side to the right, to where she was lying. Just at that moment, I realised that I was actually taking the sheets from Lauren, my real life girly/ladyfriend, who lay on my left, to give to my dream girlfriend…er the girlfriend in my dreams.
I felt so embarrassed, but thankfully Lauren never stirred.

It left me wondering what this dream could mean? A threesome in the offing? In my dreams…

Diamond geezer

2009-09-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

I noted with interest today that a 507 carat white diamond was discovered at the historic Cullinan mine near Joburg.
Initial examinations indicate that it is of exceptional colour and clarity, and most likely to be a Type I diamond.
At the same time and by complete coincidence, I read that the real life Lucy from the Beatles' song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" has died after a long fight against lupus.
Lucy Vodden died after battling the disease for years.
Vodden came to the attention of John Lennon when the Beatles' young son Julian came home from school one day with a drawing that he said was "Lucy in the sky with diamonds."
The elder Lennon turned it into a psychedelic masterpiece long associated with LSD use.
Julian Lennon reached out to Vodden in recent years as she suffered from the disease.
Lupus is a chronic illness during which the immune system attacks the body's own tissue….ouch
Additional diamond news sees a lavish breakfast, billed as the most expensive in the world, unveiled to mark the start of a West End production.
The £22,000 croissant, coffee and cocktail, created by the makers of Chambord, the French black raspberry liqueur, coincides with the opening of Breakfast At Tiffany's starring Anna Friel.
The meal includes a hand-decorated bejewelled croissant, covered in edible gold and diamonds, Bar le Duc hand-seeded redcurrant jam and a cup of Kopi Luwak coffee washed down with a Chambord and champagne cocktail worth more than £20,000.
The Chambord is served from a bottle of the liqueur encrusted with gold, diamonds and pearls worth 2.4 million US dollars (around £1.5 million) and topped up with Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque champagne. Sounds great but I think I am washing my hair that day…

In other news…Please note that the Gay Pride March will take place on the 3 October starting at 11.00 at the Zoo Lake Sports Club.
The parade will be followed by a march by all those people who wear striped pyjamas to bed on a Tuesday, and then a march by people whose names begin with P, and then followed by owners of red coloured pets…birds are welcome, but fish are advised to remain in their various bowls …
It’s a day for getting over it. You are gay, it is as much accepted now as any other minority group, who would have thought it, gays a minority group?…you are proud, I get that and am proud of you, really!
Can I just say…move on boys, queens and other stereotypical names we straight people like to name you by.
This is not a gay bashing exercise I promise, but you nolonger need to wear tight vests and talk in high pitched voices, its as subtle as a Rhino horn.
You don’t have to do that hand slapping bitch fight thing anymore to show off your sexual preference..ok now I am having a go…

Music and lyrical waxing

2009-09-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

Music musings continued…my mom likes country music…Ok not the most riveting opening but I hope you might read on. I don't want to insult my mammies musical taste as country music has rhythm, a great beat and is generally quite entertaining. The muso generally sings about his/her life experience, the death of a dog, or the divorcing of a fifth wife etc and takes us through a journey, no matter how arbitrary.

Here are some cracking titles from the country genre..

I’d Like to Check You For Ticks
I Got Friends in Low Places
I’m So Much Cooler On-Line
I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was, But I’m Good, Once, As I Ever Was
Would You Like Fries With That, (the divorce song)
It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere
I’m Gonna Hire A Wino to Decorate our Home
Whiskey for My Men, Beer for My Horses
Get Drunk and Be Somebody
Jesus Loves You But I Don’t

Don’t say I never give you anything…Go and check out the lyrics…

On a local front, I had the pleasure of listening to a local Afrikaans radio station…my dad would be proud…the other day. A local singer was singing about his liefie Marriane…and how in love with her he was… until he decides he has had enough of his life, being proud and all that and shoots his entire family before taking his own life.
But now that sounds like a country and western song again…

Heep Hop is also generally quite entertaining too..they are always on about money, bling, watches sneakers, cars and the tangible things in life, oh and sex, a whole lot of it.

"I dont know whats better, getting laid or getting paid,I just know when I'm gettin one, the others' gettin away"- KanYe West with Dilated Peoples -"This Way"
"Cuz they're addicted, to what my dick did,the pleasure and pain the wing-ding inflicted"Eazy-E - "Grand Finale" –
"Damn homie, in high school you was the man homie,what the fuck happened to you?"50 Cent-

DJ spin that shit

2009-09-22T03:32:00.000-07:00

My colleague has just revealed that he was once a DJ – not a dinner jacket…a Disc Jockey! Power to the vinyl then cause my colleague is sixty plus…
It made me wonder when exactly it was that the first man/woman declared him/herself king of selecting music for a mass audience…
I remember all the times at house parties when there was always one person who took charge of the music…sometimes to great success, but most times to loud boos and and spectacular failure…Come on we have all been there…ramming our personal musical tastes down others throats…
Having no idea when this demy god like job first came into being I decided to wikki wikki Wikipedia it!
The world's first radio disc jockey was Ray Newby, of Stockton, California. In 1909, at 16 years of age, Newby began regularly playing records on a small spark transmitter while a student at Herrold College of Engineering and Wireless, located in San Jose, California, under the authority of radio pioneer Charles "Doc" Herrold.
In 1935, American commentator Walter Winchell coined the term "disc jockey" (the combination of "disc" (referring to the disc records) and "jockey" (which is an operator of a machine) as a description of radio announcer Martin Block, the first announcer to become a star. While his audience was awaiting developments in the Lindbergh kidnapping, Block played records and created the illusion that he was broadcasting from a ballroom, with the nation’s top dance bands performing live. The show, which he called Make Believe Ballroom, was an instant hit. The term "disc jockey" appeared in print in Variety in 1941.
In 1943, Jimmy Savile launched the world's first DJ dance party by playing jazz records in the upstairs function room of the Loyal Order of Ancient Shepherds in Otley, England. In 1947, he became the first DJ to use twin turntables for continuous play. Also in 1947, the Whiskey à Go-Go nightclub opened in Paris, France, considered to be the world's first discothèque, or disco (deriving its name from the French word meaning a nightclub where the featured entertainment is recorded music rather than an on-stage band).
So there you have it…and so it continued and so it is possible that my colleague was a DJ…just perhaps not as I imagine a DJ to look, hawaian shirt buttoned half way up, or white muscle top and dark sun glasses nodding his head continuously, looking for some reaction from the crowd and pointing to the roof, with lips pursed every so often with a disco smile flashing across his self ritious face…Nice one brother!

Like a kick to the groin

2009-09-18T03:02:00.001-07:00

Footballer David Beckham is the most suitable role model for children, according to a survey of British adults.
Not sure what that says about Britain then? more ems than Scouser Steven Gerard in an interview with Sky Sports after a footie game.
What about the good old days when men were men and women were men…Churchill, Maggie Thatcher (forget golden balls, balls of steel), Lord Horatio Nelson? Hello…the guy had one eye and lost an arm for the cause for goodness sakes…Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves!
Can you imagine David Beckham going down in folklore as a dominant leader who took Britain to the top of the pile again…er I think not, although a five foot something with a very gay name and even more gay hat had France in the running for a while…
By contrast, the least suitable idols were Homer Simpson, the slobbish, beer-swilling dad, followed by foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Now hang on a dang minute…Homer is a great role model…he is great dad, loves his kids, he loves beer, we all love beer, and most of all he adores Marge and provides for his family…
Beckham was rated a "very good" role model by 19% of those surveyed and "good" by 36%.
In second place on the list was David Cameron, the leader of Britain's main opposition Conservative Party..It gets worse then! He is the twat who rides everywhere on a bicycle and who looks like the kid who was bullied at school for being, well a twat.
More than 2,000 people were quizzed for the research, which was carried out online in March by Opinium Research.
But lets get back to Becks…the loveable rogue with a squeaky voice…least people forget that he had an affair with Rebecca Loos, who jerked off a pig… and he has been caught on a dozen occasions eyeing out the LA Laker girls…great role model then.
Metro sexual role models here we come…I bet becks spends more money on grooming products than the set of Sex and the City, and more time in the bathroom than his wife, who cant even see herself in the mirror when she is facing sideways, except all the fake bits…so that would be her lips, her tits and her ass!
Anyway this is making me sound jealous, so I had better stop here. In his defense the man does know a thing or too about football, and marketing…so kudos to him, but role model…I would say more model!So who is my role model I hear you all ask…my diplomatic answer would be moms who raise their kids, doctors who save lives, nurses who make sick people feel better, fireman who save lives, policeman who brave the streets, wives who walk away from their abusing husbands, the list is endless…

Why I love Banana boxes

2009-09-14T04:01:00.000-07:00

For all those people born after 1985, look away now.
When I growing up I used to travel down to the Natal South Coast to visit my grandparents during most holidays.
For me, it meant three things – sun, sea, and Readers Digest. My nanna and gramps used to subscribe to the great magazine and had banana boxes full of old editions collected since, well probably the 2nd Great War.
My particular favourites were All in a Day's Work and Humour in Uniform…jokes and real lifers submitted by the readers themselves, amid the true life stories like: I survived 35 days in the forest by eating my brother…

Apparently one of the early stories sent in: A wealthy New Yorker, "dressed in the Abercrombie & Fitch version of What a Man Should Wear in the Wilderness," walks up to a laconic Maine lobsterman. "I see you are using fish bait for lobsters. You think it's good, do you?" he asks. The lobsterman shakes his head. "No, I don't. But the lobsters do."
Brilliant…Since then, readers have sent us over 20 million true stories and jokes, about 100,000 of which have been published.

One of them I read reminded me of my visit to the cinema last night. I had a the unfortunate experience of having to sit infront of two ladies who continued to talk to each other throughout the entire film…OK, not all of it, but it sometimes felt like it…

Do the Right Thing5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."
Anyway, I enjoyed some of the best as edited by RD….
http://www.rd.com/clean-jokes-and-laughs/our-50-funniest-true-stories/article93740.html

The farest of us all

2009-09-02T04:08:00.000-07:00

A local website has the following five questions woman really dont like their men asking:

1 - Are you going to be much longer?

She hears : Here I am sitting on my backside waiting in the car, while you are packing the baby’s bag, sorting out the dog, wrapping the birthday present, dealing with YOUR mother’s phonecall, setting the alarm and locking the house. What is taking you so long?

Why does this question irritate women?

This question merely reveals your husband/boyfriend’s complete lack of understanding about what it takes to get ready to go on the road. And this is what makes women angry. Leave it to the man in your life, and you will arrive at the party without a present, without clean nappies for the baby, and to top it all, a call from the alarm company, saying the armed response says the dog is trotting around inside the house and they hope that is what set off the alarm.

I agree with this one, men are impatient and woman take longer because they think of things men dont so well done them.

2 - Don’t you think you should start running again?

A perfectly honest question? but can I just say that it is probably worded wrong...Perhaps a more polite way would be to ask if they would care to join the gym, with you, or take a run together?

Either way if she is getting fat...that concern needs to be aired, surely?

3 - What’s for supper? I think this one is possibly outdated..perhaps a question asked by my dad, but unless my partner has volunteered to cook a meal, that would be the only time I would say..great, what are you cooking?

4 - What was your previous boyfriend like?

She hears: I don’t like the thought of your being with anyone else, even if I didn’t know you then. I really want to hear that he was a right royal jerk, useless in bed, couldn’t hold down a job and generally disliked by all your family and friends.

Why does this question irritate women?It makes them feel cornered – previous boyfriends are actually private territory and have nothing to do with present relationships. When women are hesitant to discuss previous relationships, men often react as if they are somehow being excluded and as if the woman has something to hide.

I do agree with this one I have to say. Whatever is said about the ex it is never going to make either party happy unless there are lies exchanged ie: he was fat, had acne, a two inch penis, a smelly fish breath and was homeless, but other than that he was a perfect gentlemen. Even then, what does that say about you that she went out with such a loser.
Intriguing as it may be to find out what the ex was like so as to try to compare youself, stay clear if possible, think about the future , unless the boyfriend/girlfriend is still in the picture, in which case deeper more meaningful discussions may be necessary?

5 - Who was that you were talking to?

Now if I have asked this question in the past, it has only been to show interest, or somethimes I can asee that that my partner wants to discuss the call she just had - Otherwise I couldnt care less who she/he was talking too - if they had something to hide, they wouldnt be talking on the phone in such an obvious manner - in other words dump them for being a moron.

I am hoping Zoe and Rebecca and Lollo might be able to add to this list...go on girls -

Here are a few questions that men dont particulalrly like:

Does my bum look big in this?
Do you think she’s pretty? It depends if your bum looks big in what she is wearing ha ha jokes.
Do you love me?
I dont know what to ear - er try something in your cupboard...

Kadhafi V Rourke separated at birth

2009-09-01T03:14:00.000-07:00

They even outsource their decisions on outsourcing

2009-09-01T03:12:00.000-07:00

The exasperated chairman of Parliaments correctional services committee, Vincent Smith, has expressed concern about the numbers of services the prison departments has been outsourcing.
It transpires that the Department of Correctional Services outsource 886 contracts a year at a total cost of 1.1bn rand.
Smith said that an outsider supplied food for 23m per month. Other items include 5m per month for maintaining TV sets for 159 million rand, 667,000 for internal auditing, 4.95 million for training of junior middle managers etc.
Smith's exasperation came when he and his committee were told by officials that even a decision as to whether or not outsourcing was the best option for supplying services in prisons was itself outsourced to a private consultant at a cost of 1.1 million rand…

I am at loss for words..and do not have the energy to challenge this mindset…snigger snigger

Headline of the day…

Beer-drinking Muslim model wins caning reprieve
A Muslim model sentenced to be caned for drinking beer won a surprise reprieve Monday when religious officials delayed her punishment until after the fasting month of Ramadan.
Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, 32, was sentenced by a religious court last month to six strokes, making her the first woman to face caning under Islamic law in Malaysia, a moderate Muslim-majority country.

SA's finest beating a path of corruption

2009-08-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

Is it any wonder why our criminals go unpunished, why we never see justice in this Wild West country of ours?
I remember driving through the Eastern Cape with Police officer 10 years ago on the way to report a theft at a local store as a student journalist. The officer pointed to a scattering of large brick homes with livestock on the plots of abundant land among the shacks in the area. "Those houses belong to policemen," he said. "It is very corrupt here," he added.
I was reminded of that incident a few weekends back when a friend got off lightly having been pulled over for driving under the influence of alcohol.
Having been made to take a breath test, he was found to be well over the legal limit. A weekend in a prison cell seemed a certainty for friend A until the brazen officer said: "How can we make this problem go away?"
Friend A, drunk yes, but no a fool you must understand, produced the last R200 he had left in his wallet, the rest had been handed out to various barmen during the course of the evening.
Before he could even ask if the said amount was enough? The money had changed hands and he was once a again a 'free man', relived that the following day could be spent on the couch, nursing a hangover, mobile in hand texting to all in his address book of how lucky he was for not having to contemplate having a backside the size of a clown's pocket.
I have heard that police officers can earn up to R5,000 on a weekend in bribe money, but that is just a number and we all know that the limited wages South Africa's finest are paid every month is in itself, highway robbery.
My biggest concern is that the purpose of pulling someone over for being over the legal alcohol limit is to prevent them from endangering the lives of others, and themselves.
Had friend A caused a accident resulting in the death of an innocent person after being let go by the police, who would have been to blame?
Nine out of ten people in Friend A's position would do exactly the same, pay and go, and that is just the nature of the environment in which we live. There are so many citizens breaking the law that it becomes law in itself. The attitude is too often...if he is doing it, then so can I…and what fine role models we have in the way of our uniformed protectors, beating a path of corruption for us all to follow.
So big up to the SAP and Metro Police…keep up the good work, here is hoping that only a hundred is required to see you off on my next weekend bender.

I almost fell off my chair, well because of the recession, our chairs have been taken away from us, we stand now at our desks, well I actually kneel, or it hurts my back, oh never mind.
I read an article this morning that a taxi driver had tried to brbe a road traffic blockade with R30 …well clearly it wasn’t enough…I mean how far will R30 get you, its an insult to out men in blue really.
Expert from the article…
The incident happened on Friday night when police mounted a roadblock on Lansdowne Road in Nyanga. Traffic fines totalling R20 900 were issued at the roadblock. Yes that was the official amount, but did they count the money that lined the pockets of the police?
One motorist who was pulled over jumped out of his vehicle and ran away. The vehicle was then impounded by police.
In another incident, a taxi driver was arrested and charged with defeating the ends of justice at a checkpoint at the intersection of Modderdam Road and Symphony Way.
Police say the driver lied to them about his licence and attempted to bribe a police officer with R30.

What's in a name?

2009-08-19T03:46:00.000-07:00

How does one acquire a nickname, stage name, pen name, or pet name these days?
I have a few including "trouser snake sex machine extraordinaire" which is often mentioned in the bedroom by so many past concubines – Yes it is a mouthful – the nickname that is…and shows the extent one can go to along with persistent use to ensure that a name sticks…
It depends on the friends, but I am boy to my sister, Ga to the other sister, Gareth when my mom is angry with me, Gary to a few old friends and my dad, monkey to past girlfriends and Vossie, or Vos – a shortened version of my surname and the name my dad went by to most these days. I am happy with any of those really.
Most recently it was worsie – but I will deny that to my grave… upon which my nickname will be RIP, like so many others six feet under.
Some football players have just taken it upon themselves to have one name, Ronaldo, Pele or the entire Brazilian National football team for that matter.
Former Fiji's national coach Ilivasi Tabua is known as the "human skewer" for his ferocious tackling.
Then there is Brian Lima "the chiropractor" – the samoan center who was known for his back breaking tackling ability.
"Iron Mike" Tyson was named for obvious reasons. In fact some of the more entertaining nicknames have come out of boxing stables…
Juan "The Hispanic Causing Panic" Lazcano
Homicide Hank (Henry Armstrong)
Michael "Second to" Nunn
Mike "The Body Snatcher" McCallumMike "The Bounty" Hunter
O'Neil "Give 'em Hell" BellOwen "What the Heck" Beck
Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini

Then there are the Italian mafia "Jonny "two toes" Marino, or Nicky "the hatchet" the first for er well having two toes on his left foot, and the other for his choice of weapon in the underworld.
Tommy Sneakers
Fat Richie
Jackie the Nose
The title that one gets in the Italian mafia is derived from a number of different sources. An individual may get a title based on his position in the organization or a particular family. Larry “The Boss” Pistone is a classic example of an Italian mafia name that belongs to a ring leader. Other Italian mafia names are performance based. Some names are used to indicate the potential dangers that the particular individual poses. Examples include Mickey “The Animal” Costelle” and Francesco “The wolf” Lonardo.
An Italian mafia name may be based on a personal attribute or skill of an individual member. Franky “The Weasel” Napotano or Stefano “Crazy eyes” Brasco
Physical characteristics also play an important role - Franky “the Stud” Luchhese is a classic.

Stage names, well most Hollywood actors have had their name changes before, and some amusing characters have showed themselves up in the world of wrestling - The undertaker, probably being the most famous, along with The Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan...

Interestingly Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger never changed his name, but Michael Caine born Maurice Micklewhite.

Axle Rose was Bill Baily, and God knows what Jonny Rotten was.

Feel free to share your nicknames ...or overhheard pet names...
My favorite at this time is Fanta pants for any ginger folk – why are they so vilified? Does anyone care? sorry Lollo, for everything.

Are pet names and nicknames the same – probably not – snoekems, or teddy bear aren’t quite the same as John "the hammer"
Dick for Richard – no its Richard actually – and not Rick either that just sucks – dick – what? Exactly!

Others...
Elvis was the "the King" or the pelvis – take your pick
Liverpool fands called Robbie Fowler "God" he was that good.
Cherilyn LaPiere – is known as Sher
George Herman Ruth – Babe Ruth
William F. Cody - Buffalo Bill
William H. Bonney - Billy the Kid

In Japan honorifics is idesigned so that term of endearment convey the exact status of the relationship between two people. However, the recipient of the honorific is allowed to restrict the use when used by a certain person.
And so they go on etc etc

The windows of the soul

2009-08-18T08:44:00.001-07:00

I am in my early thirties, white and South African. I moved back to South Africa in December, following eight good years living in the United Kingdom. Since my return, I have struggled to get past the utter contempt shown by indigenous people towards minorities in this country.
Everyday I get a look of utter hatred from a complete stranger, everyday! The hatred in their eyes hurts like hell, but it soon becomes a 'bugger you jack' as my natural defensive nature kicks in.
I am hated for being white? No! That can't be right, surely? It has been too long since the end of Apartheid for that. It’s the ANC who have been running the show here now for many years, enough to break that terrible legacy? The ANC has been in power for long enough to make the changes that were needed and mould the country into their shape…that’s a whole new essay in itself.
I get that look of contempt from all ages, old and young – from teenagers even, younger than the system of apartheid, so one cannot even look to lay the blame it its doorstep …why then? Is it a genetic thing? Is this hatred still being passed down from generation to generation-through tales atrocities during the 60-80s?
If that is the case, it makes me think that Nelson Mandela is truly a man to be celebrated for his forgiveness and his progressive mindset.
I am tired of having to apologise for the colour of my skin, for working damn hard to be where I am and for driving a car, or owning a house, wearing a designer label…contributing to the economy. It's my given right as a South African, as an African. I am just as much an African as those who stare me down…and I try hard everyday to be proud of this broken country.
However, it is so far from being healed its frightening and its nolonger about apartheid (the sooner people get that chip off their shoulder the sooner we can all move on).
I do not profess to ignore our history as it was a despicable thing, but when I see a young girl with daggers in her eyes look at me, a complete stranger for no reason, it makes me think that it has to be something else.
I am open to answers and I would be the first to put into place that solution, but I am past feeling guilty…we all created this mess, so lets all work together to sort it out.
Dare I say that reverse racism is rife here in this country, but as a minority it’s a case of so what - deal with it.
The calling of obscenities by taxi drivers on white drivers, when they push in and get an annoyed hoot, or a frustrated flash of light to make them aware of their inconsiderate and dangerous driving is only one small encounter of many on a daily basis. Hell I only need walk down.
I cant wait for the World Cup in 2010 as it is going to be a brilliant event, but if people think that it is going to solve all the countries issues, they are sadly mistaken – its in the eyes.
Viva? whatever...

Sports for brekkie, lunch and dinner

2009-08-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am a sports nut - I remember every important event in my life, namely the day I first bumped uglies, and the day I broke up with my first girlfriend (which was in spite of the Boks playing, not because of by the way) through a sporting event that either took place on the day, or was at least within the nearest ball park…so to speak.
It’s a really good thing too, because I am crap at remembering dates, but I can tell you what day the 1996 Currie Cup Final was played and between whom, and the winner in a single breathe, phew.
I mentioned this to a friend the other day, and their comment was contrite…you watch too much sport!

It kind of makes me think…what would life be without sports? Would people be less competitive? No there is business for that, and traffic of course… there wouldn’t be so many beef heads out there?
Would we all look like Americans – fat and lipo-sucked to shit with whiter than white teeth? Homer Simpsonesque… mmm donuts, mmm Duff beer, but why drink beer if there is no telly with sport on to enjoy?

Without sports there wouldn’t be some cracking quotes either…Don’t worry I am not going to get all Jerry Mafucken guire on you..

Ok maybe close…this one from Shaquille O'Neal I am pretty sure enspired the movie in the first place…
I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

Doctors and scientists said that breaking the four-minute mile was impossible, that one would die in the attempt. Thus, when I got up from the track after collapsing at the finish line, I figured I was dead. - Roger Bannister four minute mile legend

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost. Matina Navratilova… tennis player who knew a thing or two about the game…

One of my favourites…
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that. Bill Shankly

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. Mario (I am never getting into a race car with him…ever) Andretti
Amen

I like all lesbians except for him!

2009-07-30T01:51:00.000-07:00

Women are gradually becoming more attractive in an evolutionary "beauty race", according to scientific research.
Scientific ?– bollocks!

Beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts, and a higher proportion of those children are girls, a study claims. These daughters, once adult, also tend to be attractive and so the pattern continues. Rocket science…I wonder how proud someone feels researching – really? Can it be called research? What drivel!

Examples of beautiful celebrity mothers with equally beautiful daughters who are models include Jerry Hall, and her two daughters Elizabeth and Georgia Jagger, and Yasmin Le Bon and daughter Amber. This pattern has led to women becoming steadily more beautiful over the generations, say scientists.

There is a hole in this theory already they use the word equally to describe the beauty of a hot mom and daughter - what about evolution – getting hotter?
Also I have seen plenty hot moms with ugly kids! And visa versa – where does the dad fit into this?

And another thing - there are more than 3 billion women in the world and the researcher comes up with two examples? Is Jerry Hall even beautiful? She looks like a man? So I would categorise her as attractive – for a man! Ya no well fine

However, psychologists believe women are becoming more attractive as they are making more of an effort with their looks, and have more resources to do so than ever before. That’s more a scientific assessment than psychological, and far more scientific than the previous paragraphs findings…fuck it - its all trash!

Men apparently remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors. Spoken like a true lesbian and an ugly one at that who despises men for stealing all her hot woman!

In the research Markus Jokela, (since when did they start calling lesbians Marcus? Ha ha) of the University of Helsinki, used data from America in which 1,244 women and 997 men were followed through four decades of life.

It’s scientifically proven that Marcus wants to be a lesbian!

He needs to get his head checked – that’s where the psychology comes in, and hang on to that job Marcus it looks like you are getting a free ride! Happy days er lesbian.

Eura wee bit crazy

2009-07-28T04:01:00.000-07:00

Ever heard your mom say to your dad: “Why do you have to go outside to pee when the toilet is just down the passage?”
No? erm ok then, sorry dad, but mom was right all along, you are an animal!

Well it just might be that my dad finally has an excuse to answer nature’s call, outside or in the garage after all. Hell mom can even do it in the kitchen soon if these Indian soothsayers are to be believed!

Urine-powered cars, homes and personal electronic devices could be available in six months.
Using a nickel-based electrode, scientists can create large amounts of cheap hydrogen from urine that could be burned or used in fuel cells. One cow can provide enough energy to supply hot water for 19 houses. – I can see Cow stocks going up already, and I dread to use Hoover again but a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot and a cow in the back garden!

One molecule of urea, a major component of urine, contains four atoms of hydrogen bonded to two atoms of nitrogen. If you place a special nickel electrode into a pool of urine and apply an electrical current, hydrogen gas is released.
A urine-powered vehicle could theoretically travel 90 miles per gallon.

So remember that the next time someone stops on the side of the highway to relieve himself or herself, it may be because they are running low on the old fuel!

Wise words: Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Additional wee wee beliefs: Urinating on one's belly before swimming will protect one from cramps
And throw in a Chinese proverb for good measure: It Is Better To Fart Next To A Candle Then To Urinate In The Wind.

Cough oink Cough

2009-07-27T07:51:00.000-07:00

OK, it has been a while since my last post, er to myslf - as I said - the noises need words, nomatter who is listening.
I was going to use the excuse…I was vsisitng the WC, but that cant be right…a whole week plus on the loo? That makes me sound oink sick oink?

Actually a week looking in the mirror assessing which direction my life is headed is plausible and I am not suggesting its headed down the toilet…quite the opposite, its alive with possibility…

It does make me think of some excuses that people use…

A friend once nearly pulled a fast one on his boss..”Sorry for being late, I had a puncture,” he said on arrival 2 hours late for work one-day in London.
His boss retorted… “I thought you took the tube in to work?”

Heard this one? Sorry i'm late but I was attacked by a flock of birds who mistook dandruff for breadcrumbs…Not sure if I would use that one if I was late to meet the parents of my soon to be (ex)-girlfriend.

I was attacked by ninjas?

My housemate is a big environmentalist…more the latter part of the word if you ask me, but and he recycled my homework! He speaks whale you know?

My sister ate my homework?

I like this one - Que? No hablo anglais?

Here are 10 real-life excuses for being late…All I can say is wow!
1. While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
2. Someone stole all my daffodils.
3. I had to go audition for American Idol.
4. My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn't drive to work.
5. My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.
6. I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
7. I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
8. The line was too long at Starbucks.
9. I was trying to get my gun back from the police.10. I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.

Those are terrible?

How about – I got called up to play for the All Blacks this weekend as they are in short of a few good players? See you Monday?

Feel free to add you favourite excuse tags… Ok then

Truth can be a motherfu..er

2009-07-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

A female client adviser (28) wrote: My husband works in M&A as an associate. Lots of his colleagues have been fired, so he works every day till midnight and at weekends. In his little time off, he sleeps, watches TV and sees friends for a drink...
He took the job to get rich, but he won't get a bonus this year. He is stressed and nervous, sleeps with his Blackberry and keeps complaining. He wants a new job - but doesn't know what he wants to do. It's too risky for him to quit in current times, but his job is damaging both of us.

Read what Lucy Kellaway, "agony-aunt" of the Financial Times (London), answered:

I wonder which part of your predicament bothers you most. Ha ha…so many
Is it that the expected riches have not materialised? Brilliant intro Lucy keep it up…
Is it the way your husband works the whole time? Is it his incessant complaining? Is it the Blackberry by the bed? Is it the way he watches telly, sleeps and sees his friends? Now we are getting somewhere…
Or is it that even though he claims to hate his job, he can't think of anything he'd like better?
I can see that all of these could be annoying - with the possible exception of sleeping, which deserves a little tolerance. Yes unlike your intolerance of this moaning, nag…
If he were my husband, what I would dislike most would be his wanting to leave but being clueless about what to do instead. Preach the word…
If he can't think of alternatives, the endless complaint does not deserve endless sympathy. For now, he is stuck where he is. Unless he has a private fortune - which you imply he hasn't - it would be madness to quit until he has another job or scheme up his sleeve. Amen Lucy!
For you, this means finding a way of being less bothered by it all. As far as the money goes, I assume that will get better if he sticks it out. The hours, however, are not likely to improve much. This sort of work demands a lot of time.
The Blackberry beside the bed strikes me as something you should learn to live with: I've never known why people make quite such a fuss about this. We all have other distracting things by our beds - books and telephones and newspapers - and so long as we sometimes close them and put them away, it isn't the end of the world. Having drinks with friends isn't that bad either: at least he has friends, which is more than many unhappy men do. It’s a point well made.
The only really troubling thing in this picture is that he never seems to make any time for you…. Tuh dah…at last the Holy Grail. If he isn't prepared to be nice to you in his spare time, I fear that a change of job may not make things much better…. Lucy is the new Messiah…

Sleep sliding away

2009-07-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

I had one of those mornings where my bed just seemed like such a natural place to be, despite having to get up and ready myself for work. It was just so warm and cosy. I have been sleeping really well of late, you know when you wake up in exactly the same position as when you went to sleep with the duvet not even wrinkled! Am I making you jealous Zoe? Ha ha your time will come when Isobel will make you breakie in bed…with an awful amount of training mind.
I usually don’t have a problem getting up as I enjoy the challenge that each day presents. I usually get out of bed earlier over the weekend, bar a big night out, as I feel like its my free time and I want to make the most of my day.
It hasn’t always been the case though, I can remember many a late start at university, but then I have always been a bit of a night owl too. I would fight bed and sleep as a kid, wanting to stay up as late as possible, but by the time I got to matric, that changed somewhat. I would take the odd day off complaining of some mystery illness, with my mom sounding off in the background that she wouldn’t sign my sick-note as she dashed out the front door on her way to work. The idea was to have a lie in and then watch daytime telly in my sleeping shorts – ah those were good days.
University was brilliant, no mom, no early lectures…well erm maybe a few, but more than not a late morning snooze in the warm sunlight that filtered through into my room would be too difficult to give up.
My early working days in the UK would see me delay my getting up to the last possible minute, having prepped myself accordingly the night before… shoes, suit socks etc all next to the bed, waiting. Too often in those days I would be fighting a hangover, and it didn’t help that I would have to rely on London’s public transport, which was both enemy and ally. Because you can never rely on the busses and tubes in the morning, I couldn’t actually plan my sleep down to the last minute, but at the same time, if I was late into work…the bloody transport again…ah that old chestnut!
When I was a senior at high school, I would often get up in the morning get dressed and then get back into bed until I absolutely had to get out of bed again. I could plan my time down to the last minute.
As the years went by in London, I seemed to get lucky and work in relative convenience to where I lived. During the last few years I actually worked close enough to cycle to work, so again it was a case of knowing my exact route and the time it took to get there.
So what’s my point?
Well I don’t actually have a point today. Thought I might make it one of those share em days.

I thought this article was quite interesting, even though I am a dog person myself…

Cats coax their owners into giving them what they want with a special purr that blends their normal soft, low sound with a high-pitched element that is hard to ignore, British researchers said.
The high-frequency part is similar to a cry or a meow, and cats incorporate this into their normal, contended purr to exploit the nurturing instincts of humans for their own needs -- usually to get fed, according to scientists.
Lead author Dr Karen McComb of Sussex University in southern England said she initiated the study after being repeatedly woken up in the mornings by her own cat, Pepo.
"I wondered why this purring sounded so annoying and was so difficult to ignore.
McComb and her team tested human responses to different purring types, including "solicitation" purrs -- which included the high-frequency element and were made by hungry cats -- against "non-solicitation" or normal purrs.
"When humans were played purrs recorded while cats were actively seeking food at equal volume to purrs recorded in non-solicitation contexts, even those with no experience of cats judged the solicitation' purrs to be more urgent and less pleasant," she said.
When the team re-synthesised the purrs to remove the embedded cry, the urgency ratings decreased significantly.
McComb concluded that the cats were using the special purr to make their views known without risking irritating humans with an overt meow.
However, this solution appears only to work in cats living one-on-one with their owners -- cats in large households usually have to meow to be heard.

More Bull

2009-07-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

Holiday downer of the day…Pamplona bull gores man to death.
A bull gored a man to death during the world famous Pamplona run on Friday, piercing his neck, heart and lungs with its horns in front of thousands of tourists.
Witnesses pulled on the tail of the bull in a bid to get it away from the Spanish man who was thrown into the air by the animal, television footage showed…one for Youtube then no doubt…
He could be seen curled up, but motionless on the ground.
The festival, in which about a dozen bulls are released each morning to run from their corral over an 825-metre (900-yard) course to the bullring, causes injuries every year as tourists, dressed in white with a red neckerchief, sprint in front of the animals.
Talk of death among thousands…

I don’t want to jump on the Michael Jackson bandwagon, but with the horror show that was his memorial service, what with his coffin in the centre of the stage the entire time, as instructed by his parents to be like Dianna –since when did memorial services become so damn competitive?
I think child loving star should have given the world what they really wanted to see…An open coffin! Yeah go on OPEN IT! OPEN IT! Should have been the chants from the audience as they drowned out the sound of a very whiney Mariah Carey.
The world would have wanted to see Mikey’s face one last time…surely!

Just a little more on my colleague: He was once chairman of the Hypnotherapy Association.
This time I had to speak up, I for one was mesmerised! I said to him: “Listen here…er pal…look into my eyes, look into my eyes, you are getting very sleepy… ha ha
Before my little experiment could take effect, our resident he-man added that being a qualified acupuncturist, he is said to often perform acupuncture on himself…oh the needle of the man…time to stick a pin in his inflated…
Have a nice weekend...

Pulloutmyhairomania - wear a cap

2009-07-07T04:08:00.000-07:00

Impulsive hair-pulling, or trichotillomania, is a recognised but little understood medical condition.
Already this makes very little sense to me. Its recognised as a medic al condition, but not understood? Huh?Experts believe there is a genetic element to it, but stress also appears to play a part.
Again there is a lot of fudge here, they don’t understand trichotillomania – Jesus where did they get a name like that for something they don’t understand? But of course they understand it well enough to attribute a genetic element to it?

In my opinion there are so many diseases and disorders around at the moment. It makes me think that doctors are clueless when provided with symptoms so they just make up random words – trichotillomania – see? And provide wishy washy explanations for them.
Neomie De Costa, now 47, was 11 when she started tearing her hair out. "It was a very difficult year for me…. sugar cube its been a difficult year for many of us.
"A lot fell apart at that age. "I'd recently lost my grandfather, my parents were divorcing and my sister who I was very close to was getting married and moving away."Like many with trichotillomania, Neomie said she got some sense of relief and satisfaction from pulling out her hair…cookoo.
"It was a physical thing. The top of my head would itch. It felt like insects were crawling under the skin and the relief came with pulling the hair.
Ok so now I am probably not going to blame the doctor for coming up with a name like trichotillomania.
"It became a ritual. After I pulled out a hair from my head I would look at the root and examine it perhaps rub it on my lips or eat it….no comment.
Neomie has since stopped her hair-pulling, but it has left its mark. She wears a wig as only a third of her hair has grown back. Ok so if this is a genetic thing, as doctors say, how do they explain her decision to stop? Did they prescribe her pills?
Neomie attributes much of her hair pulling to stressful life events - she was a victim of child abuse and rape….
OK so here it is alarm bells, flashlights, hell Hiroshima, she was raped, I reckon that will do the trick…side effects can be a bitch when it comes to rape and why didn’t she mention this at the top of the article…genetics my arse.
She also found certain foods triggered her hair-pulling….ok so this is getting absurd….it’s the rape, say no more…please!
"Chilli causes me very bad urges. Peanuts, sugar or anything with glucose syrup in it is also very bad for me." Don’t bloody well eat those things then.
Neomie's daughter, Jaya, who is 26 and also lives in Bournemouth, has trichotillomania too, aah no really, I am starting to tug on my hair now, just reading this.
Neomie said: "We know there is a genetic element? How? Where is the proof?
“But my daughter has seen devastating effect it had on my life and she has been more controlled with her hair pulling." For Lois, her condition, which started when she was 13, has a trance like property. "It began when I was twiddling off my mascara and I pulled out an eyelash and I discovered I liked it. "I still do it now. I have no eyelashes or eyebrows left. "When I get the hair I've pulled out I like to rub it between my fingers. It's the ritual that is important for me. "I do it when I am watching TV and particularly if I am tired. I trance out and almost don't realise I am doing it.
I like eating peanut butter and marmite and fish paste all on the same slice of warm (it has to be warm damn it) toast. Does that mean I have grossontoastomania? Doctor!
My advise is get a job, wear a hat, stop eating syrup, stop watching telly and stop pulling your hair out. It isnt genetic, rape is never a good thing, so deal with that issue, problem solved.

I sometimes wonder if I am not too blame for trichotillomania as all my previous teachers, and my mother for that matter have said show they have wanted to pull their hair out when I have been about! More food for thought.
PS: I will not be held responsible for any comments made above as I suffer from hespeaks alotofbullxometimes-aphobia - which is also a genetic condition , aparently, in the state of Alabama and in Yemen.

So how was your day honey?

2009-07-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

I had a good chuckle on the way into work this morning…
I had the radio on and a caller told the DJ how her husband had slipped off to burgle from their neighbours house while she was in hospital delivering their baby.
The doctors and family asked her where her husband was, and the poor lady had absolutely no idea.
Happily, she said that the two had long since divorced.
It follows a story in the UK where woman recently called off her wedding recently after finding out that her husband to be had starred in several porn movies.
27-year-old Haylie Hocking of Bristol was planning her wedding with her dream man, Jason Brake, who she was led to believe worked as a personal trainer. Brake frequently travelled on weekends, telling her he was working with clients.
Hocking only discovered Brake’s secret life as a porn star after her and a friend searched for strippers online for her bachelorette party and found a pornographic video of her fiance.
Hocking confronted the man she had previously called “a thoughtful and passionate lover” and he confessed to his lying and infidelity, saying that his most recent porn movie shoot had only been a couple weeks before.
She immediately called off the wedding, saying she may never be able to trust a man again.
I have to say that if I caught my spouse getting into all kinds of positions with a host of porn actors on a daily basis, I would first consider how lucrative her contract was…I could live off her exploits by playing golf all day and sipping cocktails by night quite easily…
I would consider myself quite lucky that I had a partner that was good looking enough and talented enough to warrant a film about her exploits in the sack and I could save on my monthly porn bill by having free DVDs of my talented wife.

Ha ha only kidding – I would send her on her bike and tell her to be careful not to slip down the seat on her way out.
I wonder how much people really know about their other half…so to speak…I just hope that I am the naughty half should that scenario ever play itself out in my world…I can hear the intro to my own film…lots of base and a saxophone.

Colleague watch: He is going on a holiday to Australia on holiday in a weak and tells us that he was a champion lifesaver in his day…it must be hard to be a lifesaver when you live 600km’s from the sea on a mine-dump? Maybe he is referring to the Vaal River Lifesaving Club (VRLC) – they should get a t-shirt made.

You say dope I say caine

2009-07-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

So here is a shocking news flash – Cyclist banned after dope test!

Dutch cyclist Thomas Dekker will miss the Tour de France after testing positive for the banned blood-booster EPO, his Silence team announced.
Ironic that name Silence… innit!

I find it amazing that cyclists still think they can get away with cheating in the sport after so much publicity and drug testing.
It makes me think that either these cyclists are as thick as pig shit, or they truly believe they can get away with it, and perhaps most of them still are?
Don’t get me wrong, I ams amazed at the achievements of cyclists who complete the Tour De France. It is one of my favourite events to watch…so far only on the telly. In my view it is the most difficult endurance sport on the planet.
Cyclists cover 3500 kilometres in, with the longest event-taking place in 1926 at 5,745 km. The fastest road stage was the 1999 stage Laval-Blois (194.5 km), won by Mario Cipollini at an average speed of 50.355 km/h and riders will continue these speeds and distances for weeks at a time – enough said.
I say if riders are taking that much punishment, let them take drugs – as many as their beating hearts can take. It was said that Miguel Indurain – the Spanish King of the Tour De France in the mid 90’s had a normal heart rate of about 40 beats per minute. Imagine what he would have been capapble of had he been allowed EPO etc.
The danger of course is that your heart can beat so fast that it explodes… Kapow.

Still, my all time favourite sports song is Queens Bicycle Race as an ode to the amazing racing spectacle that is the Tour De France…
Fat Bottom Girls indeed
On Your Marks get set go…priceless lyrics

Bicycle races are coming your waySo forget all your duties oh yeahFat bottomed girls they'll be riding todaySo look out for those beauties oh yeahOn your marks get set goBicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
You say coke I say caineYou say John I say WayneHot dog I say cool it manI don't wanna be the President of AmericaYou say smile I say cheeseCartier I say pleaseIncome tax I say JesusI don't wanna be a candidate forVietnam or WatergateCause all I wanna do is…

I wonder if Freddie was aluding to drugs in the sport when he mentiones Bolivian marching powder in his song lyrics...genius was our Freddie - RIP good man!

What a fine mess Stanley

2009-06-18T04:03:00.000-07:00

I am a little under the weather today, and that never happens as I am made out of liquid metal, but alas I soldier on, acting the slave for the CEO of a large company in South Africa, whom strangely enough I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting? Capitalism…never…
The following story is not about the unfortunate victims of the Air France crash recently; it’s a catastrophe far worse than that…well perhaps stupidity on a a scale the size of, well an aeroplane.

South African Airlines acting chief executive Chris Smyth admitted in Parliament on that the airline may have messed up the cancellation of 15 Airbus A320s and as a result might face a bill as high as 1.5 billion rand.
The planes were ordered in 2002, Smyth told the committee on public enterprises. "We decided we didn't need them," Smyth said. "We thought we had cancelled them, but Airbus are holding us to the original order."
He said that the airline is in negotiation to resolve the issue with the Airbus company. He suggested that it could be resolved within the next two weeks.

What? Chief exec admits in Parliament that the airline may have messed up the cancellation of 15 Airbus A320s and as a result might face a bill as high as 1.5 billion rand. How is this possible? One Airbus I could understand. “Oh I am terribly sorry for that mistake, wont happened again.”
“We thought we had cancelled them,” huh? Thought? Thought, thought he shat himself, but he didn't he just farted.
How will this beleaguered company ever look the industry in the eye again for such an idiotic blunder?

Quote of the day and its kind of translated, if you open your mind and can bend spoons: “Potential is a French word which means you haven’t done a damn thing yet,” similar to thought….
"He thought he stuck his head out of the window, so he went out to have a look".

Sticks and stones

2009-06-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

OK this is getting ridiculous – the latest on my colleague…He trained as a fireman! And effing fireman, and he has even saved people from burning buildings…of course he did, how could we doubt him.
Judging by the size of his belly, he thankfully gave that career up long ago – he looks like a baseball hitter now - fat and sweaty.
He also knows J.K Rowling and appeared in one of her books – Head of the truth telling ministry no-doubt.

In other news:
Armed robbers attacked a South African football stadium built for the 2010 World Cup after an international rugby match with the touring British and Irish Lions.
The robbery took place on Tuesday at the sports bar of the new Nelson
Mandela Bay stadium in the coastal city Port Elizabeth after the Lions beat the Southern Kings 20-8, said police spokesman Marinda Mills.
Two men entered the bar on the stadium's fifth level and pointed a firearm at workers selling alcohol, took money and ran away, she said.
"The police were alerted. We closed the stadium and started searching for suspects. Four adult males were taken for questioning but released yesterday evening."
Mills blamed the company tasked with searching spectators.
"People were not searched properly, a firearm was brought in," she said.
The match was the first official sports event in the 48,000-capacity stadium, the first of five new World Cup stadiums to be completed.

How very bold and daring, entering such a busy place. I am going to stick my neck out and say that some of the stadiums builders could be involved…Our robbers are so bored of hitting the same spots over again that they cannot wait for somewhere new to pinch from.

OCD – Over Critical, Dummy

2009-06-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

So there are signs that I might have OCD – obsessive-compulsive disorder. What are the signs? Well two people have told me….thanks very much. OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by involuntary recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviours. That might explain the weird Dutchmen on bicycles that come into my mind ever now and then causing me to fall on my head.
Apparently OCD is the fourth most common mental disorder and is diagnosed nearly as often as the physiological ailments asthma, and diabetes. In the US one in 50 adults has OCD – wow.
I am not sure that I have started to feel embarrased just because I cant stand to see a dirty dish, or that my hands are starting to peel off the bone because of the religious washing process. Sometimes I like to count the number of steps I take to get to my car in the morning, and sometimes I like to count the cornflakes in my cereal bowl.
Wiki-innit-pedia says: Obsessions 1. Recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses or images that are experienced as intrusive and that cause marked anxiety or distress. 2. The thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems. 3. The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action. 4. The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind, and are not based in reality. Compulsions 1. Repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly. 2. The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not actually connected to the issue, or they are excessive.
In addition to these criteria, at some point during the course of the disorder, the individual must realize that his/her obsessions or compulsions are unreasonable or excessive. OK stop right fuggin there. So if I don’t make my bed, or anyone elses, when compelled to, or wash up after myself, or for the US army, I am normal, but if I decide to iron my bed linnen while its still on the bed, or wash my hands twice each time after touching a foreign object, I have OCD. ….OK so maybe I have OCD. Where do I go for my meds.

Sex, latex and a chicken

2009-06-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

So the curious case of the latex filled, sado-masochist liaison between one of France's most influential bankers and his lover, who is accused of killing him, has sparked interest again in Switzerland.
Sordid details of the couple's relationship are set to unfurl during the trial, which began yesterday four years after banker Edouard Stern was found dead clad in a latex bodysuit, with two bullets in the head and two others in the body.
One thing we can deduce from the case is that latex is not bullet proof.
It follows the recent mysterious death of David Carradine, and also reminds me off the that Spanish guy they found at the bottom of a cliff face with his pants down and a dead chicken attached to his you know what.
The case centres on whether Stern drove the woman to kill him by harassing her or whether she was after his money.
“Are you after my money? Tell me damn it or I will force you to watch me parade around in this shiny little black number I found in my cupboard.”
“I will ask you again? Are you after my money?” speak now, or I will forever hold my piece in one hand and a whip in the other!”
Lawyers argue that the accused committed a ‘crime of passion’ – what exactly does that mean?
Since the discovery of Stern's body in his luxury penthouse apartment in the centre of Geneva, speculation has been rife over the hidden life of the person who was once France's 38th richest man.
A lawyer accused the lover, Brossard of "stirring up the fantasies of a 50-year-old man," who became dependant on a "sexually deviant little blonde from the suburbs."
Brossard's attorneys, on the other hand, have described the banker as an unscrupulous manipulator and sexual predator.
He said that Brossard was the toy of Stern who repeatedly humiliated and harassed her, subjecting her to "a moral degradation, to physical degradation."
According to Alec Reymond, another of her lawyers, "very seriously deviant images that Edouard Stern had downloaded on his computer" led to the conclusion that he is "not the poor victim who was manipulated by an uncontrollable sexual deviant."

What a perv…and just how many of his ilk are out there? It is uncanny that so many wealthy people are caught with their pants down in the bedroom, so to speak.
Is it a class thing? Is it a case of when someone earns X amount of money, they are entitled to come out of the closet wearing latex and rubber. $100million earned last year, splendid, lets put a gerbil up my arse and nipple clamps on. $200million, oh yes, I was really looking forward to getting tied up and hot wax poured over my penis by a dwarf and transvestites.
I blame the internet and the ANC, fuck it!

A quick update on my work colleague - He was telling us today that he could have avoided the Air France crash over the Atlantic, if he had been the pilot.

A vivid imagination

2009-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

So I have a colleague at work who has lived at least seventeen lifetimes, well those that I know of.
Yup our regular Freud is a trained psychologist, a doctor, which is how he answers, the phone – yes that’s right, humble man that he is.
A doctor of what you ask? Well where do I begin, a doctor of so many things, and he is never short on providing an on the spot diagnosis, even for the lady at the other end of the office who has a tickle in her throat.
Our regular superman is a trained RAF pilot, having survived several crashes – for good measure (quick note to self, don’t catch a ride with him).
Our Schalk Burger has played provincial rugby at lock, even though he is only 5.9 inches tall – how the game must have changed.
Our Thorpedo has swum for Gauteng, and has also played countless other sports at a representative level, badminton, tennis etc etc etc!
Buck Rogers has even had aspirations of being an astronaut, but had some physical (not mental) dysfunction preventing him from being our own Neil Buzz Light-year Aldridge Armstrong.
His grandfather is a previous King of France, he knows all the politicians, former and current on a first name basis, he has worked as a journalist for all world wide media, has our own Kerry Packer, has owned this, done that and bla bla bla…get me a sick bucket I feel nauseous.
His latest story was arriving at a station while working as a journalist in London during the IRA bombing campaigns. As he got out at Paddington a bomb went off, but he was saved when regular Bobby dived on him “incredible people those Bobbies,” to quote our own Michael Collins.
He has been a singer, in a band, while also professing to play 13 different instruments, including the sitar – which comes from India you know! Aargh bloody yes, I know!
I have learnt some valuable lessons from my esteemed colleague. Actually no, I haven’t, because I learnt not to tell lies when I was five.
Ok, I will give him this, he is entertaining and does tell a good story, and oh my if it all ends up to be true, think egg on face in ostrich size proportions….nah no effing way.

Lets hope he isnt picked to play against the British and Irish Lions next Saturday.

When good sports go bad

2009-06-04T04:07:00.000-07:00

A 19-year-old umpire was allegedly mobbed by fielders and hit with the stumps after giving a batsman not out, newspapers reported.
Matthew Lowson was allegedly attacked during a game between Sheffield
Alliance Cricket Club and Bradford Shimla in the Quaid E Azam Sunday Cricket
League in Yorkshire, northern England.
Shimla players appealed for a catch, which Lowson gave not out, sparking the controversy, newspapers said.
"Players from the opposition team had to intervene and use themselves as human shields to protect the innocent young umpire from been severely injured," the Yorkshire Post regional newspaper quoted a spectator as saying.
"I could see the players surrounding the umpire, repeatedly hitting him with fists, kicks and stumps. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The opposition team ran towards their vehicle and fled."
HA HA run away run away, it must have been some beating they were dishing out, for that reaction from FANS, some of whom were stumped by what they saw, no doubt.

Shimla team organiser Waleed Ditta -- who said the only contact between one of his players and the umpire was an accidental collision with a bowler --claimed they had 17 decisions go against them. Accidental?
OK so this is quite a contrasting account of events, although I can almost feel the animosity from Waleed when he claimed that 17 decisions had gone against his team.

"We said to the umpire 'this is embarrassing' and he said 'I have done a course in umpiring'," he told the Sheffield Star newspaper.
"One of their batsmen was clean bowled... and the umpire said: 'I can't give that out because I didn't see it'. It was a joke. We said 'look, we have had enough, we are walking off'."
Not before taking out the stump and beating the ump to the ground, you didn’t Waleed.

Legendary umpire: Dicky Bird said: "Cricket is a civilised sport played by gentlemen. What is the game coming to?" Indeed Dicky.

I can think of a few other sports where umpires, judges, linesman etc might think twice before taking a beating with various props… Javelin throwing?
There is nothing like a discus in the face to ruin your smile. Fencing?

Tuna sandwich? Forgedabowdid

2009-06-03T03:45:00.000-07:00

What came first the cheesy Private Investigator novel or the Private Investigator?

Why are PI’s always portrayed in black and white, with cheap suits, cheap aftershave, viewed through a thick fog of cigarette smoke, carrying a Queens/Bronx accent, with blonde broad in tow with long-fish net stocking clad legs?

Even when I read a detective novel, I picture it in black and white….strange!
And in the UK, its all elementary, and tweed suits – and don’t forget the side-kick twat-son.
Are these chaps the most stereotypical caricatures in the history of literature?

Bernard Schlink’s The Reader has recently been brought into the spotlight as a result of its adaption to film, starring Kate Winslet. The book deals with the difficulties which subsequent generations have in comprehending the Holocaust, specifically, whether a sense of its origins and magnitude can be adequately conveyed solely through written and oral media.
Those who are not to familiar with Schlink’s previous works might not know that The Reader was a break away from his usual Detective Novels, perhaps recounting his days as a court judge and some of the intriguing cases that may have been brought up before him in court. I have only read one, but that was enough for me. I have to say I am not a huge fan… Self’s Punishment.
Picture the above mentioned stereoptype, but in a Germanic kind of way…. Difficult you might think, but not really…it seems to fit in a really odd kind of way.
I haven’t read too many of these types of novels - I am more a factual novel, or the other extreme, fantasy novel kind of guy.
But getting back to my question of PI’s and stereotypes…I came across this story recently and went into black and white almost immediately, with patches of colour – polka dots actually!

Ex-New York cop has 100,000 dlr bone to pick
A former New York police officer wants 100,000 dollars compensation for trauma he claims to have suffered since biting into a tuna sandwich and encountering a bone, a report says Tuesday.
The ex member of "New York's finest," now a private investigator, has filed the lawsuit saying he choked for more than a minute on the bone and has never been the same since, the Daily News reported.
The suit says Robert McKenna, 57, suffered "permanent and emotional pain and suffering" during the incident more than two years ago and was "in imminent fear of losing his life."
"I can't even be near tuna now," he was quoted as saying.
"Like a fish fillet sandwich? Forget it."

It makes you Sclink...oh no that was terrible!

Happy Alive Day

2009-06-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

I am at an age where birthday celebrations only have real meaning every 10 years or so. I don’t get all that excited by turning a year older.
In fact, I still get stuck on a certain milestone, which only gets updated every five or so years. So today, I am 28, and have been for at least er three years.

Enough about me though, Brit Mathew Maguire must be over the moon about having a birthday today.
A militant group in southern Nigeria said that it plans to release British hostage, Maguire who it has been holding for the past nine months.
"Today, June 1 is Mathew Maguire's birthday. He has spent close to nine months in captivity and we hope to release him today as his gift," the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND) said in an email to the media.
Maguire, an oil worker, has been held captive in the Niger Delta since September.
He was abducted along with another Briton, Robin Barry Hughes, who was released in April on health grounds.
Perhaps a note to any other hostage victims out there, if asked by your friendly militant group to fill out a form outlining your personal details, under the question birthday? Today would be a good answer.
So happy birthday old boy, and may you have many more…
Matt shares his birthday with a few other people today, including Marilyn Monroe, Alanis Morissette, Heidi Klum (with whom I would happily share my birthday), and Morgan Freeman (less so) but I think bookies have stopped taking bets on who will enjoy the day the most...

Hail Haruki son

2009-05-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

So today I am excited, yes because its Friday, but mostly because one of my current favourite uuthors has penned a new novel.

The first novel in five years by Japan's best known modern writer HarukiMurakami became a bestseller before it hit stores Friday and despite the factthe author has kept its plot a mystery.
When Murakami's "1Q84," which can be read as "1984" in Japanese, finallywent on sale, his legions of fanatical fans had already reserved tens ofthousands of copies of the two-volume novel, booksellers said.

Murakami, 60, a former Tokyo jazz bar owner who is often mentioned as aNobel literature prize contender, has struck a global chord with his sensitivetales on the absurdity and loneliness of modern life.
His novels, which have drawn an international cult following and beentranslated into three dozen languages, include the titles "Norwegian Wood,""Kafka on the Shore" and "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle."
Murakami, who rarely gives media interviews, has kept a tight veil over thenew novel and its plot, while his Japanese publisher has made littleeffort to promote the title.
"As far as I know, this is the first time that we have released a new novelwithout any pre-release marketing," said Akiko Saito, chief editor of theliterature section of Shinchosha Publishing Co.
"We are seeing a market impact much bigger than expected."
The publisher had quickly increased its first print run amid the surgingadvance orders and was now planning to print an initial 300,000 copies ofpart one and 280,000 copies of part two, she said.
Saito said the secrecy surrounding its release was meant to please fans.
"After we published 'Kafka,' many readers told us they wished they had readthe novel without any prior knowledge of what it was about," she said.
Kanae Miyazu, a Tokyo photographer and long-time Murakami fan, said sheimmediately bought both volumes on Friday.
"Even without knowing anything about the book, I decided to buy and read itanyway because I trust Mr. Murakami," she said. "Any book of his would befun."
The publishers said they did not know when the novel would be published inEnglish and other languages.

YAY!

Plonk and cheap hookers

2009-05-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

Men who drink up to half a glass of wine a day may live five years longer than non-drinkers, said Colin Collard, chairman of direct wine marketer, Wine-of-the-Month Club.
Now here is a man who sings to the right tune, a man I would share my braai tongs with, hand him a spare key to my house, hell even share my lady companion with, whoa ok, maybe I am getting carried away.
Yes yes, it would be logical for a wine marketer to say drink more wine, but here is the genius of the man…
Collard, was referring to research published by the Journal of Epidemiology and
Community Health, which found that men who consumed light quantities of any type of alcohol daily gained two and a half years of life expectancy, with a lower risk of dying from coronary heart disease and other ailments associated with poor circulation.

"There is a lot of research pointing to the fact that a glass or two of wine a day is good for a person's health, and this research just adds to this standpoint," said Collard.
You tell them Colin, Col me old chum.
The man has scientific research to back up his claims. So using his method of calculation, the more I drink the younger I will get? No that’s not right, I just won’t age anymore? Well I made a good start watching the champions league final last night, so here is to everlasting life!
Does this study apply to woman? I wondered. Sexist man that Colin is, he makes no mention of whether his elixir to eternal life applies to the female species?
Oh well nevermind, pass the tongs my good man. Chin Chin and all that.

The study, conducted at the University of Wageningen in the Netherlands, studied the lifestyle and alcohol consumption of 1 373 men born between 1900 and 1920 whose health had been examined regularly between 1960 and 2000.
During this period, according to the research, 1 130 of the men died, more than half from heart disease - and the researchers compared the men's deaths to drinking habits.
"Interestingly," reported Collard, "men who drank only wine - up to about a half a bottle a day - lived around two and a half years longer than those who drank beer or spirits. Compared to teetotalers, they lived five years longer.
It's just nice to know that enjoying a glass or two of your favourite tipple can actually have a benefit," Collard said…
Ha ha that is absolutely priceless, I love you Colin, but why are you wearing my slippers?

Headline on Bloomberg television today: “The price of prostitution falls in Latvia today.” I am not kidding. Who would have thought, it’s not a cheap hooker, but a cheaper hooker?

In the News

2009-05-27T04:03:00.000-07:00

A few headlines I saw today:

One-game ban for hair-pulling Ronaldo
Double World Cup winner Ronaldo has been hit with a one-match ban for pulling the hair of an opponent at the weekend. The 32-year-old Brazilian striker tugged the locks of Botafogo midfielder Fahel, who had been pulling at his shirt.

(Serves him right for having long hair in the first place. He can count himself lucky he wasn’t playing rugby)

Exodus Tyson, the four-year-old daughter of former heavyweight boxer iron Mike Tyson has died after accidentally strangling herself.
(Exodus? Oh the iron-y)

Rare white tiger kills New Zealand zoo keeper
A zookeeper was fatally mauled Wednesday by a rare white tiger at a New
Zealand wildlife park. The male keeper was killed by a royal white tiger while cleaning an enclosure at Zion Wildlife Gardens near the city of Whangarei in New Zealand's north.
Police did not name the keeper but he was reported to be South African Dalu
Mncube, who rescued a colleague from another attack earlier this year.

More irony - mauled to death by a rare animal, having earlier saved someone else from the feit that awaited you? Double irony for Dalu.

Facebook fugitive caught after 105 days
The long arm of the law Wednesday finally caught up with a New Zealand fugitive whose 105 days on the run inspired a Facebook fansite, a song and a line of tee shirts.
William Stewart was caught in a rural part of the Canterbury region, on the
South Island, after a farmer found the 47-year-old trying to steal one of his vehicles in the early hours of the morning.
Police quickly swooped on the area and captured Stewart, who was sporting long hair and a bushy beard after more than three months as an outlaw.

I would have gone with outlaw in the headline; one doesn’t get to use that term too often these days. But that’s just me.

Handbags, Gladrags and breasts

2009-05-26T05:11:00.000-07:00

What on earth do woman put into their handbags? That is the question that has been jabbing me in the ribs all day today.
OK that makes me sound a little overcooked, but I ask because I have seen some particularly interesting stuff taken out lately. I attended a breakfast briefing this morning and noticed that the young lady sitting in front of me pulled out a note pad and red pen, while the key note speaker provided ammunition for a serious sleep session.
“Ah” I thought, “the man on the podium must have some pearls of wisdom to merit her note taking after all.”
However, dismay as the young lady began to flip through her pad revealing nothing more than a host of really childish sketches. I am not talking Pablo Picasso style drawings? Think drawings by four-year-old kids on the fridge. This young lady will not be cutting her ear off any time soon. The drawings in a word were terrible.
It reminded me of a time when I was still studying at university. A friend and I attended an English lecture one afternoon. As I sat and listened to the lecturer drone on, I noticed that something had caught Greg’s attention to his left, with me sitting on his right. Suddenly he started to rummage through a handbag that had been placed on the chair to his left. Lipstick? check, eyeliner? check, fake boobs? What? Greg suddenly brought out a set of fake breasts – similar to those Roman Armour Breast Plate things one gets from a costume shop, but female style breasts.
Greg had a very inquisitive look on his face as he nudged me in the ribs to share his discovery, holding them up high for everyone to see. I nudged him back and told him to put it back, but Greg didn’t seem to understand that going through a woman’s bag is a no no in any language.

Before he could mutter another word, a the girl ripped the fake breasts away from Greg, gave him all kinds of dirty looks and placed the rubber mould back into her bag.
By this time, Greg’s discovery had created quite a stir from our immediate classmates and the whole incident erupted in to raucous laughter, much to the poor girls embarrassment.Anyway that’s all I have to say about that, but perhaps any female readers might like to enlighten me further on my question at the top of the page. What do women put into their bags?

Frikkie waar die donner is my car?

2009-05-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

So I had a fantastic weekend, for many reasons. Well there was one obvious one.
A fraction of my weekend, however, was spent on planet What the Fu*k. I say a fraction because that’s particular planet was pretty surreal and my mouth would have had me in a world of sh$t had I actually said the words…What the Fu&k?

On this particular planet, there aren’t too many places where one can go out and have a few drinks. In fact as far as I could determine, and believe me I tried, there is only one such place.
All the people who live on this planet are obese, and they wear the same uniform (Jean pant and a Blue Bull rugby jersey, yes the women too). These people also drink as though the planet was just about to spin off its axis – not too dissimilar to their dance routine actually.
Case in point: We arrived at the modest venue, to find an elderly man walking aimlessly around the car park muttering all kinds of profanities under his breath.

I was pretty sure I knew what the matter was - He was having a “Dude where’s my car moment!” Despite that I thought I would do the neighbourly thing and enquire after his well-being.
“What is the matter?” I offered. “You will never believe this,” he said stammering, “I have lost my car. In all my years this has never happened to me before and I am rather embarrassed,” he said in a very convincing fashion.
“No need to apologise,” I said, shacking my head sympathetically.

This man was clearly in no state to drive considering he could not even find his car in the first place. I therefore offered to take him home, adding that he should rather think about looking for his car in the morning with a porridge head, rather than the Klippies head he clearly had at that moment.
The elderly man thanked me for my concern and offerings, but politely refused (He actually had impeccable manners for a man in his state, even complimenting my lady friend.)
To cut this particular story short, we helped the man find his single cab Toyota bakkie and went to the entrance of what was now beginning to look like a rather ropey looking establishment.
Before we could enter however, we were made to pay an entrance fee of R10, which also entitled us to a free shot of Apple Sours. Brilliant, I thought, this place got off to a rough start, but things were beginning to look up.

That thought quickly imploded as we turned the corner and saw the venue in all its glory. Couples, who could barely lock their arms together, were entwined and moving to an Enrique Iglesias song resembling a tea-cup fairground ride simulator.
We managed to dodge our way through to the bar and ordered our drinks and free shooters, even though every bone in my body was screaming: “Make a run for your spaceship, you are not going to survive this planet.”

We then moved to the outside area and found a table to take-in a few minutes of every-eve life on Planet what the Fu%k?
It wasn’t long before my eyes happened upon a very curious incident. I watched in horror as a man dressed in jeans and a khaki shirt flung himself into the swimming pool that was to the side of where we were sitting.
He then got out of the pool and starting cursing as he made his way towards us. This time it was my lady friend who did the neighbourly thing, as the soaked gentleman approached us.
“What is the matter,” she said in a very concerned voice.”
“Oh nothing,” he said explaining only that he was going to kill his ‘buddies’ for throwing him into the pool.
Er ok, I thought feeling rather sorry for this poor guy, who clearly had no friends and was perhaps looking for a way to strike up a conversation ha ha.
But my pity soon turned to confusion when he began to dig out his wallet; car keys and mobile phone from his jean pant pockets.It was at that stage that I asked my lady friend in a frantic voice whether we had remembered to turn off the stove at home, grabbing her arm and making a dash for it at the same time.

Joke of the day:

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, “Ohhh God... they got my girlfriend too!!!”

Duck - the bouncer

2009-05-22T03:40:00.000-07:00

Today is a very good day for confession.

So Shoaib Akhtar walks into a Catholic church looking for a place to confess his sins. Looking rather lost, he scratches his head, and his nether regions, at the same time. Seeing the door open, Shoaib steps into the chamber and takes a seat.

“Bless me father for I have sinned, its been many years since my last confession…”

“Wait, stop right there,” the Priest interjects. “Shoaib is that you? Get out of my Church immediately. I don’t want my little choirboys getting what you have. And you have no business here being a Muslim. When the Bible says God welcomes all who are undeserving to come into his banqueting hall, well it wasn’t talking to you, so f&ck off out my church.”

For anyone who doesn’t know who Shoaib Akhtar is, he is a Pakistani cricketer and one time fastest bowler in the world extraordinaire, who has recently been caught with his pants down. He has been withdrawn from Pakistan's squad for the World Twenty20 because of a genital infection.

The fast bowler was due to join the 15-man squad for a six-day training camp last week, but was advised to rest.

"We have pulled him out of the World Twenty20 on the basis of a medical report," said a spokesman for the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). Ha ha, they could have stopped there, but no…they had to say more…

The PCB statement continued: "The medical board has reported that Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from genital viral warts and the wound needs further care and treatment for another 10 days." Wow! Time for the "Rawalpindi Express" to think about becoming the first Pakistani to get a face transplant, but first things first, antibiotics are needed.

"What you doing Shoaib? looks like you are scratching your balls again?"
"No I am shining the ball, to make it swing..."

And in the UK, the PM expenses row has begun to see some really strange, and very honest revelations. A British opposition lawmaker is to quit after claiming £1 600 for a "duck island".

Conservative MP Sir Peter Viggers bought the wooden structure for the pond at his home in Hampshire, southern England. He has been made to resign with immediate effect, so that he can spend more time waiting for his bread to get stale to feed his ducks. It follows earlier allegations of ‘moat cleaning’…

The Daily Telegraph reported that Mr Hogg had been paid more than £20,000 a year between 2004 and 2008 in second home allowances. Among the costs itemised were £2,115 for having a moat cleared, £646.25 for "general repairs, stable etc" and £40 for piano tuning, the paper said.

But in a statement, Mr Hogg said: "It is clear that the system is flawed and that we as parliamentarians have a responsibility for this; we got it wrong and we need to apologise for that, I do apologise for it." Whether he used govt money to clean his moat or not, the man owns a moat… and piano tuning? What planet do these people live on? Mr Hogg simply cannot be in touch with the working class citizen in the UK.

So in the spirit of confession, I admit today that I like snow globe shakers and going into pet shops and tapping on the glass of the fish tanks, waiting for the fish to react…

Joke of the day:
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on afifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Inflatable demands

2009-05-21T03:56:00.000-07:00

Ok so Jacob Zuma and his new government have sat back and watched the spat between opposition leader Helen Zilly and The ANC Youth League with very little comment. In fact Zoom Zoom has been pretty quiet all-round. Perhaps he is nursing a hangover following a R2.5 million ‘Mother of all parties” upon his election to the presidency.

In the meantime life in South Africa goes on, pot-hole ridden roads means cars continue to get bigger and more expensive so as not to be swallowed up, taxies run amok, bus drivers in Gauteng enter a fourth week of wage protest, meaning no public transport in the city, coal and other mineral workers strike, Eskom pushes for a 34% increase in electricity tariffs, the Gauteng mayor extends his budget to squeeze home owners further, and jobs continue to fall through the very big cracks in the floor, etc etc etc.

I think the problem with having the same party elected to govern for a fourth consecutive term is that it breeds complacency and corruption and general ineptness. Yes yes tut tut this is all old news and talk of the ANC just puts me in a bad mood.

The thing is I can’t help it; I have a stake in the future of my beautiful country. I have a voice, so why not use it. I have been most annoyed that we have not heard a single word from government regarding new policies, while Obama runs wild sprinkling magic dust everywhere he goes, and with funds that come out of his royal arse…where exactly is the US government getting all this ‘cash’ to blow on bank bail-outs and the like when the national debt of the star spangled banner would buy a new S500 Mercedes Benz (R1.1M) for every ANC member and his/her kids. That represents a figure of a trillion million gazzilion (is that a word?) dollars, roughly. I think I read that they even owe Guinea money.
I believe Mugabe in Zimbabwe had a lovely little phrase for the amount of money he printed as he watched his economy slip through his disease stained hands – Quantitative easing – see how it just rolls off the tongue?

It seems crazy that Zoom Zoom has been happy to bask in his newfound Messiah like status, but has not really looked to show us his ‘good’ intentions and deliver on his pre-election promises – nada.

And while the president keeps schtum with his crooked government waiting on his next command, or are they too busy with their private dealings? I am going to steel a march and propose a raft of new acts to liberate this country, much like Obama is doing across the ocean sea so blue.

First on my list, I would like to propose a three-day weekend. I am yet to meet someone who would appose such a lobby? Pay would remain the same, except that Monday would become the new Sunday. I hate Mondays, which would probably mean that I would learn to hate Tuesday’s if that proposal were to become law.
Right so now that I have at least three quarters of the population behind me, barring those blood sucking capitalists and entrepreneurs who drive their employees into the ground in order to become richer capitalists, what else would I propose…

Well definitely a one-man one-woman marriage rule, only one spouse at a time please…sorry Zoom Zoom that means you are out of here.

One needs a campaign slogan if you are to get anywhere in life is my motto - ‘A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage’ – said former US president Herbert Hoover, in his campaign slogan in 1928.
So in the spirit of my demands, how about: ‘A blow up doll in every bed and, lie in every Monday’?

Watch this space for further demands…and if none of these demands are met, I am going to propose wildcat strikes! Now there is a phrase that packs a punch.

With that my joke of the day:

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

My potty mouth

2009-05-20T04:53:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me recently, after my first day at a new company, if I had learnt the names of at least five people and if I knew where the toilets were?
Well it is was a no to the first part, but yes, much to my disdain, to the second part.
You see, having your desk in a position that is convenient for your web surfing habits is pretty much first prize when you start work in a new environment. Unfortunately, I didn’t even get onto the podium when it came to desk positioning - safe to say, I am the equivalent of the Force India team in Formula One - last on the grid, and lucky to finish the race.
I am the only person in the entire open plan office who has his screen facing the door, to which I have my back. On the plus side, it means that I can work harder for my boss ha ha, f&ck off, but on the downside, well that needs no further explanation.
Yes, super happy, friendly, smiley colleagues are important, and I am fortunate those people who work around me are really nice however, more importantly for me, second prize if you like, is a nice ablution.
There is nothing worse than messy toilets, with untrained toilet users at your place of work, think Trainspotting and the infamous ‘Worst toilet in Scotland’ if you aren’t on the same page yet. Annoying people you can just ignore, but a shitty toilet, well you have to wipe it up, or wait till home time.
The toilet seats in my place of work are wonky and don’t fit on the bowl nicely, which means that the bowl is often, well smeared with last nights Korma, from that obese middle aged person who you never see in the office, but always hear on the toilet. The person whose only exercise comes when he suddenly needs to run to the toilet to shake off last nights TV dinner, the person who has their top button undone and their tie half way down their shirt because their neck is too fat, the person who sweats even in winter because their diet consists of three different types of take-away every day, the person who comes back late from lunch because they just couldn’t finish eating in time, the person who makes indescribable sounds with their arse and then breathes a heavy sigh of relief when the job is done, that person, and that’s just the ladies bathroom haha.
Anyway hats off to the cleaning lady, because thanks to her mid morning routine, the bathrooms are generally spotless by the time I have a need to enter, long after big Al has made his rounds.
On the flip side, I really like it when public establishments take pride in decking out their water closets. – Notice how that sounds so much more sanitary already. I have seen some amazing WC’s in my time and perhaps none better than The Mayfair bar and a few others in that area in London.On a local front, a club in Fourways that I recently visited had a really funky set up. Walking into the gents, one immediately noticed that when standing over the urinals you get to look into a fantastic fish tank, filled with beautiful fish and those things that are generally found in the ocean, and on the other side, is the ladies bathroom. Sorry for those guys who get stage fright then, and also those vein guys who spend hours in front of the mirror doing their hair – the ladies are privy to all of that unnatural behaviour, and visa versa. Its all very amusing to see how people behave out side of their comfort zones, especially after a few tequilas - so well done to the owner.

Joke of the Day: I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hidingbehind a gravestone. I said "morning."He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Sporting moods

2009-05-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

I had had one of those ‘Monday blues’ days yesterday, which is a rarity for me.
Why Gareth? Shame, poor chap – I can hear you all say, or is it just one person with a Canyon like echo I can hear? Thanks Zoe, er Zoe are you listening?
Was I slipped a Rohypnol (roofie), at my local on the weekend and taken to the Blue Oyster Bar by several YMCA song loving, Stetson wearing homosexuals? Well I hope not - I can’t really remember!

Actually, it’s far more dramatic than that. My beloved Sharks rugby franchise lost a close encounter to the Blue Bulls team from up north. The loss meant that after a great start to the Super 14 competition, the Sharks failed to qualify for the play-offs. Hats off to the Bulls though for topping the table, meaning a home-semi and possibly a home final.

Doubling up my misery was the fact that Liverpool couldn’t prevent United from a record equalling 18th championship title. I couldn’t even bare to watch the trophy presentation at Old Trafford, sorry Man U – poor sportsmanship I know, but that’s the way it is with sport sometimes, it can just be too much to take – See Chelsea’s Drogba’s reactions after his side went out to a last minute goal from Barcelona in the semi final of the champions league recently, for a clue.

I also watched with interest Rodger Federer’s reaction after he beat Rafael Nadal on Clay in Nadal’s home country on the weekend.
Nadal has made a habit of beating Federer in recent times, to the point where it left the Swiss great in tears when he was beaten in the Australian Open at the beginning of the year. I mean Federer cried like a baby, blubbing away while Nadal had to apologise for beating ‘a great champion’ - How rude is that. The best player in the world having to apologise to the former best in the world for beating him, so as not to hurt his feelings, and generally to get him to stop crying.

Anyway Rodger, being the ‘great champion' that he is, took his latest victory in his stride, showing the strut he had given the world for so many years, with his chest all puffed out, yet very little facial give-away, well except for a self pontificating smirk – Good on you Rog, I was so glad to see you win, as I could not have taken more tears from you.

So I look forward to the rest of the week, hopefully with very little sporting action. That is until the weekend again, where I will look forward to Grand Prix racing at its best in Monaco. What a great season it has been so far for a sport which has its fair share of high profile petulance between drivers.

Not even half way into the season and we have already seen reigning champ Lewis Hamilton lose all credibility after being found a cheat, along with his Mclaren team.

Meanwhile things are hotting up at the new kids on the block, British team Brawn Racing where there is a wrangle between the two drivers Jenson Button (British) and Brazilian Rubens Barrichello. The source of Barrichello's displeasure revolved around the team's race strategy. Both Brawn drivers initially started off with the intention of stopping three times, but after a dramatic opening corner, in which Barrichello leapt from third to first, Button was switched to a two-stop strategy and ended up cruising home by 13 seconds.
If I get the slightest sniff that they are favouring Jenson I'll hang up my helmet tomorrow," said the clearly frustrated Brazilian.

And while I might be displeased by my Sharks team performance last weekend, I will indeed be watching and supporting the Bulls…well not too closely, as I have a naughty weekend away planned….good timing then really –what is the saying – ‘you win some you lose some’.

Its not just zilly but serious too

2009-05-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

I watched in absolute hysterics the other day how the ANC Youth League and Helen Zille went at each other like to er, straw-weight boxers (we all know who the heavyweights are in this country – in this corner weighing in at 250 pounds Jacob ANC – Boom Boom Zuma).
Well it was funny until the Youth League went a little far…some of their comments were just absurd….
The ANC Youth League accused her of sleeping with members of her all-male cabinet.
In a statement issued on Tuesday the league said: "Zille has appointed an all-male cabinet of useless people, majority of whom are her boyfriends and concubines so that she can continue to sleep around with them, yet she claims to have the moral authority to question our president."
The statement was responding to a personal attack made against Jacob
Zuma by Zille when she was challenged over appointing an all-male and mostly white cabinet in the Western Cape. The league said it was "disgusted by remarks attributed to the racist girl Helen Zille, who when failing to defend her stupid and sexist decision to appoint predominantly white males into her cabinet, attacks the president of the Republic of South Africa".
She was quoted as saying: "Zuma is a self-confessed womaniser with deeply sexist views, who put all his wives at risk by having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman."
The league went on to say: "The fake racist girl who was dropped on a head as child should understand that South Africa will never be a Mickey- Mouse republic like she wants to portray it."
The last comment hits the nail on the head….

Can you imagine, Gordon ‘Broon’ calling David Cameron a homo, or the opposition party Obama calling him a cotton picker…does Obama even have opposition or have they all just given up to the new messiah?

The very childish remarks do nothing to foster a government that should be taken seriously, both nationally, and internationally. The outside world must just shake their heads when reading this balderdash, whiel the media has gone to town over the past week, treating this matter like a joke. The truth is, it isn’t a joke, the comments were slanderous, and the world will continue to see us as mediocre, with lots of potential to extort, not to mention what the everyday citizen must think. Its up to the new government to set an example for all to follow….

Of course the grown up ANC, not the little ones, moved to distance itself from the carnage and general mudslinging – Uh uh - aikona zoom zoom. Unfortunately, your baby youth league is part of the ANC establishment, the movement, they need no prompting regards how militant they are and how they were part of the struggle. So as unfortunate as it is, you cannot distance yourself from a group that is intrinsically a part of you, its like cutting off your arm when it pinches something at the shops.
Joke of the day….see above…enough said.

Mad- donner and the missing children

2009-04-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

I watched Ben Affleck’s directorial debut the other evening. His film called Gone Baby Gone features a great cast including Ben’s brother Casey (his Boston accent is very cool, makes me want to be an American, oh and so does Obama (brackets within brackets – Obama for ANC president?) oh and Liv Tyler) Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman.

The film basically tells the story of a child kidnapping in a working class neighbourhood of Dorchester, Boston.

It got me thinking about all the kidnapping of little children…

I thought to myself, if I was a policeman covering the case of a missing child I would start by knocking on Madonna’s door, hold up a picture to her face and say: Sorry to bother you er Madge, but have you seen this child?

Why does the world go bonkers when Like a Prayer wants to adopt a child? Are we all secretly worried about that child’s welfare? The gyrating, child molesting (see ex boyfriends, I mean Jesus), Karbala worshipping granny. I can just see Papa don’t preach skipping and dancing and hip flexing her way down a beaten little village path in Malawi, in a little leather leotard and fish net stockings, a flute in her vein ridden fingers with all the village children in tow.

Next on my list of suspects would be the Somali pirates, and third, the sock monster

I wanted to vomit when I read that the loco residents of the Portuguese resort where Madeline McCann was kidnapped verbally abused the parents of the missing British girl.
Gerry McCann was jeered by the resort’s residents, when he arrived there with a television crew to film a documentary about Madeleine’s disappearance. McCann was forced to apologise for the negative effect the case has had on the resort.
“Oh, I am so terribly sorry that the kidnapping of my daughter has ruined the reputation of your little resort.”

Ok I am somewhat perplexed as to why the McCann’s would want to punish themselves by continually revisiting the site of their greatest loss for the sake of a documentary. Yes constant exposure will keep Maddy in the eye of the public, but perhaps it’s time to take a different tac.

Joke of the day:

Madonna arrived in Malawi this week prepared to adopt a 4-year-old girl from the country. Thus kicking off this year's Madonna - Angelina Jolie Fantasy Draft.

The dark and incontinent…er continent

2009-04-03T01:21:00.000-07:00

A declaration of war on the state by taxi drivers, and more alarmingly, threats to undermine the 2010 soccer World Cup, has caught the eye of the international media.

The most recent protest in down town Johannesburg saw aggrieved taxi drivers blocking roads, bringing the City to a standstill with unnerving ease. It was click of the fingers stuff and muscle flexing that would have made Guv'nor Arnie proud.

Taxi operators are opposed to the City's impending public transport system. I am not entirely against their grievances and they have a point or two.

But here is the part I don’t understand…

Drivers vented their anger by looting shops, stoning vehicles, and forcing innocent commuters off buses. A bus driver was also shot in the hand, cars parked in the city were destroyed and general mayhem consumed Egoli for the day.

And while it follows similar demonstrations in Port Elizabeth and Cape Town, on this occasion the words ‘World Cup’ had our international media friends reaching for the yellow card.

The taxi industry claims to serve more than 60% of South Africa's commuters. It has been the backbone of the transport system since the early days of apartheid and deserves respect.
However, its powers have seemingly escalated to a point of invincibility, which in essence, is due to Government’s unwillingness to curb what is an unregulated transport sector. Does that make them a quango?

Government is now faced with a challenge of providing a safe, efficient public transit system, incorporating the taxi sector….Good luck Jacob and your ANC comrades…where does this mess sit on your list of priorities I wonder, rubbing my chin with thumbs and index finger. Does it sit in the same bracket as the state of our roads perhaps? Behind public services? Ahead of the education issue?

Failure to do so could derail the World Cup in 2010. And that isn’t me jumping on my White Range Rover with 60 inch rims, a tinted window, and a kick ass stereo and being all over the top about it. Any organisation that can take control of a city like Johannesburg in a matter of hours demands huge respect and I for one would not take their threats with a pinch of salt.

“If they don’t address this, we will bring the entire country to a halt for a week or two,” Joe Mophuting, a spokesman for the United Taxi Association Forum said to the Times. Eish indeed, fuggin double eish and a bloody hellfire for this quagmire (sorry I like that word) Government finds itself in.

As South Africans we tend to let violence wash over us on a daily basis. Eg: “I was just hijacked and I had a gun pointed at me, but can you hurry this report up please Mr police officer, because I want to get home and watch the cricket…South Africa are beating the Ausies.

Its part of our everyday environment, and if violence hasn’t touched you, a friend or a member of your family, you consider yourself to be having a pretty good day. And why not we live in Africa.

Unfortunately, most of the rest of the world, a few other African countries aside, everyday should be considered violence free day. It’s the way they live, yes how bloody dare they go around with that pontificating attitude.

So on the other side of the World Cup organising fence we have soccer body FIFA, who has indicated that it will adopt a zero tolerance policy to ensure the safe running of the first World Cup to be held on African soil. Chin chin, salute and all that for they are jolly good felllas that Sep and his European cronies.

The world simply doesn’t think like South Africans when it comes to violence. Why only last week India was deprived of its high profile Indian Premier League cricket tournament, following a spate of violent attacks on the sub continent. The tournament ironically will be held in South Africa later this month.

With World Cup kick off 434 days away, Government has it all to play for, and at this late stage of the game, it would do well to prevent any own goals…yes yes I know.

Right that’s me off my soap box…for I dare not tear this country apart, maybe only some of the people that live in it, and the list is getting longer. I wonder if I should start putting them into categories, files like I have on my laptop, maybe I should begin classification by political party.

I don’t want to pause for too long to think about such unhappy things, it would only be like breaking on the N3 in front of a car with blue lights riding up your tail…it would cause no end of kak.

There is flip side to this beautiful country which gives balance to my thoughts. I really don’t like to moan you see.… My sister lives on a ranch, a sanctuary for animals, and a retreat for broken souls. At this magic place, animals that usually feed the higher end of the food chain prosper. It’s a retreat for zebra, eight species of buck, oh and my favourite, a family of four giraffe. There are more than 130 different bird species including Fish Eagles who when testing its vocals down in the valley makes my all warm inside and gives me goose flesh.

My Africa is a bit like a favourite old T- shirt, you know the one, you run in it, wear it round the house, it has holes in funny places, exposing a nipple or your underarm hair. It’s stretched, the collar is torn, but it fits, its so familiar and so comfy and you will be damned if you would ever part with it.

Africa can be dark, but it’s in the light that it really flourishes. Here is to a really successful World Cup then.

While this toy toying goes on, I harbour dreams to be a pirate…to sail the seven seas…well not quite I was thinking more just the Gulf of Aden, and share my loot with my new Somali friends.

Buts that for another day….

An apt joke for the day:

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

BatFink

2009-04-01T02:59:00.001-07:00

So there I was on a stormy night, bright flashes of lightening illuminating my otherwise dark room, tossing and turning in a restless sleep.
Something inside me stirred. I felt as though I was not alone in this dark dwelling, well besides Steffi (named after the lovely Steffi Graf..no less), my old canine companion. Without pause, I got up and reached for the light to confirm my suspicions.
Flying in a pattern as if it had been tied to the central light fitting, was a bat. It was moving in a circles in my very square shaped room. A bloody bat of all Gods creatures, in my room on a dark stormy night? The omens did not look good. My gut churned as scenes of the little vermin sucking the blood from livestock, sharp pointed teeth stained with blood flashed across my eyes. Red eyes, Dracula, hell even Satan made a brief appearance, and why not. This was not a night to be fucked with, to be very sure. How many people in the history of the world had been visited in their room by a bat, a creature of the night? Not many I would wager.

My next and very poignant question was..get the little sucker out? A sinner, I certainly am, but a murderer? never. Without too much thought, hatched a plan to throw a towel over it which would not be too difficult considering its very repetitive flight routine, around and around and around…see?

Just as I had suspected, my cunning bore fruit and the little black winged rat was soon free. Perhaps I am being unkind for it was actually quite harmless and in a devilish kind of way, quite cute. That is not to say that I was not still under the illusion that this uninvited guest had brought with it, a very bad kind of luck, shit luck if you like.

I awoke to a bright new day determined to read up my fate, this new hex that had been brought upon me. I am no shaman, I believe not in the tokoloshe, nor have I ever seen a voodoo ritual in action, besides, of course, in the Witches of Eastwick and in one of those James Bond films. The most I have done is play glassy glassy, which didn't work, oh and I tried Yoga once, but I don't think that fits in the same category.

To my humbling astonishment, following a trip to Google… I realised that the little fella had in fact brought me more than the promise of a visit to tombstone lane, Dracula close and Satan Circle…

Transition, Rebirth:
The bat totem can trigger change or transformation. Its visit can be a warning that change will soon occur and not to be afraid. Sometimes the bat is a symbol for facing ones fears.

A Bat totem appearing in your life is a call for the end of a way of life and the beginning of another. You must face your greatest fears and get rid of the part of your life that no longer is needed.This transition is very frightening for many: “better the devil you know…”But you will not grow spiritually until the old parts are gone.

Face the darkness before you and you will find the light in rebirth.

Like shoo wow and all that. The reading was quite deep. Having read the final sentence over again, I felt, well I felt a little like, well Batman, actually… go figure.

Joke of the day…

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, ” I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?”
“Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

The Messiah

2009-04-01T02:33:00.000-07:00

So apparently one needs to have 'fashionable' in vogue words in order to get ones blogging site up the search rankings quicker than a double six and that really long ladder on number 28 on the Snakes and Ladders board game that takes you to within a fraction of 100 and the winning post.

So what are these popular words in our vernacular today? Suicide bombers, Jacob Zuma, Paris Hilton, Barack Obama, Jenna Jameson, and Michael Phelps?

How quickly words like John McCain, Saddam Hussein (well he is dead) George Bush and David Beckham…ok maybe not the last two, but I wish they would just both go away, become so last year…

And before that? BC, but only just, words like Jesus Christ, and the Messiah, Judas, Jerusalem, crucified, the Three Wise Men, an olive tree, some white turtle doves and perhaps even leather sandals would have been quite popular.

So here's to a quick few climbs up the ranking ladder on my first go and a few bead movings on the old abacus.

Oh, I would also like to start a trend of having a little joke at the end of each post…(er he told himself)…

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Can you Adam and Eve it, my call went through to a freaking’ call centre in Pakistan. I mentioned that I was feeling suicidal and they went all ballistic and asked me if I could fly a plane.
Its all in the delivery, don't you see? drum role please!